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‘The Fake-Up’ Quotes Page 1 of 3

The Goldbergs: The Fake-Up

722. The Fake-Up

Aired May 6, 2020

Beverly gets involved as Adam and Brea's relationship blossoms. Meanwhile, Barry is torn when Lainey comes to town.

Quote from Pops

Beverly: Are you kidding me? Who does he think he is, shaving and going to things? He's still a little boy.
Pops: You may not want to accept it, but Adam's basically a man. You know... Except for the body, voice, and toys.

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Quote from Beverly

Adult Adam: [v.o.] As Barry sought dating advice, I found myself on a date with Brea... And my mom.
Beverly: Here I am.
Brea: Here, I saved you a seat next to me.
Beverly: Nonsense. Scooch. I've got the popcorn, so I'll sit in the middle.
Adam: I can't sit next to my girlfriend?
Beverly: You're sitting next to your original girlfriend.

Quote from Erica

Erica: Why are all my friends into you? You're built like Winnie the Pooh.
Barry: The lovable pants-less bear? He's a personal hero.

Quote from Adam

Adam: Let me set the mood with the silky sounds of Miss Jody Watley. Oh, balls. "Haunted Halloween Sound Effects"? Someone put this in the wrong case.
Brea: Would you just come here?
Adam: Oh, yes. The kissing. [doorbell rings]
Beverly: [o.s.] Brea! It's Beverly Goldberg! Brea! [knock on door]
Brea: Please tell me you popped in that haunted soundtrack.
Adam: This is much more terrifying.

Quote from Beverly

Brea: Mrs. G. Why are you here?
Beverly: For answers! How could you cheat on my baby?
Brea: That's what Adam told you?
Beverly: He told me about you and Tony the Tiger. What does he have that Adam doesn't? Was he not man enough for you? You know, 'cause he wears a lady's size seven tennis shoe?
Brea: Oh, wow.
Beverly: Or because root beer is too spicy for him? Or because I have to hide his pills in peanut butter?
Brea: That is a lot of new and very specific information.
Beverly: Well, then it must be because he sleeps with his Glo Worm.
Brea: Whose worm?
Beverly: His good-night friend, Glowie. It's a plush toy that lights up when you give him a little squeeze.
Brea: Isn't he a little old for that?
Beverly: And I tried to hide it from him, but he found it. Even hung up signs with a little reward.

Quote from Adam

Beverly: [sings] Laundry day, laundry day Make my baby's stains go away [gasps] Ooh!
Adam: Nothing! Studying! Respecting boundaries!
Beverly: What is going on here in the dark?
Adam: Brea, do you want to field this one?
Brea: I do not.
Beverly: And what is that funk? It's like I'm standing in a musky cloud.
Adam: Basements are damp.
Beverly: It's also hot. Like, steamy.
Brea: I think the dryer was on.
Adam: Brea on the board. The dryer. Likely culprit for everything you're smelling.
Beverly: Binaca. Vanilla-scented candle. Sade's classic booty groove The Sweetest Taboo. [gasps] You two were kissing!
Brea: Okay, I'm just gonna mosey on out of here.
Adam: No! We are not gonna be shamed by you. Basement kissing is a teen rite of passage. I demand you leave!

Quote from Beverly

Virginia: Beverly, are we doing the book club down here today?
Beverly: Book club is canceled.
Linda: You didn't read Fried Green Tomatoes, either, huh?
Essy: Snooze-fest. Nothing happens.
Beverly: Something's been happening down here. Adam and this young enchantress have been necking.
Essy: Lip locking?
Linda: Tongue wrestling?
Virginia: The first marital pleasure?
Brea: Is there a window or a chimney I can crawl out of?

Quote from Beverly

Adam: That's it. Everyone needs to leave immediately!
Erica: That's not gonna happen. [Barry chuckles] We're all just happy watching you squirm. Brea, is it?
Murray: I don't think so.
Brea: Screw it. I'm just gonna make a run for it. Bye, Adam. This was traumatic.
Beverly: Goodbye, Brea.
Adam: Look what you all did!
Beverly: Well, that's what you get, Schmoo. The next time you need kissies so badly, you come to your mama. [all groan]
Pops: I saw that coming.
Adam: Oh, balls, no!

Quote from Barry

Erica: What up, suckas?
Barry: Just our divine spirits. Turns out, I'm her handsome beau.
Ren: We're going with "boyfriend." Yay!
Erica: Okay, well, despite all of this, I'm glad I found you, because guess who's back in town.
Barry: The boys? The Globetrotters? Evel Knievel? Gallagher and his mallet?
Erica: It's Lainey.

