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39Quotes from ‘You Got Zuko'd’

The Goldbergs: You Got Zuko'd

602. You Got Zuko'd

Aired October 3, 2018

When Jackie returns from summer vacation with a new style, Adam tries to change his personality to impress her. Meanwhile, Beverly tries to impart her cooking knowledge on Lainey.

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: You think this is just about cooking? There is so much more that goes into taking care of our Barry.
Lainey: Like what?
Beverly: Washing his Flyers shirts, flipping his covers when he sweats at night, reminding him to make when he waits too long and gets plugged up.
Lainey: What is that? What are you doing?
Beverly: It's the signal for poo-poos. You gotta learn the signal.
Lainey: I don't wanna learn the signal!
Barry: Don't make her do the signal, Mom!
Beverly: She has to learn the signal!
Lainey: I don't wanna learn the signal.
Beverly: Now, this hand is the potty, beckoning the poo-poos, and in they go. Huh? She's not doing it!
Lainey: Of course I'm not doing it!

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Quote from Adam

Jackie: What is on your body right now?
Adam: I kinda ripped my punk-rock jeans on a jagged paving stone, so then I ripped off the other leg to be matchy Like a badass.
Matt: Okay, but what's up with your hair?
Adam: Just how I roll, bro. Also, I forgot to wash out the Sun-In, so then the actual blazing sun overbaked my head when I was loading in those aforementioned paving stones in the back of my ol' wood-paneled rocket here.
Ruben Amaro, Jr.: Okay, but why are you wearing snow gloves?
Adam: Don't own racing gloves, so I'mma tear it up in these Freezy Freakies 'cause I'm crazy like that.
JC Spink: Okay, but why did you bring an old man to a drag race?
Adam: That's my boy Al. Had to drop him off at his sick pad, but the bumpy car ride lulled him to sleep. Which is good, 'cause he would not approve of my drag-racing lifestyle.

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: Aww. Look at you two. Snuggled up on the couch. And what the hell is that?
Lainey: Oh, I made us Hungry-Man dinners.
Barry: I'm hungry. I'm a man. It lines up.
Beverly: Well, that was so thoughtful of you to make Barry a delightful mix of mystery meat and radiation.
Lainey: Thank you. I think?
Beverly: Sweetie, I know you grew up in a lawless, broken home, but these frozen, compartment-based dinners are unacceptable for Barry, no offense.
Lainey: You can't just tag "no offense" on the end of something horribly offensive and act like it's okay.

Quote from Pops

Adult Adam: [v.o.] As Barry's plan sparked to life, I went to my love guru, who could help me find the spark with Jackie.
Adam: Pops, I have a romantic emergency, and I need some of your patented love advice.
Pops: That's exactly why I sit here all day.

Quote from Murray

Adam: Jackie came back from summer break, and now she's all New York-ish and fringy. Dave Kim says if I don't change, we're done.
Pops: Dave Kim, always stirring the pot. You need to be proud of who you are and never change for anyone.
Murray: Wrong. You gotta change and change hard.
Adam: Ya think?
Pops: No! Don't listen to him. He's not even in this conversation. He's behind the paper!
Murray: Ya gotta change when you date someone more pretty. Like me and your mom.
Adam: That makes sense!
Pops: No, it doesn't! You're just intrigued because the paper makes him hidden and mysterious.

Quote from Murray

Murray: You wouldn't believe the things I did for that woman.
Adam: Tell me more, dark stranger.
Murray: I took square-dancing lessons, I brunched with her friends, I even took my shoes off at the beach.
Adam: And the guy is still with my mom!
Pops: It's your dad! You know who he is!
Adult Adam: [v.o.] True, and yet I still listened to the wise voice hidden behind the sports section.

Quote from Adam

Adam: Hello, there, fine madam. I'm here to purchase some of your fine anti-monarchy garb.
Zipperhead Cashier: Beat it, yuppie. Go home and wait for "L.A. Law" to come on.
Dave Kim: She knows what we watch. Let's bail.
Adam: No. This is too important.
Zipperhead Cashier: Nothing can help you, poser.
Adam: Pfft! I am not a poser.
Zipperhead Cashier: Name one member of The Clash.
Adam: "Of the Titans"? Well, there's Zeus and that metal robot owl, and, of course, Harry Hamlin from "L.A. Law" plays Perseus.

Quote from Beverly

Barry: Mother, we have some terrible news.
Beverly: Oh, no. Is it Lyme disease-related? I saw a deer on the way home from the mall.
Barry: It is much worse than a rogue deer.
Beverly: Worse than a rogue deer that may or may not have a tick? What are you trying to tell me, Barry?

Quote from Beverly

Lainey: Someone stole your recipes out of my bag.
Beverly: No!
Lainey: Please, tell me how I can make this right.
Beverly: Well, you could call all of my relatives that knew the recipes... Oh, wait, they're all dead.

Quote from Beverly

Barry: So, what do you say?
Beverly: I say we better hit the market. We're gonna need all their meats and cheeses.

