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39Quotes from ‘The Hooters’

The Goldbergs: The Hooters

513. The Hooters

Aired January 17, 2018

Murray is fed up of Adam being the class clown and doesn't think he'll ever make a career in entertainment. Meanwhile, Beverly and Geoff worry that Erica has become a pretentious snob at college.

Quote from Erica

Beverly: At least let me buy you girls dessert. Oh, there's a new "wudder-ice" place.
Geoff: Oh, man! Their "wudder ice" is amazing!
Other Erica: Okay. What are you people talking about?
Beverly: "Wudder ice."
Geoff: "Wudder ice."
Beverly: "Wudder ice."
Other Erica: What's "wudder"?
Erica: They're trying to say "water ice." It's a local dessert.
Other Erica: Ew. Your food and words are gross. I say we drive straight until we find some culture.

Quote from Murray

Murray: Enough with the comedy, moron! You're gonna get a regular job like everybody else.
Adam: Like what?
Murray: Eh, I don't know. A police officer, a doctor, a-a construction worker, an Indian chief.
Adam: You're just listing the Village People!
Murray: You have more chance of being in a disco supergroup than you do from making money telling jokes.

Quote from Erica

Erica: God, it all has to go, Erica. Poison, Madonna, New Kids? How did I ever buy into all of this top-40, MTV garbage? I'm actually embarrassed by who we were before we took Music Deconstruction 101 with Professor Chang-Silverstein.
Other Erica: That class has, like, opened my eyes. No, like, my ears. No, like, my mind.
Erica: Well, get ready to have your mind blown, because I asked Geoff to get us tickets to the Avant Garde Music Festival of New York City.
Other Erica: Stop, we are actually going to see Philip Glass and the Tibetan Throat Singers live?
Erica: Plus, there's a rumor that Yoko Ono is gonna scream onstage for a whole hour!
Other Erica: I'm gonna scream from the audience for a whole hour!
Erica: I can't believe that our lame-ass R.A. called us "poser freshmen who are going through a pretentious phase."
Other Erica: These personas we just discovered, like, last week are, like, who we are and are gonna be for the rest of our lives.
Erica: Exactly. I'll never return to who I was.

Quote from Murray

Mr. Crosby: I was demonstrating how to perform a mitre cut. When I bent down to retrieve some lumber, I split my pants clean down the middle. Having lost my balance, I reached out for the nearest item to steady myself, which, unfortunately, was an active band saw. Now, while the blade did not connect with any fingers, it did shear off one millimeter of this pinkie nub. Thinking fast, I ripped my already split pants wide open and used the fabric as a tourniquet. Now bottomless and afraid, I Donald Ducked about the room in search of ice. Thankfully, I had confiscated a Slurpee from a student, so I plunged my hand directly into the beverage to numb the pain. As you can imagine, I slipped on the mess, toppling directly into my star student Jonathan Atkins. His body was pinned under mine, rendering him immobile, which was problematic, as I had completely thrown out my back upon impact. The students howled with laughter. Once my shoulder dislocated, I was able to free myself and shimmy towards the door. That's when my trick knee gave out, and I rolled right into the belt sander, which toppled directly onto my groin. Upon impact, I farted real bad and real loud.
Murray: I'm gonna stop you there.
Principal Ball: Really? There?
Murray: Yeah. What does any of this have to do with Adam?
Mr. Crosby: Today, there was one student that did not laugh at my ballet of tragedy. In fact, he was so composed, he turned off that belt sander moments before it plunged onto my genitals. Your son.
Murray: Really?
Mr. Crosby: You must be very proud.

Quote from Barry

Beverly: Okay, I got you the fancy rich-people food you wanted, but I-I just don't think-
Barry: This is my new way of living. Bring me my first course.
Beverly: I present to you pate.
Barry: Like a hamburger pat-tay?! Yes! No! Ugh! It's like meat, but it's smooth like peanut butter!
Beverly: Come on. Let mama make you a shrimp parm and a chili pot pie.
Barry: Yes! Let's cheese up some shrimps and pie up some chili!

