Erica: There's no way he's breaking up with me. I mean, look at me. I'm a catch. I guess I am a little bossy, but what man doesn't like that? Damn it! He's so leaving me! Love isn't real!
Bartender: Neither is your ID.
Erica: Oh, sure, you don't have phones, but you check my fake driver's license? Pick a century!

Beverly: Murray, the kids aren't gonna go away to college and never come back, right?
Murray: I dunno.
Beverly: Sure they're growing up, but they love us and want to stay in our lives forever!
Murray: I dunno.
Beverly: My children will spend every summer with me until the day I die!
Murray: [mumbles]
Beverly: And even then, they're gonna carry my urn on every vacation they ever take.
Murray: Of course!
Beverly: Well, you're finally agreeing with me?
Murray: Of course they're screwing me at the pump! $9 to fill up a tank?
Beverly: Our babies are choosing to de-latch from our collective bosom and all you care about is gas mileage!
Murray: What do you want from me? I don't know what those morons are gonna do. But I do know they're here now, so let's, uh, drive around or, uh, whatever.
Beverly: That's right! They're with us now! So if we make this trip extra special, they're gonna want to come back for more!
Murray: Yeah, I dunno.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] As my mom was trying to keep her family together, my sister was trying to keep her relationship from falling apart.
Erica: [on the phone] Hey, Geoff, it's Erica. Just checking in to see what you meant by, "We need to talk." Probably just wanted to say how we have no problems and we're a perfect couple. Okay, well, have fun on the road, bye!
Adult Adam: [v.o.] Unfortunately, she couldn't leave just one message.
Erica: Here's what "We need to talk" means to me. It means we have a problem. So is... Is it me? You're the problem, Geoff! Maybe I don't want you! Come back to me, my widdle Geoffy-weffy. You're a butt! And not just the tiny part of the butt, but the whole mound. The cheeks, the smelly region, all of it.
Lou Schwartz: Okey-doke. I think I got it.
Erica: Thanks, Dr. Schwartz.
Lou Schwartz: Oh, I almost forgot. Geoffrey called and passed on a message of his own.
Erica: What did he say?
Lou Schwartz: He said he needs to tell you in person, but it's big and possibly upsetting.
Erica: That doesn't help at all. It just makes everything worse!
Lou Schwartz: Sure thing, honey. Bye now.

Adam: Look! They got one of those Magic Fingers bed massagers.
Beverly: No! Nobody touch anything until I hit it with some Lysol Pine action.

Murray: You know what I think? I think you're all [bleep] in the head.
Barry: Dad!
Adam: Whoa!
Erica: Motel language!
Murray: You're just gonna give up?
Barry: Yeah.
Erica: Kinda.
Adam: Do we have a choice?
Murray: Your mom worked her ass off to plan you a great vacation, and I didn't know why. But, damn it, I do now.
Beverly: Murray, what are you saying?
Murray: I'm not sure about the future, but right here, right now, there's no amount of money I wouldn't spend for my family to have a great vacation.
Adam: Dad's suddenly thoughtful! He must've banged his head in the accident!
Beverly: Are you serious?
Murray: To keep this family together, I would spend every last penny.

Security Guard: Oh, sorry, park's closed.
Adam: What? Oh, no! Someone do something!
Beverly: I'm here! [laughs] Don't worry, schmoo. Mama's got this.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] In that moment, Beverly Goldberg did what she did best... She lied her ass off. She told elaborate, far-fetched tales of our journey. Apparently, we were attacked by bald eagles and a motorcycle gang? There was a tornado, and then a tsunami. And then another tornado. She wove a tapestry of lies so intricate, so beautiful, by the end, none of us knew what was real.
Beverly: ...and that is when little Adam had to help his grandpa by sucking out the venom.
Security Guard: Wow, you guys have been through a whole lot as a family. And you know what? I had no idea there were zebras in Arizona.
Beverly: Zebras are the piranhas of the sand.
Security Guard: Well, you know what? All I meant was the park is closed now. But it opens in 15 minutes.
Beverly: [laughs] Why didn't you say something?
Security Guard: Well, I tried, but you were going on and on and on. But go on in! Come on, the park's all yours!
Beverly: Rusty, you're the best!

Adult Adam: [v.o.] Back in the 80's, National Lampoon's Vacation was the best road-trip comedy ever. Yep, the Griswold family tore across America, and no one loved it more than my mom.
Beverly: Yes! This movie has everything I love and deserve! So pack your bags so I can unpack them and then repack them again properly because the Goldbergs are going on vacation!
Erica: I don't know, Mom. That family's trip seemed super stressful and difficult. And they like each other.
Beverly: But we have one week left before Barry and Erica jet off to college.
Barry: It's 10 minutes away.
Erica: On nice days, I might walk.

Beverly: And Adam's starting life as a high-school upperclassman.
Adam: Now when the juniors throw food at me... [sniffs] They'll be my peers.
Barry: Such a dork.
Erica: You shame us daily.

Erica: Look, I just finished following the Grateful Dead in a van with Geoff. I'm not going back out there.
Barry: Me neither!
Beverly: If you don't, I won't pay for college. Yay, everyone's in!
Murray: What's all the noise? I can barely hear myself eat my creme cookies.
Beverly: We're driving to Disneyland!
Murray: I get the feeling I don't have a say in this.
Beverly: Hmm, I get that feeling, too! Yay!
Murray: Why did I come in here?

Beverly: And I got a Polaroid so I can take a photo diary of our trip! Come on, squeeze together.
Murray: I don't want to be near your dad. He smells like coffee and onions.
Beverly: Squeeze in.
Pops: You ain't exactly cinnamon and sugar, sweetheart.
Barry: I don't know where my body ends and Adam's begins.
Erica: This trip is already the worst thing that's ever happened to me!
Murray: Just take the damn picture!