Geoff Schwartz Quotes Page 2 of 23
Quote from Geoff the Pleaser
Naked Rob: And you need to come over. Our clean-up skills are not strong.
Barry: I spilled a lot of Kool-Aid. Whatever you picture a lot is, like, way more.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] He mumbled and he moron-ed.
Geoff: [mumbles]
Barry: What?
Geoff: And also leave me alone, morons!
Matt: Super un-Geoff of you, man.
Erica: Are you going to get my mail or not?
Adult Adam: [v.o.] Finally, it was time for the pants.
Barry: Oh. It's about time he's swinging into action. [zipper opens] What?
Andy: No!
Naked Rob: Bad Geoff!
Matt: He's not wearing pants. Dude's clearly not going anywhere.
Andy: Okay, let's go, guys. Maybe there's a panted savior that can help us.
Geoff: Holy crap. My pants are on the floor, and my spirits are through the roof.
Quote from Pretty in Pink
Geoff: Thanks, hon. I needed a break from the hospital. There was a baby in the maternity ward that had a full head of black hair. Like a tiny anchorman. It was very unsettling.
Quote from Poker Night
Geoff: Hey, this is weird.
Erica: I thought you were going to Fort Lauderdale or something.
Geoff: Yeah, sure. I mean, I love sun and sand, but I'll probably just surf here. You know, hanging loose and hanging ten and all the other hangings.
Lainey: You surf now?
Geoff: I'm sort of a big wave chaser.
Lainey: Haven't seen you in a while, so I guess anything's possible.
Geoff: Cowabunga and whatnot.
Quote from The Proposal
Geoff: Beautiful.
Erica: Sure, the ocean. It has a lot of fans.
Geoff: I'm not talking about where I am. I'm talking about who I'm with.
Erica: I'm sorry. I thought this weekend was gonna be just us. You know, special.
Geoff: Well, I think it still can be.
[Geoff gets down on one knee and holds up the engagement ring]
Erica: Oh, my God, really?
Geoff: Yeah, really.
Erica: I-I don't even know what to do or say. I... Should I kneel, too?
Geoff: You're perfect. I got this.
Erica: Yeah, you do.
Geoff: When I first had a crush on you, I was just an anxious ball of nerves who could barely say a word. But now, I know exactly what I want.
Erica: Is it me? Please say that it's me.
Geoff: Erica Goldberg... will you marry me?
Erica: Oh, hell, yes!
[After Geoff and Erica kiss, they realize they're surrounded by their families and friends]
Beverly: In our defense, we're so happy for you! [all cheer]
Adult Adam: [v.o.] It had been a crazy year for Erica and Geoff, but in the end, it was all worth it, and it seemed only fitting that they got to share the occasion with pretty much everyone they knew.
Quote from Horse Play
Erica: Not only am I wrongly blamed for putting your father's porcelain horses in unspeakable positions, but worse, you thought I did it.
Geoff: Well, in my defense, I actually kind of liked that you did it.
Erica: What are you saying right now?
Geoff: I'm saying I like bad girls. Like Olivia Newton-John in Grease, when she was pretending to be someone she wasn't. Ooh-la-la.
Erica: Oh, my God. You don't even know what a bad girl is.
Quote from A Light Thanksgiving Nosh
Geoff: What's up, Mom?
Beverly: Ooh, yeah, that still doesn't feel right.
Mr. Glascott: It's wildly uncomfortable for everyone involved.
Geoff: There's got to be something that speaks to our closeness. [montage] Mee-maw? Mamacita? Mommers? Mommaroony? Mumsy? Mama-lou? Queen Mother? Mamasaurus Rex? Mother Superior? Bahama Mama? The Bev Train? Choo-choo. Big Mama? She's a fine Mama-Jama? Ooh, how about just "Beverly"?
Beverly: Sorry. None of these are working.
Geoff: But, Mrs. Goldberg...
Beverly: Bup-bup! That's the one.
Quote from A Peck of Familial Love
Geoff: How would it feel if I did an impersonation of your mom? [as Beverly] "Schmoopie-poopies! I made you in my body, and I can't get enough snuggies and huggies!"
Beverly: Hello, Geoffrey.
Geoff: Aah!
Beverly: You think the affection I have for my children is something to be mocked?
Barry: What's your problem, dude?
Erica: Not cool. That's our mom.
Quote from Adam Graduates!
Geoff: Done. Check it. "Dear Mr. and Mrs. Schneider, thank you for the set of Egyptian cotton sheets. We will think of you every time we climb into bed together."
Erica: Roll it back in your head, babe.
Geoff: Oh, no, I'm an unintentionally naughty boy.
Erica: While you're at it, you might want to take another crack at the one for the Rosens about the espresso machine and how much fun we'll have grinding every morning?
Geoff: Aw.
Quote from Adam Graduates!
Geoff: Surprise! You're all packed.
Erica: Wow, look at you. Ready to get rid of me.
Geoff: No, but I bet you'll never guess where all your underwear is.
Erica: Is it stuffed in my shoes?
Geoff: Yeah, it's the patented Schwartz space saver. And don't forget to layer up, because Europe has seven different climates.
Quote from That's a Schwartz Man
Adult Adam: It was September 28th, 1980-something, and Erica and Geoff were crossing an important milestone.
They were about to learn the sex of their baby.
Geoff: This is so exciting. And it's not that I'm rooting for it to be a girl, but I could really use a break from all the mohel interviews.
Erica: I think I'm nervous.
Geoff: I know your mom just wants to find the right guy, but a dozen in-depth discussions about ritual circumcision seems like too many.
Erica: Of course, your pacing isn't helping.
Geoff: She also says "penis" and "foreskin" way more than is necessary. Like, we all get the procedure.