Quote from Adam

Barry: Check it, Mom. I made a spice rack.
Beverly: Oh, my God, I was literally just saying this is exactly what I need.
Murray: Whoo-hoo. Look at you, saving us money. We can put spices in that.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] Me, on the other hand.
Adam: Hey, Mom, look what I made. It's a doorstop or a bookend.
Beverly: Oh, look. Murray, Adam made a thing.
Murray: Hoo-hoo. Look at you, saving money on firewood.
Adam: That's what it is. A starter log. I feel good about this.

Quote from Erica

Beverly: Would anyone like to sample a flight of Hamburger Helpers?
Erica: Oh, we're not doing processed foods anymore, and especially not the kind that have a spokesglove.

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: You like fish? Uh, well, we have a Long John Silver's. No, wait. [chuckles] I've got Tuna Helper right here. Geoff, crack open a can.
Geoff: Hey, Erica, it's me, your boyfriend, Geoff.
Beverly: Oh, he's plating it all wrong. I said "two heaping scoops," Geoff. Two!

Quote from Erica

Erica: Geoff, I specifically left a message for you to get tickets for the Avant Garde Festival.
Geoff: Right, and I didn't understand what that was, so I ignored it and got third-row center.
Erica: I cannot miss this festival, okay? Yoko Ono is finally gonna free herself from the shadow of her husband's bubblegum band.
Geoff: You mean the Beatles?

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: Did my daughter just say "water," like she's from Delaware?
Geoff: I think she did.
Beverly: Ugh. College was a mistake.
Geoff: Huge.

Quote from Adam

Adam: Why do you always wear a tie in shop class, anyway? It literally can get caught in everything.
Mr. Crosby: I dress nice for the wood because I honor the wood. I expect the same from my students.
Murray: I get the boy can be a bit of a smartass, but it's just wood. I don't know why you got to honor it.
Mr. Crosby: I'll tell you why, sir. I lived in a suspended bamboo cage for three years.
Principal Ball: Oh, boy. Uh, Derek, while we all thank you for your service, I don't think we need to hear-
Mr. Crosby: It was a simple design, but sturdy as hell. Naturally, I tried to saw through it with a crude tool I had fashioned from my hair and some toenails.
Principal Ball: Could we just stay on course-
Mr. Crosby: But as time wore on, the jungle madness took me. I tried to summon a monkey army to free me from my elegant fortress.
Principal Ball: Okay, just speed through to the end.
Mr. Crosby: I soon realized that I needed to forgive the wood that encaged me.
Principal Ball: Just, uh [whistles]
Mr. Crosby: And when a monsoon swept my captors into a river, that cage became a raft to freedom. And so, I have dedicated my life to the art of woodworking.

Quote from Geoff

Beverly: Don't worry. Our girl's just going through a little phase.
Geoff: Is she? 'Cause it kinda feels like Erica's outgrown The Hooters and cooked fish and attractive clothing and Philly's own "wudder ice." She kinda-
Beverly: Kinda what? Say it.
Geoff: I can't say it.
Beverly: Say it, Geoff.
Geoff: I don't wanna say it.
Beverly: If you don't say it, I'll say it.
Geoff: No, don't say it.
Beverly: Then say it.
Geoff: Erica is a giant [bleep].
Beverly: Whoa!
Geoff: What were you gonna say?!
Beverly: That college has made her snobby and pretentious.
Geoff: That's what I meant.
Beverly: Well, that's not what you said.
Geoff: Oh, no! I'm so upset! You made me say it! Now I feel horrible!

Quote from Barry

Beverly: Pull it together, Geoff. If we don't do something, Erica's gonna leave Jenkintown behind to experience the world and become an interesting person.
Geoff: But how do we stop it?
Barry: You can't stop it. Your only choice is to become it.
Beverly: Barry, no. That brie wheel is for an entire party.
Barry: I can now handle the richest of party cheeses since I've become accustomed to how the other half lives. Now, pardon me, and prepare to be amazed, as I drink this water.
Geoff: [gasps]
Beverly: He said it right. How, Barry?

