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46Quotes from ‘Eight-bit Goldbergs’

The Goldbergs: Eight-bit Goldbergs

619. Eight-bit Goldbergs

Aired March 20, 2019

Barry and Erica complain when Adam makes a video game featuring the Goldberg family. Meanwhile, Beverly enlists Bill's help to put a stop to Pops' out-of-control gambling.

Quote from Barry

Barry: What the crap? That looks like a computer version of me!
Adam: Really? I don't see it.
Barry: It's says my name right there! Dude! You can't make a game about me without express written consent!

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Quote from Adam

Adam: Well, there's always a main hero, like Mario here. And see those hammers? Those are like power-ups.
Beverly: Schmoo, take your Flintstones vitamin so you can grow big and strong like Bamm-Bamm.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] Eating my own power-up made me realize I didn't have to look very far for inspiration.
Murray: I'm home!
Adam: Wait, that's it! We'll make the game about my insane family.
Dave Kim: And that's entertaining how?
Murray: I had a good day! Don't anybody spoil it by talking to me!
Adam: See? Every good game has a big snorting boss who stomps around making everyone miserable! And we need stuff for our hero to dodge, like barrels and fire and dopey wandering henchmen. [Barry punches Adam] Owww-why?
Barry: 'Cause maybe I want to sit in that chair at some point today!
[Erica plays notes on the keyboard]
Adult Adam: [v.o.] My game was writing itself. I even got an annoying video game theme song, thanks to my aimless sister.
Erica: Wait. That's it! I got my hit song! Banana, banana Banana, banana Ba-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na. That sucks.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] Yep, the Goldbergs would become an actual computer game. But was the world ready?
Murray: Bevy! I forgot to take my shoes off, and now they're stuck! Damn it, I'm pants-trapped again!
Adam: Eh, we'll tone it down for America, make 'em more likable.

Quote from Bill Lewis

Bill Lewis: Mm. That lucky bastard! I'll tell ya, if I was an older lady, I wouldn't mind spending a little time with him.
Beverly: This is a nightmare.
Bill Lewis: Relax. I said if I was a lady.
Beverly: No. I'm talking about my dad's gambling. He just tried to borrow money from Bill, of all people.
Bill Lewis: Oh, Lord, she's right. I'm not the person you ask for money. My net worth is seven.

Quote from Adam

Adam: So, it's like Leisure Suit Larry, where you walk around and do funny stuff, but in our game, it's about having a crazy family like mine. For example, the overbearing smother. She's there for every waking hour, and the sleeping ones, too. Then there's a pants-less dad. He only gets out of his chair if you touch the thermostat. And Pops, the wise, old grandfather who guides you through this crazy world with questionable advice.
Mr. Goulding: [flatly] Wow. This is an incredibly skilled graphic. I'm proud of you.
Adam: Are you? Is he?
Mr. Goulding: Good luck. I hope your family will be okay with you openly mocking them for the sake of comedy.
Adam: Trust me, I've been videotaping them my whole life and they don't even notice.

Quote from Barry

Adam: This game isn't just about you. See? It's about our whole family. See? There's computer Dad in his computer underpants.
Barry: Dad! Adam put you in his stupid game, and all you do is sit in your chair and call us morons!
Murray: Just let me sit in my chair in peace, moron!
Adam: See? It's all in good fun. Check out the Erica bonus level. You throw rotten tomatoes at her as she busks.
If you get enough direct hits, she stops singing and goes back to college.
Barry: [chuckling] Oh, man. Erica's garbage. Now, this one you totally nailed, bro.

Quote from Adam

Brian Corbett: Look! It's that lazy-eyed spaz who can't catch a baseball from the Goldbergs game.
Adam: Yep, that's me.
JC Spink: Yo, do you really run all the way home to poop 'cause you can't do it at school, just like in the game?
Adam: Sadly, that's all real.
Brian Corbett: It's embarrassing but relatable. I'm rooting for you, bro.
Adam: You really don't have to.
JC Spink: Yo, I got a question. Why did you turn Erica into Eric? You're a liar.
Brian Corbett: Also, why's it always sunny in the game even though it's winter?
JC Spink: Dates in general are all wrong, and I hate it! Do it better, or we'll kick your ass!
Adam: Guys, it's just a dumb game! It wasn't supposed to matter this much to anyone.

Quote from Naked Rob

Barry: Hey, bro! Me and the JTP have been playing your game and we got a butt load of notes.
Adam: No. No more notes.
Naked Rob: But you made me shirtless in the game. I'm not Shirtless Rob. I'm Naked Rob. Take off my computer pants right now.

