Murray: Why do you only show interest in the most ridiculous careers that no Goldberg has ever succeeded in?
Adam: Ridiculous? Give me one example.
Murray: Movie directing. Puppeteer. Animation. Foley artist. Arcade hustler. Sci-fi cartoonist. Stage combat instructor. Stunt man. And to top it all off, now you want to include "comedy guy"?

Adam: I see you have your doubts, so how about this? If I make you laugh right now, then you'll have to fully embrace my destiny as a professional funny man.
Murray: And what happens when I don't laugh? Because I won't.
Adam: You can ground me for the whole year.
Murray: This is a bad deal for you.
Adam: Oh, you're on. Or as Hans and Franz would say [in a German accent] "I'm gonna pump you up."
Murray: Don't do this deal. I don't want you hanging around this house for a whole year.
Adam: [normal voice] Don't worry. I'm just getting warmed up. Or as James Brown would say [as James Brown] "So hot!" In the hot tub! Mnh! Yow! Too hot in the hot tub!"
Murray: This is why it's dangerous to believe in yourself.

Murray: Where did you get that coconut? They're out of season.

Murray: Why did you make that deal? Why?
Adam: 'Cause I'm a funny boy, and I'm gonna be a funny big boy who makes money from it.
Murray: That's truly the first humorous thing that you've said this whole conversation.

Beverly: Look out, high society, a mom and her daughter's boyfriend are going to New York.
Geoff: Is it weird that we've been hanging out?
Beverly: A little.

Erica: No, I don't want a pocket square, Geoff! Again, why are you here?
Other Erica: Yeah. Are you guys, like, on a date?
Beverly: On a date with culture.
Geoff: I'm most excited for M'buku O'Shaughnessy and the Afro Celtic Warbling Experience.

Principal Ball: Thanks for coming. Mr. Crosby here insisted we do this in person. There was another incident in shop class today.
Murray: Sounds like we could have covered this in a phone call, but I'm here, so go for it.

Erica: It says this piece is about Nixon.
Other Erica: That was my first thought. It's so very haunting and painful.
Erica: True. It's so painful. I can feel the music banging in my head and rattling my teeth and gums.
Other Erica: That's how you know it's good.
Erica: I really love how the bagpipes blend horribly with the gonging and the off-putting bird noises. And I just can't do it! This is the worst!

Adam: What do you call a cow with no legs?
Murray: Ground beef. Here's a little tip don't ever do that joke in public.