Quote from Pops

Adam: Aw, crap! I accidentally ripped my purposely ripped jeans!
Pops: You actually bought tattered jeans with holes?! Who does that?!
Adam: Badasses like me.

Quote from Barry

Barry: Forget the signal! I realized on my walk home you need to caramelize the onions, then sprinkle two pinches of celery salt.
Beverly: How do you know about celery salt?
Barry: Oh. Um... eater's intuition?
Beverly: It's my recipe. How did you-
Lainey: I'll tell you how. You stole the box, didn't you?
Barry: No! Also, yes.
Lainey: But you told me you didn't want me to baby you, like your mom does.
Barry: And I don't! Also, I do.
Lainey: Tell you what. You already have a mom, and you can keep her!
Barry: No! You're not getting it! If anything, you're a smoking-hot mom with benefits!
Lainey: Ew!
Beverly: How could this happen to a boy-king I raised so normally?

Quote from Lainey

Beverly: It's just that Barry requires a real home-cooked dinner fit for a boy-king. As his future wife, that responsibility falls on you.
Lainey: And every creepy thing you just said is the reason why your boy is so broken, no offense. Hey. Your thing does work.

Quote from Dave Kim

Adam: It was September 1980-something, a brand-new year of school with my same old, awesome friends.
Emmy Mirsky: Hey, dumb-ass. Still a dumb-ass?
Adam: You know it, Muscles. Dave Kim, see you're still rocking the turtleneck.
Dave Kim: I was thinking of making the switch to a mock turtleneck, but why change what works?

Quote from Adam

Jackie: I missed you so much!
Adam: Me too. Ow! Something sharp stabbed my torso!
Jackie: Sorry, safety pin. Don't you just love this jacket? I got it at a thrift shop in the Village.
Adam: What happened to the crushed velvet cloak I found you at the Ren Faire?
Jackie: Kinda got swampy in the subway.
Adam: You went on the subway? But that's where breakdancing gangs shake you down for cash!
Jackie: Turns out, "Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo" lied to us. I had the best time exploring the city. Next year, you have to do the NYU summer program. You won't regret it.
Adam: Yeah, my mom said I can never live in New York, 'cause the pigeons are too aggressive and the poisonous air-conditioner juice from apartments drips on your head as you walk.

Quote from Dave Kim

Adam: How could Jackie pass on the Bazaar-nival?
Dave Kim: It's the Bazaar-nival! Bro, your lady just went full Zuko on you.
Adam: Full wha?
Dave Kim: You know, Danny Zuko from "Grease." After months of summer loving, Sandy returns to school and finds Zuko totally changed.
Emmy Mirsky: In this instance, you're the Sandy.
Dave Kim: And like the movie, the only way to keep your girl is to change everything about yourself in utter desperation.
Adam: That's a horrible message for children!
Dave Kim: The worst. But the songs are real toe-tappers.

Quote from Geoff

Lainey: I can't believe your mom forced me to take the box! The nerve!
Geoff: Well, did you at least give a speech to honor the big moment?
Erica: Calm down, Geoff. Lainey will lend you the dumb box so that you can cook and bake for me, too.
Geoff: No! Your mom gave it to her, not me. I'll just make you store-bought cookies from a mix, like some stupid [bleep] face off the street!

Quote from Barry

Barry: You apologize for nothing! Look in my wild, angry eyes. The last thing I want is for you to be my mom.
Lainey: You mean it?
Barry: More than anything, baby! I've never been more excited about our future together.
[cut to:]
Barry: This is my life now. [putting a meal in the microwave] And it sucks.
Geoff: But you just told Lainey you didn't care if she cooked or not.
Barry: Dude, of course I care. Dinner's the only time of day I can be me! I love racing home to a warm blanket of Parm. That's how our family expresses love, through melted cheese.

Quote from Barry

Geoff: You're giving me the box? But your mom handed it off to Lainey.
Barry: Indeed she did, young Geoffrey. And when Lainey realizes the box is gone, she'll feel so guilty, she'll let my mom teach her all the recipes.
Geoff: So you do want Lainey to be your mom.
Barry: Ew! Gross! But for sure, yes. I want my wife to be my mom.
Geoff: That's weird but I get it! I want to be my girlfriend's mom!
Barry: Dude, there's no ome I'd rather have be a mom to my sister than you.
Geoff: Sir, it would be an honor to be your mother/brother-in-law.
Barry: With my looks and my brains, we can't fail! [microwave flashes, smokes]
Geoff: You can't put metal in the microwave.
Barry: Got it.

Quote from Adam

Jackie: No way! You got us tickets for the school Bazaar-nival!
Adam: That's right. One part bazaar, one part carnival.
Jackie: Two parts fun. You're so cute.
Emmy Mirsky: Are you swooning at a Bazaar-nival?
Adam: It's our special thing since we had our first kiss on the bumper cars.
Jackie: That's how I chipped my tooth.
Adam: It was a magical time.


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