Quote from Barry

Adult Adam: [v.o.] Turns out, Barry had been obsessively studying the ways of the wealthy, thanks to one iconic '80s TV show.
Beverly: "Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous"?
Barry: Thanks to Robin Leach, I now know everything there is about class and wealth. I study all the episodes to prepare myself.
Geoff: For what?
Barry: For when I'll be the Sixers star player and team doctor, which means, if I get injured, I'll be able to perform surgery on myself.
Beverly: I believe in you, cocoa tush!

Quote from Adam

Murray: That's what you get for telling bad jokes instead of getting good grades.
Adam: It's not like I'm gonna use anything I've learned in shop class or math or science or history. Sex Ed cleared up some rumors, but that's it.

Quote from Barry

Barry: Ahoy, and welcome aboard on our journey to riches and fame-awcity.
Beverly: Oh, I bet the letters stand for stuff.
Barry: Oh, yes. It's called a mammogram. And we start with C, for clothes. From now on, you'll only wear the finest fabric known to man velvet, silk, all the leathers.
Beverly: Okay, I guess we could hit Filene's Basement, see if there's anything in the bargain bin.
Barry: Never! You now only shop upstairs at Filene's, where they have fancy windows and you pay full price.
Beverly: Full price? Can that even be done?

Quote from Barry

Adult Adam: [v.o.] Then came A, for Accents, which means you sound sophisticated, and from anywhere but Philly.
Barry: Now tell me what's in this glass. Don't think, go.
Beverly: Water. Ooh, my God. I'm learning.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] And last, the double S, which stood for Snooty Sauce. All you had to do was learn how to ask for it.
Beverly: Pardon me, have you got any Grey Poupon?

Quote from Barry

Adam: [to Murray] You're actually laughing! At "227"? What is happening?
Barry: I'll tell you what's happening. Big Tasty's getting a taste of the high life.
Adam: Please, I'm in the middle of a very important discovery right now. Do not butt in with your insanity.
Barry: You know what's insane? This delicious jar of caviar.
Murray: How the hell are you paying for caviar?
Adam: No. This is not about him right now.
Barry: I cashed in one of Nana's bonds to get a little taste of Beverly Hills. [muffled] Oh, no! It's so salty!
Murray: They're fish eggs, you moron.
Barry: Fish lay eggs?! [Murray laughs] It's stuck under my tongue! I need milk!

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: Fancy seeing you here. So fancy.
Geoff: Indeed.
Erica: Okay, why are you here and talking like that and dressed like the cast of "Dynasty"?
Beverly: What, you mean these old new full-priced rags from the real Filenes Above Ground? Hmm. We stopped there on the way here.
Geoff: Pocket square?

Quote from Erica

Beverly: I read about this little musical powwow in The New Yorker.
Erica: No, you didn't. I literally told you I was coming here.
Geoff: Did you, now? Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho.
Erica: What is that? Why are you doing that?
Beverly & Geoff: Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho.
Erica: Stop ho-ho'ing. You sound like douchey Santas.
Beverly & Geoff: Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho!
Other Erica: Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho!
Erica: Why are you doing it?
Other Erica: It seems like what you do.

Quote from Murray

Murray: Stop right there. We need to talk.
Adam: Why? You heard the guy I'm his star student.
Murray: He was Donald Ducking! If you don't laugh at a Donald Ducking, then we got a big problem big.

Quote from Erica

Erica: Hi. Excuse me. Have you seen a young man in a semi-silk jacket with an older lady who looks like a villain in a soap opera?
Rudolf: You're literally describing everyone here.

Quote from Adam

Mr. Crosby: And remember safety first. There's no room for tomfoolery, shenanigans, or joyful horseplay in this class.
All: We'll cut off our finger.
Mr. Crosby: And why do we always measure twice?
All: We'll cut off our finger.
Mr. Crosby: And how do we know this to be true?
All: You cut off your finger.
Mr. Crosby: That's right. I cut off my finger. And this one! This one they sewed back on, but it doesn't work right. Finger rejected the host.