Quote from Pops

Adult Adam: [v.o.] While I was under attack from my critics, Lucky Al's gambling odds were growing worse.
Pops: My gut's telling me Drexel beats North Carolina. I'll bet a C note. $200 on Miss Alaska. It's about time someone up there wins, huh? $100 on the ugly poodle to win at the Westminster Dog Show. I know sumo wrestlers are supposed to be Japanese, but I just have a feeling about this Swedish gal. Lotta good horses running today, but I'm gonna take $100 on Last But Not Least.
Beverly: Okay, stop. Just stop. Why would you bet on a horse with that name?
Pops: 'Cause it's a crazy long shot! She just gave birth and she doesn't take water, but I got a feeling.

Quote from Murray

Adam: No! I'm done writing about this crazy family! Game over!
Murray: Wait, are you talking about your computer game? If you're making changes, make Geoffina less annoying.
Adam: Aw, man. I don't wanna hear crap from you, too.
Murray: Crap? It's good stuff!
Erica: Good? All computer-you does is watch TV in your chair and scream about the thermostat.
Murray: Classic Mur!
Barry: My God. How are you okay with that?
Murray: Because it's funny! Why is everyone so damn sensitive?

Quote from Murray

Erica: Writing about Barry's spazzy run is one thing, but that game strongly implies that I'm a sad train wreck!
Murray: You are.
Barry: Ha! It's true.
Murray: And that's exactly how you run.
Erica: Ha! So hilariously accurate.
Murray: Hey! Don't listen to these morons. You keep going with that game. It's the best thing you've ever made.
Adam: Wow. You're really okay with this?
Murray: Yeah! I'm okay with it. Because it's done with love.

Quote from Adam

[Erica plays notes on the keyboard]
Adult Adam: [v.o.] My game was writing itself. I even got an annoying video game theme song, thanks to my aimless sister.
Erica: Wait. That's it! I got my hit song! Banana, banana Banana, banana Ba-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na. That sucks.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] Yep, the Goldbergs would become an actual computer game. But was the world ready?
Murray: Bevy! I forgot to take my shoes off, and now they're stuck! Damn it, I'm pants-trapped again!
Adam: Eh, we'll tone it down for America, make 'em more likable.

Quote from Adam

Adult Adam: [v.o.] Ah, the computers of the '80s. Cutting-edge machines with badass games like Oregon Trail and Castle Wolfenstein. The graphics were state-of-the-art and mind-blowing. I got so obsessed with computer games, I even turned to the black market.
Adam: Psst, Atkins. Word in the halls is you got the hookup.
Johnny Atkins: Damn straight. I got bootleg copies of Congo Bongo, Zork, and the holy grail of video games.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] And there it was, the one computer game that every teenage dude in the '80s dreamed of playing.
Adam: Leisure Suit Larry. The most coveted floppy known to boykind.
Johnny Atkins: This game's got booze, babes, and bawdy bedroom situations.
Adam: I'm tantalized but terrified.
Johnny Atkins: You should be. We could go to jail in all 54 states just for playing it. And it's yours for 500 bucks.
Adam: I've got five bucks and a gently used Ring Pop.
Johnny Atkins: Deal.

Quote from Adam

Adult Adam: [v.o.] And so I spent the next 28 hours guiding Leisure Suit Larry to the promised land.
Adam: This is it! Larry's finally gonna get lucky.
Dave Kim: When we started this game, we were mere boys. But we're about to become men! - (MOUSE CLICKS) Adam: ["The Stars and Stripes Forever" plays] Fireworks? Where's the naughty stuff? I traded a used Ring Pop for this.
Dave Kim: I'm back to being a boy again! Which, honestly, is fine. I wasn't ready.
Adam: Anyone here wondering where in the world Carmen Sandiego is?

Quote from Adam

Mr. Goulding: [flatly] Now we hit the "enter" key and enjoy what the last hour of programming has brought us. And... Wow. I know, it's truly exciting. Now it's your turn. Your final project will be designing your own computer game.
Dave Kim: Did he just say something interesting?
Adam: I can't tell 'cause his voice sounds like a robot designed to put other robots to sleep.

Quote from Dave Kim

Jackie: Let's break it down. What do all the best video games have?
Dave Kim: This is so hard. Creativity isn't valued in my household.

Quote from Murray

Murray: Bevy, the only thing your dad cares about more than gambling is doing what he's told not to do. Let him go to the casino.
Beverly: Wait, that's it! When he does, we'll trail him and catch him losing big, and then he'll have to admit he's got a problem. Good idea, Mur.
Murray: On your way back, fill my car up with some gas. Thank you.
Beverly: Fine. Bill will help me spy on my father.
Bill Lewis: Wha? No, no, no. I just came over for some salsa. Mur, say something.
Murray: Get me a funnel cake. I love funnel cakes.

