Adam: Ow! You punched me in the heart!
Emmy Mirsky: You're picking your grandfather over me? Seriously?
Adam: You know it's been my dream to go on "Double Dare." It's selfish of you not to support that.
Emmy Mirsky: How am I the weak link? You got flat feet and a lazy eye. That "Double Dare" human-hamster wheel will eat you alive.
Adam: I had no choice. This is the only way I can beat my lifelong rival, Handsome Ben.

Dave Kim: Bro, you don't have a prayer.
Adam: Shut up, Dave Kim. This face was made for TV.
Dave Kim: But that voice, youch. You two can't compete with Handsome Ben.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] He was right. We all had one growing up, the vicious rival who always won.
Dave Kim: Who always beats you out for class president?
Adam: Handsome Ben.
Dave Kim: And who always gets the lead in the musical?
Adam: Handsome Ben.
Dave Kim: Who was first in line to see "Temple of Doom"?
Adam: Handsome Ben.
Dave Kim: You had to sit in the second row, like a chump.

Beverly: Are the players married to the cheerleaders? Do you think their families are mad 'cause they work on Sundays? Ugh! Look at those grass stains. Who washes those pants?! Aren't we all patriots? Oh ho! Look at that big, snuggly pileup. Why does the throwy guy keep putting his hands in the other guy's butt? I have a better name for a team, The Yankee Doodles.