Quote from Adam

Adam: I have an important announcement. Brea's coming over to pick me up for our date, and I don't want to hear a peep out of any of you.
Murray: You're not gonna have to worry about that here.
Beverly: Where are you going? Niagara Falls? To a seedy motel to do your wicked business?
Adam: For your information, we're gonna go see a Eugene O'Neill play and grab a late supper.
Beverly: Is that why you're dressed like a boy professor?
Adam: While you may not recognize it, Mother, I'm a man, with manly tastes and desires. [Beverly scoffs] Ooh. My five-o'clock shadow is early. 'Scuse me. My lady likes me clean.

Quote from Naked Rob

Barry: I'm talking about Ren and Lainey.
Andy: Big Tasty, we've been over this. Lainey went to LA to be a rock star.
Naked Rob: I heard she's in that Robert Palmer video where he apologizes to women for turning them on.

Quote from Andy

Barry: What do I do?
Andy: Maybe go talk to Erica. I mean, Lainey and Ren are both her close friends. Maybe she'd have a perspective on this that you don't.
Barry: Sometimes the tiniest men have the greatest ideas. Yes! I will ask my sister which lover I should take.
Andy: I'm not clinically tiny.

Quote from Adam

Adam: There's my Queen Bee.
Brea: Look. Your mom keeps bringing me loaves of banana bread. They are so heavy, they defy the laws of physics.
Adam: We have a theory. She uses a lot of bananas and some depleted uranium.

Quote from Barry

Adult Adam: [v.o.] Turns out friendship was all Lainey wanted, but that's not what it looked like.
Ren: Uh, sorry to interrupt, but... screw you, Barry.
Barry: Renjamin! It's not what you think!
Ren: You think Ren is short for Renjamin?
Barry: There's no way to know.
Ren: There is. I-I'm Lauren. But it turns out you don't know me... And I really don't know you.

Quote from Murray

Beverly: I don't understand. We were so good together.
Adam: Love is a battlefield.
Beverly: What did you do to drive our girl away?
Adam: Maybe I wasn't listening enough?
Beverly: Oh, nobody splits up because of that. Your father hasn't listened to me in 20 years. Right, Murray?
Murray: Yeah, uh, tater tots. Two bags.

Quote from Lainey

Erica: Los Angeles must be so amazing.
Lainey: It's all right. I did almost meet Burt Reynolds once. It turned out to be just a guy with a cowboy hat and a mustache, but still pretty cool.
Erica: Almost the Bandit. That's not nothing.
Lainey: Yeah, but it's tougher than I thought.
Erica: Come on. You're the most famous commercial fruit actor I know.
Lainey: But I only made $875 last year.
Erica: You are in some trouble, lady.
Lainey: But I'm not giving up. I mean, what else would I even do? Come back to Jenkintown? [both laugh] Can you imagine me stuck in this town as an adult, doing a job?

Quote from Pops

Beverly: [to Adam] I'm not going anywhere!
Pops: That's good, because someone brought over a rice pudding with raisins.
Beverly: Not a good time, Dad. I just caught Adam and his little friend here couch-kissing.
Pops: Pudding?
Brea: No, thank you.

Quote from Murray

Murray: Bevy, where do you keep the bagel chips? There's a dip I want to explore.
Beverly: Forget your dip. Your baby boy was down here swapping spit with this one.
Brea: Hi, Mr. Goldberg. I'm Adam's girlfriend, Brea.
Murray: Nobody's named Brea.
Adam: She is! And you should be wearing pants.
Murray: I was earlier.

Quote from Barry

Erica: Is this the laundry line? Got a load of socks and... What is that hanging in the air?
Beverly: The loss of innocence.
Erica: That happened sooner than I thought.
Brea: God, is your whole neighborhood in here?
Barry: I hope so, 'cause I've got an emergency! I lost three pieces of a puzzle down here. One is an edge, one has some blue in it, and the last one has half a dog's nose or foot. [sniffs] What am I tasting?
Pops: Rice pudding?
Barry: I don't think so, but thank you.

Quote from Barry

Adult Adam: [v.o.] It was May 6th, 1980-something, and Barry was in for an unexpected surprise.
Ren: Guess who?
Barry: Gene Hackman!
Ren: What? No. It's Ren. Now I feel like I need to moisturize more.
Barry: Oh. I wasn't going by touch.

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