Quote from Bill Lewis

Adult Adam: [v.o.] And so my mom dragged Bill to Atlantic City to see just how lucky Lucky Al really was. Turns out, the old guy still had it.
Bill Lewis: Hot dog. You're wrong, Bev. The man's as lucky as ever. Nope. He's betting his watch. You're right. He's a degenerate.

Quote from Erica

Erica: Nailed what about me? What! Tell me now!
A;Sister Erica, how would you like to be in a state-of-the-art computer game?
Erica: No! Take me out of that, or I'll punch your lazy eye straight!

Quote from Barry

Barry: Well, looks like it's game over.
Adam: Or is it? With just a few clicks, it's goodbye, sister Erica, and hello, brother Eric.
Barry: If that's an option, then change me, too!
Adam: What's to change? You're perfect.
Barry: I know that. But the game says otherwise. Look at that spaz run computer-me is doing. I do not run like that!
Adam: Yeeeaaah, except that you do.
Barry: No, I don't! Make me stop!
Adam: You're just making him run faster.
Barry: Then I refuse to grant you the rights to my likeness forever.
Adam: That's the run right there. How does he not see it?

Quote from Pops

Pops: Hey, Pumpkin! Guess who just cleaned out the Tropicana again?
Beverly: Dad, your luck is incredible. I just wish there was a way for you to win more without schlepping all the way to A.C.
Bill Lewis: I wish, too, for this. Yes.
Beverly: You mean my dad should start placing all his bets with your great, new bookie Bettin' Joe?
Pops: He sounds great! $100 on a six-team parlay Jets, Lions, Bucs, Saints, Oilers, and Packers.
Bill Lewis: There you go! If you're gonna bet six teams, they might as well be the worst.

Quote from Adam

Erica: Turn it down, dork. I'm writing music in my head with my eyes closed, and you're distracting me.
Adam: Oh I like it. That's good.
Erica: Hey, did you just type in what I said?
Adam: Nope! You have nothing to do with this game whatsoever.
Erica: Really? Then what's that?
Adam: Just a random sweat-pants-wearing couch potato named Eric who thinks he's gonna be a rock star.
Erica: Huh, what a dipwad.

Quote from Barry

Barry: Dude! You're still making that game? I told you no Barry unless he runs as fast as Carl Lewis!
Adam: Fine! I'll make you Carl Lewis! Is that all?
Barry: Actually, I do have a few more tiny, massive demands. You made computer Barry a friendless loser, which means you must add in the JTP.
Adam: That's four more characters to design.
Barry: Only three. I'm sending a super clear but hidden message to Matt Bradley.

Quote from Adam

Adam: Your demands are insane! The whole point is to make a game about me and my actual family!
Barry: Oh, really? So this is you in real life, a hunky hero with six-pack abs? My final demand! You must re-nerdify computer Adam in the spirit of honesty.
Adam: Look, even if I want to make these incredibly stupid changes, my creative team will never approve it!
[cut to:]
Adult Adam: [v.o.] And yet, they jumped at the opportunity.
Adam: Aw, man, are you kidding me? You actually listened to this butt clown?
Dave Kim: Barry's creative direction of the main character just made sense.
Adam: You monster! How dare you force me to face the reality of what I am!

Quote from Barry

Andy: And you gotta make me taller! It's like the one defining thing in the game is that I'm short, but there's so much more to me!
Matt: Also, why am I not in the game at all? I am deeply hurt.
Barry: [gasps] Why isn't he in the game, Adam? I demand you put him in right now! [spits]

Quote from Pops

Bill Lewis: Maybe I don't understand your plan at all, but your dad doesn't seem to be learning a damn thing.
Beverly: Patience, Bill.
Beverly: This is all gonna be over soon, 'cause there's no way in hell that mama horse is gonna win.
[cut to:]
Announcer: [on TV] And in an upset for the ages, it's Last But Not Least by a nose!
Pops: I did it! Who's the big winner now [bleep]?

Quote from Pops

Pops: Bill, call your bookie. Tell him I want my cash in small bills, easier to fill the bathtub!
Beverly: Mmmm, you can't do that because money's filthy. And secondly, you'd need at least $1,000 to fill the tub.
Pops: Good, 'cause I won $30,000.
Beverly: Dollars? How is that even possible?
Bill Lewis: That's what happens when a dehydrated horse that just had a C-section wins. Somebody gets paid.
Pops: And I'm somebody! Ah-ha!

