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49Quotes from ‘You're Not Invited’

The Goldbergs: You're Not Invited

120. You're Not Invited

Aired April 8, 2014

Adam is looking forward to his first laser tag birthday party, but his plans change when Barry suggests he throw a make-out party in the basement so he can have his first kiss with Dana. On the night of the party, Erica turns into a full-on smother when she uncovers what's happening the basement. Erica tries to get Beverly to crash the party, but for once Beverly is trying to keep out of Adam's business. Meanwhile, Pops and Murray are excited to watch the opening of Al Capone's vault on TV, but Murray's happiness fades when Adam doesn't show any appreciation after Murray finally gives him a great gift for his birthday.

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: But I can give you this. It's present time.
Adam: What the hell is a "Sleeping Angel Book"?
Beverly: I've been taking pictures of you sleeping once a month since you were born, my angel, and I made it into a book. If you flip through it, you can see how much your head has grown.

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Quote from Adam

Pops: There's the man I'm looking for. Happy birthday, kiddo.
Adam: Holy God. A digital Pac-Man watch?
Pops: You like it?
Adam: Uh, it's a video game on my wrist! I love it! Thanks, Pops. You are the greatest man I've ever know. Literally the greatest man.

Quote from Beverly

Adam: Why does it say "Sleeping Angel Part One"?
Beverly: You'll find out when you go to college.

Quote from Barry

Barry: Tonight you got to put on a full-on make-out party.
Adam: A laser tag make-out party? Logistically, how would that even work?
Barry: No laser tag! Just make-out party!
Adam: What am I? Scott Baio? I don't know how to throw a make-out party.
Barry: That's why you call ... beep bop beep beep bop boo ... Barry's make-out parties. How can I help you?
Adam: Can you tell my brother he's a giant putz?

Quote from Murray

Murray: Yeah, I went to the South Street Italian Market in honor of the opening of Al Capone's vault. Truly, it's the most exciting thing to happen to me in twenty years.
Pops: What about your kids?
Murray: They're not gonna be here.

Quote from Erica

Dave Kim: 'sup, Erica. I didn't know you'd be here.
Erica: Okay, get your body away from me, Dave Kim.

Quote from Erica

Erica: Are you kidding me? Spin the bottle, mood lighting, and velour? This isn't you.
Adam: Can we talk about this later? You're kind of giving off a mom vibe.
Erica: I am not mom! I will never be mom! Now, take these bagel bites and blow on them three times or they'll scald your little mouth. And get away from me, Dave Kim.

Quote from Beverly

Adam: We're playing laser tag tonight, people.
Beverly: I know, it's gonna be awesome. But you know what will make it more fun? Protective cornea goggles.

Quote from Adam

Adam: No. No way. Why the hell do I need to protect my corneas?

Quote from Adam

Beverly: Because Sue Nagelman's son lost his eye to a laser beam.
Adam: It wasn't a laser. It was a taser. And you don't talk back to cops.

Quote from Adam

Erica: It's safe, mom. Laser tag's for little kids.
Adam: For your information, there are many adults that enjoy playing laser tag. I admit, they look kind of weird waiting on that single-player bench, with their desperate eyes just staring at you. Whatever! It's fun for everyone.
Erica: But mostly for dorky little kids.

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: Well, I'll never be a fan of lasers, but my scrumptious, little snuggle monster gets whatever he wants on his birthday.
Adam: I want you to stop calling me snuggle monster.
Beverly: Can't give you that.

Quote from Adam

Adam: So, I'll see you at laser tag?
Dana: Yeah. I hope I'm on your team.
Adam: I'll see what I can do, but no guarantees. There's gonna be two captains. Could get complicated.

Quote from Barry

Barry: Pathetic dude.
Adam: Like you could do any better.
Barry: Hell yeah, I could. Big Tasty knows how to tame the booty with the beat.

Quote from Adam

Barry: You gotta kiss her, bro.
Adam: I know. The timing just hasn't been right. I was busy, she was busy. Her family went to Sarasota. I had that cold and that Spanish quiz.

Quote from Barry

Barry: Pheromones, bro. Ladies love it. And we'll light some incense, then we'll deck it out with sexy accessories, like Moroccan pillows, lava lamps, and bongo drums.

Quote from Barry

Barry: And we serve the sexiest foods.
Adam: Go on.
Barry: Oysters. Soft cheeses.
Adam: Go on.
Barry: And onion dip. Nothing crunchy. Know why? Crunchy isn't sexy.
Adam: Wait, how do you eat onion dip if you don't have anything sexy?
Barry: Spoons! Spoons are sexy.
Adam: You obviously know what you're talking about.

Quote from Barry

Barry: And you got to wear something seductive, so go to the mall and buy the first velour clothing you see. That's the sexiest of all fabrics.

