Geoff: Hey, is your mom around? I just finished addressing all the wedding invitations 'cause she was scary.
Adam: Wait, you're super sensitive. I need to prove to my dad that I can make a wedding video filled with heart. Tell me what I need.
Geoff: Oh, man. I freakin' love weddings. The vows, the toasts, the little flower girl dancing on her daddy's shoes, the crusty, old great-grandfather who willed himself to stay alive just to see the beautiful day. It's just too much, man!

Adam: Interesting, interesting. Where do you land on hilarious sound effects or frequent skits where I play both Hans and Franz?
Geoff: Dude, the only funny thing in a wedding video should be the groom jamming a piece of wedding cake into the bride's mouth as she laughs, but we all know that she is pissed!
Adam: Then I got nothing. I give up.
Geoff: You know what your problem is? You're obsessed with making everything funny. I mean, look at these posters. Your room's like a museum for dumb comedy.
Adam: Fine, Gene Shalit! Then what should I be watching?
Geoff: The classics that have real characters and heart and drama. I- I mean, look at this. You have a poster for "Time Bandits" and not "The Godfather."
Adam: Ugh. Not a fan.
Geoff: Not a fan of the greatest movie of all time?
Adam: I mean, I heard good things, so I gave it a shot, but woof. Total snoozefest.
Geoff: So you really only watch comedies? That's what you're saying?
Adam: No! I also watch sci-fi and horror and fantasy and sci-fi horror fantasy and anything set at a wacky summer camp.

Beverly: Uh, hey, there. Hi. I'm Beverly Goldberg. I'm sorry to just barge in on you, but it's kind of my thing, and this is really important.
Jimmie Moore: No bother. It is ladies' night, after all. Even though it's lunchtime. [chuckles] What do you need?
Beverly: Well, my boy-king is taking a shiksa bride, so I'm here to lock down Robbie Hart.
Jimmie Moore: Robbie Hart? Oh, God, no. He's lost it.
Beverly: Really? He was wonderful at the Horowitz Bar Mitzvah.
Jimmie Moore: And that's all he books, ever since he tried to strangle the father of a bride with a microphone cord. Lucky for you, there's a new sheriff in wedding town, and his name is Jimmie Moore!
Beverly: Listen, you have a real bullish tenacity that reminds me of me, but this wedding has to be perfect for me. For them.
Jimmie Moore: And it will be.
Beverly: Seeing as I have no other choice, I guess you're hired.
Jimmie Moore: I'll need a non-refundable cash deposit.
Beverly: Consider it non-refundabled!

Barry: Mom!
Beverly: Barry! I just non-refundably booked our wedding singer!
Lainey: About that Barry has something very important he'd like to share with you. Barry, speak now.
Barry: I just cannot wait for this wedding. Lainey, anything I'm leaving out that you'd like to say?
Lainey: Only that I'm equally excited.
Barry: [chuckles nervously]
Lainey: Barry, anything else you want your mom to know?
Barry: That I appreciate her more than anything. Lainey, just tell her.
Lainey: I can't wait for you to be my mom.
Beverly: [laughing] Oh! Jimmie! We'll see you on the dance floor. Ohh!
Lainey: Oh, God. Now your mom just thinks we totally love and appreciate her!
Barry: We made it so much worse!

Lainey: Please help us not get married, Mr. Wedding Singer.
Jimmie Moore: Well, kids, I think we all know there's only one mature option here. Go through with the marriage and live a painful life of what-ifs.
Barry: This sleazy guy we just met is right! There's no going back! This is our life now!
Jimmie Moore: Let's get you two lovebirds married.

Adam: Challenge accepted and most likely not completed correctly. Hello, everyone Lainey loves. Thanks for gathering on such short notice. I've prepared a plate of Teddy Grahams and juice boxes.
Beverly: Boopie, hurry it up. The wedding's less than two weeks away, and I still haven't booked a swan wrangler.
Adam: Yeah, I'd put a pin in that till you watch the video. Mind you, it's a bit heavy, so I lightened it up a smidge.

Gloria Loring: [singing, on tape] You take the good, you take the bad You take them both, and there you have The facts of
Adam: [on tape] Lainey.
Gloria Loring: The facts of-
Adam: Lainey.
Murray: What the hell is this, moron?
Bill Lewis: Whatever it is, I'm digging the theme song.
Gloria Loring: you know about the facts of-
Adam: Lainey.
Gloria Loring: The facts of-
Adam: Lainey.
Gloria Loring: When the world never seems-
Barry: I'm not on a TV show yet. What's happening?

Lainey: [on tape] Let me begin by saying this is the hardest thing I've ever had to tell anyone.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] Once again, I couldn't handle filming all that emotion, so I added some laughs literally.
Lainey: If I don't give my dreams a shot now, I know I'm gonna regret it forever. [canned laughter] Mrs.
G, I know how much time and energy you've put into this wedding, and all I can say is, I'm sorry. [canned cheers] Erica, I don't know what this means for our band, but I do know with your talent, there is nowhere you can't go. [canned "Ooh"s] Dad, I know this is one of my more crazy, impulsive decisions [canned hooting] but it's just something I have to do. [canned cheers] And, Barry, [voice breaking], what can I say? I will always love you. [canned laughter, applause] So, I guess that's it. I love you all. [fart noise]
Bill Lewis: Dook on a doughnut! Lainey's gone?!
Barry: Tell me what happens on the next episode!

Stewardess: Would you like the peanuts or the pretzels?
Barry: She'll have the me.

Bill Lewis: Any luck, son?
Barry: No.
Beverly: Aw, schmoopie.
Bill Lewis: That's okay, buddy.