TV Quotes

Erica: I sent her a letter from camp saying I was homesick. And the next night, she showed up in the top bunk. Look, this is a picture of us in a canoe together! Never again, Adam. Never again!

Barry: Dads are supposed to teach their kids stuff how to throw a fast ball, and change a tire, and shave. You never taught me anything!
Murray: In my defense, I know very little.

Teacher: Mrs. Goldberg, Mrs. Goldberg! It's time to go home.
Beverly: Mmm, dances don't really end, and the invitation for this one said, - "6:00 to question mark", so-
Teacher: That was a 9.

Dana: You okay?
Adam: Me? Yeah, (chuckles) been working out a lot. My quads locked up on me. That ever happen to you?
Dana: Umm, no.
Adam: Das coo', das coo'.

Beverly: Adam, hurry up! We're late for your dentist appointment. Do you need to make? Make poo-poos? I know you refuse to go at school, but we don't have time to stop at home, so if you have to make poo-poos, then make poo-poos here.

Beverly: So, then, Dana asked Adam if he was going to the dance, and Adam said yes. So, then, she said to save her a dance.
Murray: How do you know all this if you were in the car?
Beverly: Sometimes a mother just knows. And I trained myself to read lips a little bit.

Beverly: Mmm, getting funky, snuggle monkey.

Adam: No snuggies! No snuggies!
Beverly: You smell like the dryer.
Adam: No snuggies!
Beverly: Honey, you're so yummy!
Adam: That's not cool. I'm out of here. But thanks for the help! And just to be clear, I know I'm yelling, but I'm actually very appreciative!

Barry: I do have one question. Is it true you can get a girl pregnant if you French kiss her after midnight?
Murray: What are you talking about?
Barry: Like in the movie "Gremlins." If you kiss after midnight, the saliva goes into her tummy, and 'cause of her hormones and the moon, six weeks later, a baby comes out.
Murray: Gremlins!? You think- How could you even- Ugh!
Barry: Where are you going?
Murray: I got to regroup! I wasn't prepared for this! I need to prepare.

Murray: I never thought that I would ever say this to you, but you're over-thinking this, you moron.

Pops: Want some company?
Murray: I am a terrible father.
Pops: I'll take that as a yes.
Murray: I don't even know how to talk to my kids.
Pops: I'm aware.
Murray: I always thought that I would do everything different than my Dad did. And look at me, I'm just like him.
Pops: Murray, you're nothing like him.
Murray: What are you talking about? We both look alike. We both scream all the time. We both walk around in our underwear.
Pops: But your dad would never be out here right now, feeling like this. And that's why you're different.

Pops: I gave him the talk three years ago when you dropped the ball. He's just messing with you.
Murray: So he wants a sex talk, huh? Well, I'm gonna give him a sex talk, but good.
Pops: Or, instead of trying to spite him, you actually have a real conversation about it, which would mean the world to him.
Murray: No, I'm gonna go with my thing.

Beverly: Hey, boopie. Look what mama bought. Now we're parachute pals.
Adam: No! That's not a thing. Take 'em off.
Beverly: I paid for the pants.
Adam: Don't wear the pants.
Beverly: I'm wearing the pants.
Adam: Don't wear the pants.

Erica: Hey, Mom?
Adam: Oh, look, it's Erica.
Erica: Check out this box of old photos that I found in the basement. Man, such good memories. We should, like, organize these in some sort of way. Maybe in, like, a book? That would be fun.
Beverly: Holy [beep], Erica. I have been begging you to make a scrapbook with me for years!

Erica: There's 1,000 pictures in this box. There's no way she's gonna make it to that dance.
Adam: Have I mentioned that I love you?
Erica: Say it one more time, and I won't help you.

Beverly: And done!
Erica: What? How did you do this?
Beverly: Please, I've had this whole thing mapped out in my mind for years.
Erica: You pressed flowers and put my favorite music lyrics beneath each photo.
Beverly: Take some time with it.
Erica: It's like a beautiful kaleidoscope of my life.
Beverly: Yeah, touching stuff. Now, I've got to get to that dance. The jam's not gonna pump itself up.

Murray: I've never been a great communicator, so I think I should keep things as direct and exact as possible.
Barry: All right.
Murray: So, we're not just gonna have the talk. We're gonna experience the talk. We're gonna do some role-playing. I'm gonna be the girl. You'll be the boy. And we're gonna learn where babies come from with our hands. Take a fraggle.

Murray: I'm a pretty fraggle girl. Would you like to come up to my condo for a nightcap? I've been so lonely since I put myself through nursing school.
Barry: Fraggles don't own condos!
Murray: Take it. Put your hand in the fraggle.
Barry: Keep the fraggle away from me!
Murray: Take it now!
Barry: Stop it! I was messing with you! I know everything, okay?
Murray: I know you know everything.

Barry: Then why are you torturing me?
Murray: Because you tortured me! What kind of moron makes their dad give them the talk when they don't need the talk? Who does that?

Adam: Well, what do you know? No one's looking at your mom anymore.
Dana: Did you do that for me?
Adam: Well, I definitely didn't do it for me.

Dana: Save me a dance?
Adam: Oh, definitely. Sounds scrumptious.

Adam: Oh, my god! I'm fine! Just let me in and let's go!
Beverly: Well, first, tell me who that girl was.
Adam: What girl? There was no girl.
Beverly: You were talking to Dana Caldwell.
Adam: Why do you ask me a question if you already know the answer? Unlock the door!

Murray: Huh. Read my lips.You need help.

Beverly: Our baby has his first girlfriend. I think you know what that means. It's time for the talk.
Murray: What talk?
Beverly: You know, about the birds and the bees and what they do when they've had a couple of white wines and put on a Lionel Richie record?

Beverly: Well, do it now.
Murray: What's the rush? There's not, like, a line outside of his bedroom.

Barry: Got a problem Barry can solve?
Adam: No, you'll just make fun of me.
Barry: What? I would never do that.
Adam: Fine, I need someone to teach me how to dance.
Barry: Ha! Loser! But you came to the right guy.
Adam: But I'm not coming to you.
Barry: Let's do this.

Beverly: And feel free to jazz it up with some head movements. No one's gonna tell you you're moving your head too much.

Adam: Well, this has been great. See ya!
Beverly: Wait a minute, mister.
Adam: No. No way. Not interested.
Beverly: Sweetie, I know you better than anyone. I know this is what's stressing you out. Hand placement, where do you look, how do you keep from stepping on her feet?
Adam: Those are all valid questions, yes.

Adam: Let's do this.
Beverly: First, you, uh, put your hands on my waist.
Adam: No, thank you.
Beverly: Adam, I'm your mother.
Adam: That's the point!

Murray: So, your mom found out that I never got around - to giving you the talk.
Barry: What talk?
Murray: The "people making people" talk.
Barry: Ohh, that talk!
Murray: Exactly! So, if she asks, tell her we just had it.
Barry: But we didn't.
Murray: We don't need to. I mean, you're a grown man, and you know everything.

Adam: I slow-danced with mom!
Erica: What?
Adam: You heard me.
Erica: What do you mean? What are you saying?

Adam: I slow-danced with Mom.
Barry: You slow-danced with Mom?
Adam: This doesn't concern you!
Barry: What? The hell it doesn't! You can't go slow-dancing with Mom and not expect me to have lots of opinions on this controversial matter.

Murray: All right. Here we go. Time for the talk. All right, before we get down to the nuts and bolts.
Barry: (laughs) Nuts.