Beverly: At least let me buy you girls dessert. Oh, there's a new "wudder-ice" place.
Geoff: Oh, man! Their "wudder ice" is amazing!
Other Erica: Okay. What are you people talking about?
Beverly: "Wudder ice."
Geoff: "Wudder ice."
Beverly: "Wudder ice."
Other Erica: What's "wudder"?
Erica: They're trying to say "water ice." It's a local dessert.
Other Erica: Ew. Your food and words are gross. I say we drive straight until we find some culture.

Murray: Enough with the comedy, moron! You're gonna get a regular job like everybody else.
Adam: Like what?
Murray: Eh, I don't know. A police officer, a doctor, a-a construction worker, an Indian chief.
Adam: You're just listing the Village People!
Murray: You have more chance of being in a disco supergroup than you do from making money telling jokes.

Erica: God, it all has to go, Erica. Poison, Madonna, New Kids? How did I ever buy into all of this top-40, MTV garbage? I'm actually embarrassed by who we were before we took Music Deconstruction 101 with Professor Chang-Silverstein.
Other Erica: That class has, like, opened my eyes. No, like, my ears. No, like, my mind.
Erica: Well, get ready to have your mind blown, because I asked Geoff to get us tickets to the Avant Garde Music Festival of New York City.
Other Erica: Stop, we are actually going to see Philip Glass and the Tibetan Throat Singers live?
Erica: Plus, there's a rumor that Yoko Ono is gonna scream onstage for a whole hour!
Other Erica: I'm gonna scream from the audience for a whole hour!
Erica: I can't believe that our lame-ass R.A. called us "poser freshmen who are going through a pretentious phase."
Other Erica: These personas we just discovered, like, last week are, like, who we are and are gonna be for the rest of our lives.
Erica: Exactly. I'll never return to who I was.

Mr. Crosby: I was demonstrating how to perform a mitre cut. When I bent down to retrieve some lumber, I split my pants clean down the middle. Having lost my balance, I reached out for the nearest item to steady myself, which, unfortunately, was an active band saw. Now, while the blade did not connect with any fingers, it did shear off one millimeter of this pinkie nub. Thinking fast, I ripped my already split pants wide open and used the fabric as a tourniquet. Now bottomless and afraid, I Donald Ducked about the room in search of ice. Thankfully, I had confiscated a Slurpee from a student, so I plunged my hand directly into the beverage to numb the pain. As you can imagine, I slipped on the mess, toppling directly into my star student Jonathan Atkins. His body was pinned under mine, rendering him immobile, which was problematic, as I had completely thrown out my back upon impact. The students howled with laughter. Once my shoulder dislocated, I was able to free myself and shimmy towards the door. That's when my trick knee gave out, and I rolled right into the belt sander, which toppled directly onto my groin. Upon impact, I farted real bad and real loud.
Murray: I'm gonna stop you there.
Principal Ball: Really? There?
Murray: Yeah. What does any of this have to do with Adam?
Mr. Crosby: Today, there was one student that did not laugh at my ballet of tragedy. In fact, he was so composed, he turned off that belt sander moments before it plunged onto my genitals. Your son.
Murray: Really?
Mr. Crosby: You must be very proud.

Beverly: Okay, I got you the fancy rich-people food you wanted, but I-I just don't think-
Barry: This is my new way of living. Bring me my first course.
Beverly: I present to you pate.
Barry: Like a hamburger pat-tay?! Yes! No! Ugh! It's like meat, but it's smooth like peanut butter!
Beverly: Come on. Let mama make you a shrimp parm and a chili pot pie.
Barry: Yes! Let's cheese up some shrimps and pie up some chili!

Barry: Check it, Mom. I made a spice rack.
Beverly: Oh, my God, I was literally just saying this is exactly what I need.
Murray: Whoo-hoo. Look at you, saving us money. We can put spices in that.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] Me, on the other hand.
Adam: Hey, Mom, look what I made. It's a doorstop or a bookend.
Beverly: Oh, look. Murray, Adam made a thing.
Murray: Hoo-hoo. Look at you, saving money on firewood.
Adam: That's what it is. A starter log. I feel good about this.

Beverly: Would anyone like to sample a flight of Hamburger Helpers?
Erica: Oh, we're not doing processed foods anymore, and especially not the kind that have a spokesglove.

Beverly: You like fish? Uh, well, we have a Long John Silver's. No, wait. [chuckles] I've got Tuna Helper right here. Geoff, crack open a can.
Geoff: Hey, Erica, it's me, your boyfriend, Geoff.
Beverly: Oh, he's plating it all wrong. I said "two heaping scoops," Geoff. Two!

Erica: Geoff, I specifically left a message for you to get tickets for the Avant Garde Festival.
Geoff: Right, and I didn't understand what that was, so I ignored it and got third-row center.
Erica: I cannot miss this festival, okay? Yoko Ono is finally gonna free herself from the shadow of her husband's bubblegum band.
Geoff: You mean the Beatles?

Beverly: Did my daughter just say "water," like she's from Delaware?
Geoff: I think she did.
Beverly: Ugh. College was a mistake.
Geoff: Huge.