TV Quotes

Barry: So, that's when Chris Columbo married Pocahontas and they feasted on corn. Or maize, named after its amazing taste after you add butter.

Barry: Y'alls about to get touched, Ninja Pilgrim style.

Barry: In conclusion, Thanksgiving.

Pops: How you doin', Ben?
Ben: You think you're better than me?

Beverly: Stop it. Everybody stop it. It's Thanks-[beep]-giving.

Pops: Normally, this holiday makes me think of the love of my life, my wife, Irene. But as I look around this table tonight, I realize we shouldn't dwell on the loves we've lost. Because there's more than enough love right here.
Beverly: Cheers.
Marvin: Hear-hear.
Ben: (Wiping tears away) Thinks he's better than us. That bastard.

Ben: I've watched you with your kids. You're, uh, not like me. You're a good father to them. Even to the weird one.
Murray: I don't know which one that is, but thank you.

Marvin: Also, your voice is weird.
Adam: It is. I'm hoping this isn't where it lands.
Marvin: Ha ha, that's the spirit.

Pops: Look, this is even better. I want you to take over the Thanksgiving toast. My grandfather passed it down to me, and now I pick you.
Barry: Ha! You have to keep a lame-ass family tradition alive.
Pops: You see, that's why I'm picking your sister, because she's the heart and soul of this family who'll keep this tradition alive.
Barry: Lies! I'm the heart, soul and deadly fists of this family, not her. I want to do it.

Barry: You're so dead! Saying words good is my specialness. To life!

Adam: Dad, I know you're swamped watching your big football contest. Go blue team!
Murray: I actually like the green team.
Adam: Fun stuff.

Adam: Hey, Dad, they just released a new Dungeons and Dragons module. Can you drive me to the hobby shop tonight?
Murray: I understood none of that, but I feel good saying no. I'm off to work.
Adam: Okay. But when you coming home, Dad, I don't know when. We'll get together then.
Murray: Damn. Let's just go now.

Barry: F is for family. A is for how awesome this family is. M is for "mmm, turkey". I is for my eyes, I get to see you all. L is for LL Cool J, who probably also celebrates Thanksgiving. Y, because he's American like us.

Beverly: What's going on?
Adam: Just some father/son bonding time.
Beverly: Tell me what you've done to him, or I'll make you go outside and play catch with your Dad on the lawn in front of the entire neighborhood.
Adam: No.
Beverly: And not with one of the soft nerf balls.
Adam: Not the hard white ones with the sowing on them.
Beverly: That's right. Baseballs.

Beverly: Play the song, get him to invite Pop-Pop to Thanksgiving so he can finally see what an amazing cook I am.
Adam: Isn't your thing, like, way more selfish than mine?
Beverly: Oh, yes! Now that man will eat my food and his words. And also family's important and stuff. There's a lesson in there. Figure it out. Gobble gobble.

Beverly: Adam, do your Jedi mind trick. Play the video and make people listen to you.

Erica: I mean, Barry's one of the biggest idiots of all time, but he gave the best speech this family's ever seen.
Barry: Yes! Ignoring the first part.

Pops: Give it a shot, Marv! I'm a little drunk.

Beverly: Oh, look, Murray, there's your father. What are the odds we'd run into him in a totally random grocery store?
Murray: You got a bag boy to tip you off, didn't you?
Beverly: So I have eyes everywhere. What, does that make me some kind of villain?

Murray: Nice seeing you, dad.
Ben: Eh, it was okay.

Beverly: This is not over. You invite that callous, hurtful man to Thanksgiving right now!

Murray: Ah, good. Another one of your half-baked schemes.
Marvin: Schemes? What schemes?
Murray: First you were breeding alpacas. Then you were selling alpaca wool. Then came alpaca burgers.
Marvin: What the hell was I supposed to do with a dozen dead alpacas? Regardless, those were all logical steps to chiroproctology. They reveal that to us at graduation.