Rose: What are you doing?
Sophia: It's Tuesday night. I'm cleaning out my purse.
Rose: Did all that stuff come out of your purse?
Sophia: No, I was also cleaning out my ears. That's where the Feenamint and the rain bonnet came from.
Rose: Sophia, why are you in such a bad mood?
Sophia: Forgive me, Rose, but I haven't had sex in 15 years and it's starting to get on my nerves.

Rose: Nils Felander attempted to harass me repeatedly.
Blanche: What do you mean, he attempted to?
Rose: He worked at Lars Erikson's Drugstore and Tackle Shop. He was a soda jerk. Now that I think about it, he was the town jerk. Every Saturday afternoon, I'd go in and have a sundae. Well, Nils would arrange the ice cream scoops in an obscene way. I could never prove it, because by the time I would take it home to show my father... the evidence had-
Rose, Dorothy & Blanche: [in unison] melted.
Rose: To this day, every time I pass an ice cream parlor or a tackle shop, I blush.

Rose: Here we are, Sophia. The perfect after-dinner treat. A nice dish of Jell-O.
Sophia: I hate Jell-O. If God wanted peaches suspended in midair, he would have filled them with helium.

Rose: My life will be ruined if this ever gets home to St. Olaf.
Dorothy: What'll they do, Rose? Revoke your ice fishing license? Take back your helmet with the horns? I mean, I'm the injured party. Obviously, I am destined to never see Frank Sinatra face to face.
Rose: They're called longenhodden.
Dorothy: What is called longenhodden?
Rose: The helmet with the horns.

Sophia: Let's go, Dorothy, I don't want to miss my appointment at the beauty parlor.
Rose: In a minute, Sophia. Dorothy's been trying to get through to the box office for 20 minutes.
Sophia: I can't be late. The last time I was late, Ronald gave me the broken hair dryer. I came out looking like Don King.

Professor Cooper: Pencils down.
Blanche: Well, where is everybody?
Professor Cooper: Just you and me, Blanche. Well, looks like we're finally at the crossroads.
Blanche: Whatever do you mean?
Professor Cooper: I mean, I know you've been having trouble with this course, and I'd hate to see you have to repeat it.
Blanche: You know, Professor Cooper, I've been thinking about what you said, and I have no intention of repeating this course.
Professor Cooper: Good. I'm glad you decided to take me up on my offer.
Blanche: Oh, I'm declining your offer, but I do want to thank you.
Professor Cooper: For what?
Blanche: Well, thanks to you, I studied all day and all night. And whenever I felt like giving up, I would just think about what kind of man you really are, and I'd study even harder. In fact, you made me so mad, I decided to get an A on this test come hell or high water, and I think I did. I, sir, am a lady. Maybe not the smartest lady in the world, but I do know that my self-respect is more important than passing your damn course. So you, sir, can kiss my A.

Dorothy: Ma, please. All my life I've wanted to see Frank Sinatra in concert. I'm not getting off this phone until I get tickets.
Sophia: What are you talking about? I took you and Gloria to see him at the Paramount Theatre. I'll never forget it. From the second he stepped out on the stage, I don't know, something happened.
Dorothy: You fainted. That's what happened. I spent the rest of the evening in the ladies' room, trying to revive you. Wasn't until a couple of years later that I got another chance to see Sinatra. Stan bought tickets for my birthday. But two weeks before the concert, he asked me for a divorce. I got the house and the kids. He got the tickets. Don't think I didn't put up a fight!

Dorothy: Honey, calm down. You're gonna pass the course. You're gonna have to buckle down and study a little harder.
Rose: At least you're doing well in your other two courses.
Blanche: But those are art courses. They come easier to me. I've always had a great appreciation for the arts and artists.
Sophia: And carpenters and mechanics and delivery boys.

Rose: I just remembered, I know somebody in show business who can help us. My best friend in St. Olaf has a nephew who's a page at NBC in Hollywood. I'll write to her and ask her to write to him.
Blanche: Honey, won't that take an awful long time?
Rose: Oh, I don't mind. I'm a very patient person. I once waited two whole weeks for a sty to go away. Every night, I'd close my eyes and I'd picture it getting smaller and smaller. And one morning, I woke up and it was gone.
Dorothy: Ma, you OK?
Sophia: I'm fine. I'm just trying to make Rose go away.

Dorothy: I know exactly how she feels. I used to be scared of my teachers, too.
Blanche: Get out of here.
Dorothy: No, it's true, it's true. Elementary school was a nightmare. I was afraid to talk in class.
Rose: Why?
Dorothy: Well, I had a slight speech impediment. Well, it's different for kids these days, you know. They have Barbara Walters to look up to. Yeah, but in those days, it really stood out, you know.