Beverly: And while I'm here, I picked up a couple of essentials. Some fiddle faddle, videotapes for Adam, a clapper for Dad so he can turn the lights off from bed, cologne for Pops, and an athletic supporter and cup for Barry. Look at this. I'm Darth Vader. Erica, I am your mother. Give me your discount. Oh, but seriously, give me your discount.

Erica: Here you go. Four snow pants, four parkas, three sets of mittens, and of course, fiddle faddle. And it practically all pays for itself with my employee discount.
Beverly: Have I told you that you're my favorite child? I'm gonna say it at the dinner table tonight.
I literally love you the most.

Beverly: Erica! Call Mr. Gimbel. Tell him one of his best customers is in trouble and needs his help.

Erica: You gave me no choice. You were using me as a human discount.

Beverly: Who has their own mother arrested? Who does that? And to think I almost bought you snow pants?

Beverly: Your own daughter had me hauled off to jail.
Erica: It was the mall security office next to the Orange Julius.
Beverly: It was jail. It was small and stuffy, and they took a very unflattering polaroid of me. Look at it. Look at it!

Adam: Okay, don't touch anything in there. I'm about to win Zelda. I gotta grab my video camera and record this moment. 'Cause it's literally the biggest day of my life.
Murray: Well, who's Zelda? Your girlfriend?
Adam: No. It's the game I've been playing for the last six months. It's all I talk about. Were you even listening?
Murray: I think you answered your own question there.

Barry: You won't believe the day I had. First, I aced my math quiz, B-. Then, bio lab got flooded, so we had class in the quad, where a bird did not crap on me. Then after school, Jen Sperling asked me to the dance, 'cause her date got viral meningitis.
Murray: Oh, good for you. Bad for him. But good for you.
Barry: His brain is swollen! Everything's coming up Barry.

Adam: No, no! No! What did you do?! You stupid, stupid man.
Barry: Dude! What's your problem?
Adam: I've been playing that game for six months!
Barry: And I beat it in six seconds. Guess that's just Barry luck.
Adam: You're not lucky. You didn't win a single race at the track.
Barry: I won the exotica! You just don't understand golf.
Adam: You don't understand anything. No one wins for coming in last. Pops made it all up.

Barry: Pops would never screw with me like that. Tell him. You can win tons of money for coming in last.
Murray: That's right! And one day, you'll ride a unicorn, and you'll live in a house made of candy. Just to be clear you won't.