Quote from Adam

Mr. Crosby: All right. This is a butt joint. See here? You line up the studs, and then you pound that butt joint until it locks in tight. Questions?
Adam: I got a question. What's the best thing to use to wipe your butt joint?

Quote from Adam

Mr. Crosby: Since we're all in the mood to have a laugh, why don't you show the class your midterm project?
Adam: You've got it, sir. I call it "Really Big Jenga"!
Mr. Crosby: That's just a bunch of 2x4s you sawed in half and stacked up. You didn't even sand them.

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: Oh! My baby's back!
Erica: Whoa, how long were you standing there waiting?
Beverly: So long.

Quote from Adam

Murray: You're grounded for a month, too.
Adam: What?!
Murray: You got to get serious with your schoolwork. Because in the future, jokes can't pay the bills.
Adam: Oh, yes, they can. Ask Sinbad.

Quote from Geoff

Beverly: Geoff? I thought you ended up going to the concert.
Geoff: No. Erica's doing her own thing which is great. I totally get it. Even though it's hurtful and I don't get it at all.

Quote from Barry

Geoff: So, you really think that Erica's like these fancy people on this show?
Barry: She's seeing Yoko Ono being weird and artsy. She's fancy, all right.

Quote from Adam

Murray: Why are you doing out of your room?! You're grounded for being a moron!
Adam: I can't be in that room anymore, man. It's like a prison with all my toys and video games.

Quote from Murray

Murray: Why do you only show interest in the most ridiculous careers that no Goldberg has ever succeeded in?
Adam: Ridiculous? Give me one example.
Murray: Movie directing. Puppeteer. Animation. Foley artist. Arcade hustler. Sci-fi cartoonist. Stage combat instructor. Stunt man. And to top it all off, now you want to include "comedy guy"?

Quote from Adam

Adam: I see you have your doubts, so how about this? If I make you laugh right now, then you'll have to fully embrace my destiny as a professional funny man.
Murray: And what happens when I don't laugh? Because I won't.
Adam: You can ground me for the whole year.
Murray: This is a bad deal for you.
Adam: Oh, you're on. Or as Hans and Franz would say [in a German accent] "I'm gonna pump you up."
Murray: Don't do this deal. I don't want you hanging around this house for a whole year.
Adam: [normal voice] Don't worry. I'm just getting warmed up. Or as James Brown would say [as James Brown] "So hot!" In the hot tub! Mnh! Yow! Too hot in the hot tub!"
Murray: This is why it's dangerous to believe in yourself.

Quote from Murray

Murray: Where did you get that coconut? They're out of season.

Quote from Murray

Murray: Why did you make that deal? Why?
Adam: 'Cause I'm a funny boy, and I'm gonna be a funny big boy who makes money from it.
Murray: That's truly the first humorous thing that you've said this whole conversation.

Quote from Geoff

Beverly: Look out, high society, a mom and her daughter's boyfriend are going to New York.
Geoff: Is it weird that we've been hanging out?
Beverly: A little.

Quote from Geoff

Erica: No, I don't want a pocket square, Geoff! Again, why are you here?
Other Erica: Yeah. Are you guys, like, on a date?
Beverly: On a date with culture.
Geoff: I'm most excited for M'buku O'Shaughnessy and the Afro Celtic Warbling Experience.

Quote from Murray

Principal Ball: Thanks for coming. Mr. Crosby here insisted we do this in person. There was another incident in shop class today.
Murray: Sounds like we could have covered this in a phone call, but I'm here, so go for it.

Quote from Erica

Erica: It says this piece is about Nixon.
Other Erica: That was my first thought. It's so very haunting and painful.
Erica: True. It's so painful. I can feel the music banging in my head and rattling my teeth and gums.
Other Erica: That's how you know it's good.
Erica: I really love how the bagpipes blend horribly with the gonging and the off-putting bird noises. And I just can't do it! This is the worst!

Quote from Adam

Adam: What do you call a cow with no legs?
Murray: Ground beef. Here's a little tip don't ever do that joke in public.


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