Erica: What the hell has gotten into you?!
Geoff: I don't know, but do you like it?
Erica: Not even a little bit.
Geoff: Good. I hate it, too! Barry got me all riled up and convinced me you were gonna leave me for Evan 'cause I'm nice.
Erica: I'm a college dropout with a band that rehearses in her parents' basement. The only consistently good thing in my life is you.
Geoff: Oh, thank God.
Erica: And you! [to Barry] Stop messing with Geoff's head. You know it's all oatmeal up there.
Geoff: Huh?

Beverly: Well, hello, Virginia Kremp.How's V-Day treating ya?
Virginia Kremp: Well, as we say in the flower game, business is blooming.
Beverly: Shh. I'm in mid-brag. As you know, my guys have showered me with expensive gifts and ticket experiences.
Virginia Kremp: She's here, Charles! Bring in the Valentine Explosion.
Beverly: It's so big and deserved! "Your devoted husband and keeper of your heart, Murray."
Virginia Kremp: Hmm, Murray. No, no, I think that's a mistake. Um, Adam actually came in and ordered that for you.
Beverly: Um... You're very wrong. Clearly, it's from my husband.
Mr. Kremp: No, I took the order. It was your son, the one who forces Chad to act in his weird videos.
Beverly: Then why does it say it's from my "devoted husband," Charles? Why does it say "Murray" if Adam bought the flowers, Charles? Why, Charles?
Virginia Kremp: One theory is that they are trying to dish you off on each other. The other theory is I should keep my big, fat mouth closed. Okay. I'm gonna go now. Bye.

Beverly: You don't need a tape. Just tell me everything now.
Murray: Right now? To your face?! I can't do that!
Beverly: Please?
Pops: Just tell her, Murray.
Murray: Fine! I love you! And I hate that I live in a constant panic, afraid to tell you that. And I hate that I can't express how much you mean to me!
Beverly: You just did, Mur.
Murray: I just said that I love you.
Beverly: I know.

Adam: Aww, Jackie, thanks again for this awesome V-Day gift.
Jackie: Anytime you miss me, all you gotta do is hit "Play."
Coach Nick: [on tape] Hey, Goldfarb! Since you don't listen to me in gym class, maybe you'll listen to your furry friend.
Adam: Balls! Giant Coach Mellor must've grabbed Teddy when I wasn't looking.
Coach Nick: This isn't the school from "Fame," so put down your lightsaber and focus on what's real important, sports! [Adam throws the Teddy bear into a bin]
Jackie: Good form.

Geoff: Yo, Dando.
Evan: Oh, what's up, Geoff?
Geoff: Oh, I'll tell you what's up. It just so happens that I don't like your stupid, handsome face or your super-talented guitar playing or your amazingly luscious hair!
Erica: What the hell is happening right now?
Barry: Geoff, a word. Love the energy, but your insults are coming off as compliments.
Geoff: Good note. Here I go again.

Barry: Hey, JTP.
All: JTP!
Barry: Everywhere I turn, I see canoodling and smooches. Enough already! Don't they know I'll never love again?
Andy: Just forget about Lainey, all right? Let the JTP be your Valentine.
Barry: It's just not the same.
Naked Rob: Oh, yeah? Check it! A stuffed croc ready to rock.
Barry: Dude, you guys just get me!
Geoff: And that's not all.
Barry: A grappling hook and Hubba Bubba Bubble Tape? Thanks, guys. I'm feeling better already.

Jackie: I know we agreed no gifts, but...
Adam: Teddy Ruxpin! Aww, I loved this little guy!
Jackie: Well, now I think you're gonna love him even more. [recording] Happy Valentine's Day, Addy! Don't mean to "em-bear-rass" you, but you're my honey! It's Jackie, by the way. Your girlfriend. Hope this isn't confusing.
Adam: Oh, my God, not at all! I mean, at first, I was like whaaaa? But now I'm like awwww!
Jackie: Teddy Ruxpin makes everything awesome.

Adam: Well, just you wait, 'cause I planned an even awesomer Valentine's week. It starts off tonight, when we make the most romantic food of all time.
Jackie: Pizza?
Adam: Indeed! And then Friday is the big night, when we go to a drive-in movie to see the most romantic film ever.
Jackie: "Twins"!
Adam: You know it!
Jackie: It's basically our story! But not at all!
Adam: Obviously!

Jackie: I'm thinking maybe we make pizza at my house?
Adam: Don't worry. This year, Valentine's is only about us.
[cut to:]
Beverly: You call that a crust, Jackie? Did you even work the dough? Ugh. Watch and learn.

Other Erica: Maybe we should just settle for the charming, old banjo man.
Geoff: Don't worry. There's still one person left. See, I was putting up a flyer at the Kremps' flower store, and I met this dude at the register. He's actually their nephew.
Erica: Pass.
Other Erica: Lame.
Geoff: But he's only there helping for the Valentine's rush. See, he's from Boston, he writes songs, and he's actually upstairs right now. Evan, they're ready!
Erica: Damn it, Geoff! I'm not gonna settle for someone's random, lame-ass nephew...
Other Erica: Oh, my God!
Erica: Hi.