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36Quotes from ‘You Opened the Door’

The Goldbergs: You Opened the Door

114. You Opened the Door

Aired January 21, 2014

When Adam decides to go to his first school dance with Dana, he asks his mother for help but he soon regrets opening the door. On the big night, Erica tries to keep Beverly away from Adam's dance, but their mother's determination knows no bounds. Meanwhile, Murray finally gives Barry the "birds and the bees" talk, but it doesn't go to plan.

Quote from Erica

Erica: I sent her a letter from camp saying I was homesick. And the next night, she showed up in the top bunk. Look, this is a picture of us in a canoe together! Never again, Adam. Never again!

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Quote from Murray

Barry: Dads are supposed to teach their kids stuff how to throw a fast ball, and change a tire, and shave. You never taught me anything!
Murray: In my defense, I know very little.

Quote from Beverly

Teacher: Mrs. Goldberg, Mrs. Goldberg! It's time to go home.
Beverly: Mmm, dances don't really end, and the invitation for this one said, - "6:00 to question mark", so-
Teacher: That was a 9.

Quote from Adam

Dana: You okay?
Adam: Me? Yeah, (chuckles) been working out a lot. My quads locked up on me. That ever happen to you?
Dana: Umm, no.
Adam: Das coo', das coo'.

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: Adam, hurry up! We're late for your dentist appointment. Do you need to make? Make poo-poos? I know you refuse to go at school, but we don't have time to stop at home, so if you have to make poo-poos, then make poo-poos here.

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: So, then, Dana asked Adam if he was going to the dance, and Adam said yes. So, then, she said to save her a dance.
Murray: How do you know all this if you were in the car?
Beverly: Sometimes a mother just knows. And I trained myself to read lips a little bit.

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: Mmm, getting funky, snuggle monkey.

Quote from Adam

Adam: No snuggies! No snuggies!
Beverly: You smell like the dryer.
Adam: No snuggies!
Beverly: Honey, you're so yummy!
Adam: That's not cool. I'm out of here. But thanks for the help! And just to be clear, I know I'm yelling, but I'm actually very appreciative!

Quote from Murray

Barry: I do have one question. Is it true you can get a girl pregnant if you French kiss her after midnight?
Murray: What are you talking about?
Barry: Like in the movie "Gremlins." If you kiss after midnight, the saliva goes into her tummy, and 'cause of her hormones and the moon, six weeks later, a baby comes out.
Murray: Gremlins!? You think- How could you even- Ugh!
Barry: Where are you going?
Murray: I got to regroup! I wasn't prepared for this! I need to prepare.

Quote from Murray

Murray: I never thought that I would ever say this to you, but you're over-thinking this, you moron.

Quote from Pops

Pops: Want some company?
Murray: I am a terrible father.
Pops: I'll take that as a yes.
Murray: I don't even know how to talk to my kids.
Pops: I'm aware.
Murray: I always thought that I would do everything different than my Dad did. And look at me, I'm just like him.
Pops: Murray, you're nothing like him.
Murray: What are you talking about? We both look alike. We both scream all the time. We both walk around in our underwear.
Pops: But your dad would never be out here right now, feeling like this. And that's why you're different.

Quote from Murray

Pops: I gave him the talk three years ago when you dropped the ball. He's just messing with you.
Murray: So he wants a sex talk, huh? Well, I'm gonna give him a sex talk, but good.
Pops: Or, instead of trying to spite him, you actually have a real conversation about it, which would mean the world to him.
Murray: No, I'm gonna go with my thing.

Quote from Adam

Beverly: Hey, boopie. Look what mama bought. Now we're parachute pals.
Adam: No! That's not a thing. Take 'em off.
Beverly: I paid for the pants.
Adam: Don't wear the pants.
Beverly: I'm wearing the pants.
Adam: Don't wear the pants.

Quote from Beverly

Erica: Hey, Mom?
Adam: Oh, look, it's Erica.
Erica: Check out this box of old photos that I found in the basement. Man, such good memories. We should, like, organize these in some sort of way. Maybe in, like, a book? That would be fun.
Beverly: Holy [beep], Erica. I have been begging you to make a scrapbook with me for years!

