Adult Adam: [v.o.] Back in the '80s, before we had the Internet to diagnose all of our illnesses, we had my mom. That's right. Before there was WebMD, we had BevMD.
Erica: My neck is killing me. I must've slept on it funny.
Beverly: What's that? Neck pain? Can you look down?
Erica: Yeah, I guess.
Beverly: You guess? [scoffs] We're going to the doctor. It's definitely meningitis.
Erica: It's not meningitis!
Beverly: You know who else didn't think they had meningitis? Your cousin Gerald. Then it ate through his spine, and now he's just a human jellyfish they have to carry around in a bucket! Walk away from me. Let me see how you walk. Your gait's uneven. We're going to the doctor!

Beverly: You what? Why haven't you said anything?
Murray: I just tweaked my shoulder reaching for the remote wrong. Don't make a big deal out of it.
Beverly: You can't move your arm. How is that not a big deal?
Murray: It's just a tweak!
Beverly: Or advanced leprosy.
Bill Lewis: Oh, no! That's the worst kind!
Murray: Don't listen to her, Bill.
Beverly: You know who else didn't listen? Myrna Silvman's nephew. And the boy had to move to a Hawaiian island where there are no direct flights. In the end, he was just an ear and a foot.
Bill Lewis: Sweet Lord! I don't want a friend who's just human odds and ends. Go to a doctor!

Adult Adam: [v.o.] But the worst was when you'd get caught between their medical philosophies.
Adam: Dad, does this look normal?
Murray: Considering you're a greasy, oily teen with a zit? Yes.
Beverly: No! That is a spider bite. My nail girl Janae's middle son thought he had a zit, but it was actually a black widow injection point. Next thing he knew, about 100 newborn spiders emerged from his fleshy cheek.
Adam: I don't like the spider eggs in my face, Mama!
Beverly: Murray, start the car. We're going to the E.R.
Murray: Yeah, it's a zit. I'm not doing that.
Beverly: Mama's got you, baby!
Adam: [panting] I don't want the spiders!