Beverly: Maybe the ol' Bevernator can help you with your lady troubles.
Barry: Mom! Stop invading our privacy while we're invading Erica's privacy!

Barry: No. Last thing we need is for you to mom us up with corny mom advice.
Beverly: That is quite possibly the most hurtful thing you've ever said to me. I am so much more than just a mom. Now eat your prunes so you can get your tummy engine cookin'.
Barry: No prunes! They're just so wet.
Beverly: It's been four days, Barry. You need to make.
Barry: Mom. I'm fine.
Beverly: You know, Essie Karp's nephew's son held it in for that long, and then he got on a ferry to Nantucket.
Barry: I don't wanna hear this stupid mom story.
Beverly: They had to turn the boat around, Barry.
Barry: I don't care about Essie's nephew's son!
Beverly: A Coast Guard chopper was involved.
Barry: Mom.
Beverly: People were jumping into the ocean.
Barry: Mom!
Beverly: They had to decommission the boat.
Barry: Mom!
Beverly: Because he didn't eat his prunes.
Barry: I think you've proven my point.
Beverly: Well, suit yourself. But just know that the most attractive trait in a man is when he makes on schedule.

Beverly: Okay, see, that's the problem right there. This whole naked thing, Robert. Girls don't like it when you run up to them with no pants on.
Barry: Don't listen to her! Your nudity is your most redeeming quality.
Naked Rob: So you're saying if I get dressed in the morning and stay that way all day, then women will be less revolted by me?
Beverly: I'm not just saying it. I know it.

Beverly: Hey, Boofaloo.
Barry: [sighs] As much as it shocks me to say it, you're not just a big-haired, mom-shaped sweater lady.
Beverly: Hurtful, but continue.
Barry: You helped Rob, which means you're not only a mom. You could actually be a lady bro and help me get girls.
Beverly: Shut your delicious little face! You asked for my help.

Barry: I just wanted some advice on how to impress Jamie Weisman. I've already tried both aggressive rapping and casual flexing in a yellow tank top.
Beverly: Uh-huh. Have you considered something simpler?
Barry: You mean like eating an entire apple in one bite?
Beverly: Or. What if you just talk to her?
Barry: Like with a bullhorn?
Beverly: For now, just be yourself. That's all women really want. Sincerity.
Barry: Be sincere. So I speak with a British accent and wear a monocle?
Beverly: We'll get you there.

Mr. Glascott: Whoa, whoa. What am I looking at here?
Beverly: Just a boy who took my advice and is now chatting to his future girlfriend.
Mr. Glascott: Are you nuts?
Beverly: What? What's wrong?
Mr. Glascott: Jamie Weisman hangs with the no-good bleacher creatures. They spend every lunch under there smoking and listening to that awful ska music. And don't get me started on the truancy.
Beverly: Truancy? Well, that's a gateway to being late for everything in life!
Mr. Glascott: And the worst part is, they're always sassing off at the mouth, saying things like "[bleep] this school" and "[bleep] Mr. Glascott."
Beverly: Kids can't speak that way. This is un-[bleep]-believable.

Murray: You can come back to my store.
Marvin: I knew it! Sales have plunged since your top salesman left.
Murray: Sure. If that's what you want to hear.
Marvin: Oh, I want a lot more than that. I shall return to your employ should you meet the following demands. Demand number one. I want stock options. All of them.
Murray: We're not a public company, moron. There is no stock.
Marvin: I want 100 paid vacation days.
Murray: That's three months!
Marvin: I want my own parking spot.
Murray: No.
Marvin: Toilet.
Murray: No.
Marvin: Office.
Murray: No.
Marvin: And I'm going to change the name of the store to Marvin and Brother Furniture Place.
Murray: All right, forget I asked.

Beverly: Just leave the door open when you go. We need to air out the Drakkar stink.

Murray: Oh, God.
Formica Mike: I came to say "bravo." You pulled it off perfectly.
Murray: What- What- What are you talking about?
Formica Mike: Sabotage.
Murray: What?
Formica Mike: Sabotage!
Murray: What about it?
Formica Mike: [whispering] Sabotage.
Murray: Stop saying "sabotage"!

Formica Mike: You let me steal your brother knowing full well that he would destroy my store from the inside.
Murray: Ohh. What'd he do?
Formica Mike: First, he mistook the display toilet for "the real deal."
Murray: Oh, geez.
Formica Mike: Then he wants to rearrange the stock room. He loses control of the forklift. He pops three water beds. Now I gotta shut down because he flooded my showroom.
Murray: Formica Mike, listen to me. This isn't sabotage.
Formica Mike: That wasn't sabotage?
Murray: No. I'm not smart enough, and I know Marvin isn't.
Formica Mike: Okay. Then, first, I'm gonna fire the putz. Then I'm gonna make him pay for the water beds.
Murray: Don't do that. I'll pay for it.
Formica Mike: Why would you do that?
Murray: Because he really does mean well.
Formica Mike: You do know that that is the worst thing that you could say about a person?
Murray: Oh, I'm aware.