Quote from Erica

Erica: There's 1,000 pictures in this box. There's no way she's gonna make it to that dance.
Adam: Have I mentioned that I love you?
Erica: Say it one more time, and I won't help you.

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: And done!
Erica: What? How did you do this?
Beverly: Please, I've had this whole thing mapped out in my mind for years.
Erica: You pressed flowers and put my favorite music lyrics beneath each photo.
Beverly: Take some time with it.
Erica: It's like a beautiful kaleidoscope of my life.
Beverly: Yeah, touching stuff. Now, I've got to get to that dance. The jam's not gonna pump itself up.

Quote from Murray

Murray: I've never been a great communicator, so I think I should keep things as direct and exact as possible.
Barry: All right.
Murray: So, we're not just gonna have the talk. We're gonna experience the talk. We're gonna do some role-playing. I'm gonna be the girl. You'll be the boy. And we're gonna learn where babies come from with our hands. Take a fraggle.

Quote from Murray

Murray: I'm a pretty fraggle girl. Would you like to come up to my condo for a nightcap? I've been so lonely since I put myself through nursing school.
Barry: Fraggles don't own condos!
Murray: Take it. Put your hand in the fraggle.
Barry: Keep the fraggle away from me!
Murray: Take it now!
Barry: Stop it! I was messing with you! I know everything, okay?
Murray: I know you know everything.

Quote from Murray

Barry: Then why are you torturing me?
Murray: Because you tortured me! What kind of moron makes their dad give them the talk when they don't need the talk? Who does that?

Quote from Adam

Adam: Well, what do you know? No one's looking at your mom anymore.
Dana: Did you do that for me?
Adam: Well, I definitely didn't do it for me.

Quote from Adam

Dana: Save me a dance?
Adam: Oh, definitely. Sounds scrumptious.

Quote from Adam

Adam: Oh, my god! I'm fine! Just let me in and let's go!
Beverly: Well, first, tell me who that girl was.
Adam: What girl? There was no girl.
Beverly: You were talking to Dana Caldwell.
Adam: Why do you ask me a question if you already know the answer? Unlock the door!

Quote from Murray

Murray: Huh. Read my lips.You need help.

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: Our baby has his first girlfriend. I think you know what that means. It's time for the talk.
Murray: What talk?
Beverly: You know, about the birds and the bees and what they do when they've had a couple of white wines and put on a Lionel Richie record?

Quote from Murray

Beverly: Well, do it now.
Murray: What's the rush? There's not, like, a line outside of his bedroom.

Quote from Barry

Barry: Got a problem Barry can solve?
Adam: No, you'll just make fun of me.
Barry: What? I would never do that.
Adam: Fine, I need someone to teach me how to dance.
Barry: Ha! Loser! But you came to the right guy.
Adam: But I'm not coming to you.
Barry: Let's do this.

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: And feel free to jazz it up with some head movements. No one's gonna tell you you're moving your head too much.

Quote from Adam

Adam: Well, this has been great. See ya!
Beverly: Wait a minute, mister.
Adam: No. No way. Not interested.
Beverly: Sweetie, I know you better than anyone. I know this is what's stressing you out. Hand placement, where do you look, how do you keep from stepping on her feet?
Adam: Those are all valid questions, yes.

Quote from Adam

Adam: Let's do this.
Beverly: First, you, uh, put your hands on my waist.
Adam: No, thank you.
Beverly: Adam, I'm your mother.
Adam: That's the point!

Quote from Murray

Murray: So, your mom found out that I never got around - to giving you the talk.
Barry: What talk?
Murray: The "people making people" talk.
Barry: Ohh, that talk!
Murray: Exactly! So, if she asks, tell her we just had it.
Barry: But we didn't.
Murray: We don't need to. I mean, you're a grown man, and you know everything.

Quote from Erica

Adam: I slow-danced with mom!
Erica: What?
Adam: You heard me.
Erica: What do you mean? What are you saying?

Quote from Barry

Adam: I slow-danced with Mom.
Barry: You slow-danced with Mom?
Adam: This doesn't concern you!
Barry: What? The hell it doesn't! You can't go slow-dancing with Mom and not expect me to have lots of opinions on this controversial matter.

Quote from Barry

Murray: All right. Here we go. Time for the talk. All right, before we get down to the nuts and bolts.
Barry: (laughs) Nuts.


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