Quote from Erica

[Erica punches Adam]
Adam: Ow! All I did was come home!
Erica: How the hell could you not put me in your game?
Adam: You said if I did, you'd fix my lazy eye with punches!
Erica: That was before I knew it was gonna be popular. If you had said, "Erica, "do you want to be in my popular computer game?" I would've said, "Yeah. Whatever, maybe."
Adam: Trust me, you should be happy you're not in it.
Erica: Happy? If this game becomes the next Leisure Suit Larry, this whole family is gonna be rich and famous except for me. And I'm the one who loves money and fame. It's my thing.

Quote from Adam

Geoff: Babe, I just beat level five by convincing Eric to actually take a shower, get dressed, and interview for a real job instead of wanting to be a rock star.
Erica: Not now, babe. I'm busy yelling at Adam for not putting me in his game.
Geoff: What do you mean? Clearly, you're Eric.
Erica: No, he's a guy. And a lazy, couch-surfing, wannabe rock star... [gasps] You bastard!
Adam: No, no, no. You are not in any way Erica. I give you my word, Eric!
Geoff: You just called Erica "Eric," as if they're the same person.
Adam: Damn it, Geoff! I know I did!

Quote from Geoff

Erica: I am insulted and angry and very hurt! And I demand that you scrap this pathetic Eric character and put in lovable, ambitious, multi-talented Erica!
Adam: It's too late! The game's out there! People really dig Eric!
Geoff: Oh, I sure do. Although I do feel bad for his girlfriend, Geoffina. She just kind of dotes on Eric and gets all bossed around and... Oh, am I Geoffina?
Erica: This isn't about you, Geoffina. And if you want to be helpful, go get me a soda.
Geoff: In the game or in real life?
Erica: Both!
Geoff: Okay.

Quote from Bill Lewis

Beverly: So, the way I see it, we have only one option Call your real bookie, bet a ton of money on a bunch of other crazy long shots, and win the 30 grand ourselves.
Bill Lewis: But what if we lose?
Beverly: Well, we'll just keep betting more and more until we're back on top.
Bill Lewis: Then we are the ones with the gambling problem!

Quote from Pops

Adult Adam: [v.o.] If Pops was gonna come clean, so would my mom. Or not.
Beverly: Damn it, Bill! Give the man his money!
Bill Lewis: What? You know I can't do that!
Pops: You stiffing me, Bill?
Bill Lewis: Uh, n-no, no, sir!
Pops: I will leap over this railing and come at you hard, son.
Beverly: Do not leap over the railing!
Bill Lewis: Don't leap over the rail!
Pops: Then give me my money, man. I don't play when it comes to my cash.

Quote from Pops

Beverly: Dad, stop terrorizing Bill. He's good for the money.
Bill Lewis: Wow! I just picked up the phone to call my real bookie, and he's already on the line! What's that? Yep, he's got the money.
Pops: Well, then, let's celebrate! Get on your glad rags, 'cause surf and turf's on Lucky Al! Ah-ha!

Quote from Barry

Adam: Good news. I trashed every copy of the game so you don't have to worry about being Eric.
Erica: Or you keep Eric, but change him to Erica and make her a budding rock goddess.
Barry: No one cares about Eric's lame music career! I have more notes on Big Tasty, mainly that you include that nickname as much as possible.

Quote from Beverly

Pops: I'm really gonna miss those high-roller comps.
Beverly: Dad, you're comped here every night.
Pops: I know. It's just I thought I was different from everyone else. I thought I was lucky.
Beverly: You are! You have us. And we have you. And that makes us pretty lucky, too.

Quote from Adam

Adam: Okay, I just programmed a new level in The Goldberg Game.
Mr. Goulding: Your grade is a C-plus, Mr. Goldberg. I found the characters to be unlikable cartoonish stereotypes.
Adam: But it's a good game! So good, in fact, that I know there can be, like, t-shirts and action figures and spin-offs. This could be bigger than Star Wars!
Mr. Goulding: Star what?
Adam: How do you not know Star Wars? It's the greatest film franchise ever made.
Mr. Goulding: Well, that's your opinion.
Adam: Rent Return of the Jedi see for yourself.
Mr. Goulding: I only see movies in the theater.
Adam: Fine, I'll take you to see the Star Wars prequel George Lucas has been talking about.
Mr. Goulding: Is it out now?
Adam: No. But he's been promising to make it forever, so it'll be any day now.
Mr. Goulding: If I change your grade to a B-minus, will you go away?
Adam: Good day, sir.


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