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Fiddler

‘Fiddler’

Season 6, Episode 6 - Aired October 31, 2018

When the school stages a production of Fiddler on the Roof, for once Adam is not interested in a starring role, but Murray is determined he should get the role of Tevye. Meanwhile, Beverly insists she won't stand in Erica's way when her daughter announces her intention to move to California with Geoff.

Quote from Murray

Miss Cinoman: Mr. Goldberg, if you're gonna watch rehearsal, you have to respect my stage.
Murray: Sure. It's your team. Manage it.
Miss Cinoman: All right. Take it from the top, Matthew, all right? Be Tevye. Feel the burden of the humble dairyman with five handsome daughters.
Murray: Bah!
Miss Cinoman: Mr. Goldberg! I'm sorry. I don't buy this kid having five daughters. Do you?
Miss Cinoman: Yes. I buy it enough. C'mon, the kid's a tomato can. Can't hit the broad side of his mark.
Matt Schernecke: This adult man is hurting my feelings.
Murray: Sack up, Schernecke. You gotta have thick skin if you want to make it in the big show.

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Quote from Murray

Miss Cinoman: Adam, is your dad gonna be here the whole time?
Adam: I don't know, man. He took the week off work. The whole thing's been off the rails from the start.
Murray: I just want my kid to have a shot at the bigs.
Miss Cinoman: Fine. If you pipe down, I'll make him the understudy for Tevye. Does that work for you?
Adam: So that means I'll have no lines and get to just hang in the wings? 'Cause yeah, that super works.
Murray: Whoo! It's on now! You better watch your back, fake Tevye. 'Cause we're comin' for ya.
Adam: Dad, stop making veiled threats to Matt Schernecke.
Matt Schernecke: They're kind of not veiled at all.
Adam: I'm so sorry.

Quote from Pops

Erica: Hello and welcome, product lovers of all ages. Prepare to be delighted by my delightful jingle medley.
Pops: I'm already delighted, but I'm prepared for more.
Erica: [singing] The best part of waking up is Folgers in your- Plop-plop, fizz-fizz, oh, what a relief- Honeycomb's big, yeah, yeah, yeah. Gimme a break, gimme a break- What would you do-oo-ooh for- An Oscar Mayer wiener- By Mennen! Mommy, wow, I'm a big kid- Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow.
Pops: Wow! I don't know what half of those are selling, but I'm buying.

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: Got some bad news from cousin Marci last night.
Pops: Just out of the blue like that? You haven't talked in 15 years.
Beverly: Yeah, well, I've been missing her. And it's a good thing I called, too, because she told me that, for legal reasons, she can't listen to jingles from existing products.
Erica: But I worked so hard on these. I was gonna mail her a tape.
Beverly: No! No, you can't. It has to do with, uh, torts and briefs and subpoenas. I could've been a lawyer, so it made sense to me.

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: Good news she told me about some, uh new products that have yet to be jingled.
Erica: Name it, and I'll sing it. Hit me.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] Even though my mom swore she changed, in the end, she couldn't help but lie.
Beverly: Dr. Steinman's Butt Grease.
Pops: I'm very curious about this product.
Beverly: Dr. Steinman's a very respected tushie surgeon. He developed the healing ointment himself, and now he's sharing it with the world.
Erica: Steinman, I got to sing that? It's not so easy on the ear.
Beverly: It's not great. But yet, the next one is even worse. Barnaby's Baltic Sea Juice.
Pops: I don't want that product.
Beverly: There's more. Magellan's Ol' Fashioned Year Round Nog for people who want eggnog, but not just at Christmas.
Pops: I'd like a good 'nog in the summer.

Quote from Murray

Adult Adam: [v.o.] When Matt's dad heard I got the understudy, he came to check out the competition.
Mr. Schernecke: Come on there, Matty boy. Just how we practiced.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] Turns out the only thing worse than one sports dad is two. First, they cheered.
Murray: Come on, AG! Come on, now! Let's go.
Mr. Schernecke: Go big or go home, Matty boy. Look alive!
Adult Adam: [v.o.] Then, they bragged.
Mr. Schernecke: My son is a five-tool player. He sings, dances, acts, juggles, and mimes.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] Next came the insults.
Murray: Give it a rest, Schernecke. Your kid's no Tevye. That wheelbarrow's got more charisma.

Quote from Murray

Murray: There you are, AG. Come on, you got the call. You're goin' in.
Adam: [hoarsely] Bad news. Lost my voice. Whatcha gonna do?
Murray: Hydrate it. Suck on a lozenge. Get back out there!

Quote from Murray

Adam: Okay, what am I looking at?
Murray: Me.
Adam: You were in "Fiddler"?
Murray: I played Tevye. I only auditioned because my dad loved the play.
Adam: But Pop-Pop hates everything.
Murray: Not this. He was so proud. He would sit in the front row every night. And for the first time, I felt close to the guy, you know?
Adam: So that's why this means so much to you?
Murray: I know it's stupid. But I just wanted us to have the same thing I had with my dad.

Quote from Murray

Adam: I'll audition to be in the chorus or something.
Murray: Absolutely not! In my house, it's Tevye or nothing.
Adam: I don't want to be the lead!
Murray: You're gonna be Tevye, damn it! Now put on my grandfather's old Russian coat and sing for me.
Adam: It's so heavy.
Murray: Like the weight of a man with too many daughters.
Adam: How do I already smell? How?
Murray: That's the smell of greatness. Now show me your shimmy.
Adam: I don't wanna shimmy.
Murray: Shimmy for your father, damn it. Like this. It's in our blood and our shoulders.
Adam: [sighs]
Murray: If that's how you shimmy, damn it, we got to go back to fundamentals. Come on, put your game face on. Do it!

Quote from Barry

Barry: What's going on in here?
Murray: Not now, Barry. Adam's form is off. I got to coach some sense into the kid.
Barry: Sounds to me like a father demanding perfection and telling his son he's not good enough.
Adam: That's exactly what's happening.
Barry: Damn it, I want that!
Adam: Why?
Barry: 'Cause it's my dream to have a sports dad who spazzes out in the stands and calls me a lazy failure who needs to play harder.
Adam: Great. He's yours. Take him.
Murray: Oh, no. If we're gonna win this part, we got to buckle down and dig in.
Barry: Fine, forget sports! Whatever your dumb thing is, I'll do it.
Adam: It's "Fiddler on the Roof."
Barry: Great. I'll go on the roof right now with a fiddle.
Murray: You don't even have one!
Barry: I'm gonna go bongo on the roof. Where's the ladder?
Murray: Do not get the ladder.
Barry: Ladder it is.
Murray: Do not go in that garage and touch my ladder, moron! I mean it!
Barry: Too late, theater sports dad. I'll send a rope down for my bongos.

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