Quote from Murray

Murray: Adam's got a thing tonight.
Pops: A thing? It's his birthday party. Tell me at least you remembered it this year.
Murray: Ah, it's not whether or not I remembered. It's whether he thinks I remembered.
Adam: I don't think you remembered.

Quote from Murray

Pops: What was all that about? Did you not give him a gift?
Murray: It's not whether I got him a gift. It's whether he thinks I got him a gift.
Adam: I don't!

Quote from Murray

Murray: Everybody knows I'm not good at birthdays, or getting gifts, or remembering events. It's my thing!

Quote from Murray

Pops: Well, you're missing out. I mean, did you see the look on Adam's face when I gave him that Puckman watch thing? Pure joy!
Murray: That's why we should say the watch is from both of us.

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: What? I'm not cancelling Laser Tag. They wanted a $100 deposit until I yelled at the guy to wave it.

Quote from Barry

Barry: And that last slow-jam was dedicated to all you lovers in the crowd. You know who you are.
Chad: Why is he nodding at us?
Emmy: No idea. Stop nodding at us!

Quote from Barry

Barry: Next up is Twister. I hope you stretched, because it's about to get real bendy in here.

Quote from Adam

Beverly: I guess I could make a Ghostbusters cake.
Adam: Yeah, I'm also thinking no cake.
Beverly: No cake?
Adam: No cake.
Beverly: No cake?
Adam: No cake.
Beverly: If there's no cake, then I can't hug you and sing Happy Birthday.
Adam: Which works out well, because I'm mostly thinking no song, and no you.
Beverly: Then I wouldn't be there.
Adam: Uh-huh.
Beverly: I have to be there.
Adam: Look, starting with this birthday, everything changes. I'm like an adult now.
Beverly: But...
Adam: This is my special day. Please, mama?

Quote from Adam

Adam: Soft cheese?
Dana: Oh, wow. That's really stinky.
Adam: You know it.

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: This is madness. I mean, what boy wants a basement party. There's no pin the tail on the donkey, no balloons, no cake. You know what, screw it. Give me the phonebook. I'm calling a [beep] clown.

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: I know my son. He needs me down there. I can literally feel him call me to bring him this festive platter of bagel bites.

Quote from Erica

Erica: What the hell is happening here? It's like a love-dungeon in a serial killer's house.

Quote from Barry

Barry: It's a make-out party. And I got to say, bagel bites? Not sexy, get them out of here.

Quote from Barry

Adam: Okay, this is all I could find for spin the bottle, but it's completely full.
Barry: Barry to the rescue. I'll take it from here. My body loves calcium. Is this from a cow? Why is it so hard? My body says no, but I'm gonna do this for you guys.

Quote from Murray

Adam: Dad! What the hell? You're not wearing any pants.
Murray: They know how it works around here.

Quote from Adam

Murray: I just went and bought you the thing you wanted most in the world. You could at least give me a thumbs-up, a thank you, a look of appreciation.
Adam: (smiles) Happy?
Murray: That's a fake smile and you know it.
Adam: It's not a fake smile. It's got teeth and everything.

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: No, I can't barge in.
Erica: What do you mean you can't barge in? That's all you do.
Beverly: I finally made some headway with Adam. He asked for a cake. If I play my cards right, I can get some huggies when we sing Happy Birthday!

Quote from Beverly

Erica: Mom, do you remember time that you snuck in the basement and spied on me and Lainey drinking mango-madness wine coolers?
Beverly: Yes, that was a good day.

Quote from Erica

Erica: Our baby grew up so fast, didn't he? It's like one minute he's this little four-eyed dork. Then you blink, and he's a man. A man with needs.
Pops: What's happening?
Erica: I miss that little love-bug. That's what's happening. Oh my God, I am mom.
Pops: You are, and I got to tell you, it's a real downer.

Quote from Pops

Murray: You know, that's why I don't give gifts. It's all a sham.
Erica: I wish we could just stop time, you know? And keep him our special little boy forever.
Pops: All right, that's it. I'm watching TV upstairs. No one follow me.

Quote from Adam

Dana: Are you playing Pac-man?
Adam: No, I'm trying to set the timer. The directions are in Japanese. It's very complicated.

Quote from Beverly

(Adam and Dana find Beverly hiding in the basement during their "Seven minutes in heaven")
Beverly: Hi, poopie.
Dana: Oh my God.
Beverly: Hi, Dana.
Dana: Oh my God.
Beverly: Wow, that is an adorable dress. I was just seeing if the ski boots were all where they're supposed to be. And they are.

Quote from Pops

Adam: Dad! Best gift ever!
Pops: See that smile? That's it. That's the look!

Quote from Murray

Pops: Come on, let's go see that handsome devil open that vault.
Murray: Just tell me what happens.

Quote from Pops

Pops: Poor mustachioed bastard.


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