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‘Eight-bit Goldbergs’ Quotes Page 1 of 3

The Goldbergs: Eight-bit Goldbergs

619. Eight-bit Goldbergs

Aired March 20, 2019

Barry and Erica complain when Adam makes a video game featuring the Goldberg family. Meanwhile, Beverly enlists Bill's help to put a stop to Pops' out-of-control gambling.

Quote from Barry

Barry: What the crap? That looks like a computer version of me!
Adam: Really? I don't see it.
Barry: It's says my name right there! Dude! You can't make a game about me without express written consent!

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Quote from Adam

Adam: Well, there's always a main hero, like Mario here. And see those hammers? Those are like power-ups.
Beverly: Schmoo, take your Flintstones vitamin so you can grow big and strong like Bamm-Bamm.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] Eating my own power-up made me realize I didn't have to look very far for inspiration.
Murray: I'm home!
Adam: Wait, that's it! We'll make the game about my insane family.
Dave Kim: And that's entertaining how?
Murray: I had a good day! Don't anybody spoil it by talking to me!
Adam: See? Every good game has a big snorting boss who stomps around making everyone miserable! And we need stuff for our hero to dodge, like barrels and fire and dopey wandering henchmen. [Barry punches Adam] Owww-why?
Barry: 'Cause maybe I want to sit in that chair at some point today!
[Erica plays notes on the keyboard]
Adult Adam: [v.o.] My game was writing itself. I even got an annoying video game theme song, thanks to my aimless sister.
Erica: Wait. That's it! I got my hit song! Banana, banana Banana, banana Ba-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na. That sucks.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] Yep, the Goldbergs would become an actual computer game. But was the world ready?
Murray: Bevy! I forgot to take my shoes off, and now they're stuck! Damn it, I'm pants-trapped again!
Adam: Eh, we'll tone it down for America, make 'em more likable.

Quote from Bill Lewis

Bill Lewis: Mm. That lucky bastard! I'll tell ya, if I was an older lady, I wouldn't mind spending a little time with him.
Beverly: This is a nightmare.
Bill Lewis: Relax. I said if I was a lady.
Beverly: No. I'm talking about my dad's gambling. He just tried to borrow money from Bill, of all people.
Bill Lewis: Oh, Lord, she's right. I'm not the person you ask for money. My net worth is seven.

Quote from Adam

Adam: So, it's like Leisure Suit Larry, where you walk around and do funny stuff, but in our game, it's about having a crazy family like mine. For example, the overbearing smother. She's there for every waking hour, and the sleeping ones, too. Then there's a pants-less dad. He only gets out of his chair if you touch the thermostat. And Pops, the wise, old grandfather who guides you through this crazy world with questionable advice.
Mr. Goulding: [flatly] Wow. This is an incredibly skilled graphic. I'm proud of you.
Adam: Are you? Is he?
Mr. Goulding: Good luck. I hope your family will be okay with you openly mocking them for the sake of comedy.
Adam: Trust me, I've been videotaping them my whole life and they don't even notice.

Quote from Barry

Adam: This game isn't just about you. See? It's about our whole family. See? There's computer Dad in his computer underpants.
Barry: Dad! Adam put you in his stupid game, and all you do is sit in your chair and call us morons!
Murray: Just let me sit in my chair in peace, moron!
Adam: See? It's all in good fun. Check out the Erica bonus level. You throw rotten tomatoes at her as she busks.
If you get enough direct hits, she stops singing and goes back to college.
Barry: [chuckling] Oh, man. Erica's garbage. Now, this one you totally nailed, bro.

Quote from Adam

Brian Corbett: Look! It's that lazy-eyed spaz who can't catch a baseball from the Goldbergs game.
Adam: Yep, that's me.
JC Spink: Yo, do you really run all the way home to poop 'cause you can't do it at school, just like in the game?
Adam: Sadly, that's all real.
Brian Corbett: It's embarrassing but relatable. I'm rooting for you, bro.
Adam: You really don't have to.
JC Spink: Yo, I got a question. Why did you turn Erica into Eric? You're a liar.
Brian Corbett: Also, why's it always sunny in the game even though it's winter?
JC Spink: Dates in general are all wrong, and I hate it! Do it better, or we'll kick your ass!
Adam: Guys, it's just a dumb game! It wasn't supposed to matter this much to anyone.

Quote from Naked Rob

Barry: Hey, bro! Me and the JTP have been playing your game and we got a butt load of notes.
Adam: No. No more notes.
Naked Rob: But you made me shirtless in the game. I'm not Shirtless Rob. I'm Naked Rob. Take off my computer pants right now.

Quote from Pops

Adult Adam: [v.o.] While I was under attack from my critics, Lucky Al's gambling odds were growing worse.
Pops: My gut's telling me Drexel beats North Carolina. I'll bet a C note. $200 on Miss Alaska. It's about time someone up there wins, huh? $100 on the ugly poodle to win at the Westminster Dog Show. I know sumo wrestlers are supposed to be Japanese, but I just have a feeling about this Swedish gal. Lotta good horses running today, but I'm gonna take $100 on Last But Not Least.
Beverly: Okay, stop. Just stop. Why would you bet on a horse with that name?
Pops: 'Cause it's a crazy long shot! She just gave birth and she doesn't take water, but I got a feeling.

Quote from Murray

Adam: No! I'm done writing about this crazy family! Game over!
Murray: Wait, are you talking about your computer game? If you're making changes, make Geoffina less annoying.
Adam: Aw, man. I don't wanna hear crap from you, too.
Murray: Crap? It's good stuff!
Erica: Good? All computer-you does is watch TV in your chair and scream about the thermostat.
Murray: Classic Mur!
Barry: My God. How are you okay with that?
Murray: Because it's funny! Why is everyone so damn sensitive?

Quote from Murray

Erica: Writing about Barry's spazzy run is one thing, but that game strongly implies that I'm a sad train wreck!
Murray: You are.
Barry: Ha! It's true.
Murray: And that's exactly how you run.
Erica: Ha! So hilariously accurate.
Murray: Hey! Don't listen to these morons. You keep going with that game. It's the best thing you've ever made.
Adam: Wow. You're really okay with this?
Murray: Yeah! I'm okay with it. Because it's done with love.

Quote from Adam

[Erica plays notes on the keyboard]
Adult Adam: [v.o.] My game was writing itself. I even got an annoying video game theme song, thanks to my aimless sister.
Erica: Wait. That's it! I got my hit song! Banana, banana Banana, banana Ba-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na. That sucks.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] Yep, the Goldbergs would become an actual computer game. But was the world ready?
Murray: Bevy! I forgot to take my shoes off, and now they're stuck! Damn it, I'm pants-trapped again!
Adam: Eh, we'll tone it down for America, make 'em more likable.

Quote from Adam

Adult Adam: [v.o.] Ah, the computers of the '80s. Cutting-edge machines with badass games like Oregon Trail and Castle Wolfenstein. The graphics were state-of-the-art and mind-blowing. I got so obsessed with computer games, I even turned to the black market.
Adam: Psst, Atkins. Word in the halls is you got the hookup.
Johnny Atkins: Damn straight. I got bootleg copies of Congo Bongo, Zork, and the holy grail of video games.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] And there it was, the one computer game that every teenage dude in the '80s dreamed of playing.
Adam: Leisure Suit Larry. The most coveted floppy known to boykind.
Johnny Atkins: This game's got booze, babes, and bawdy bedroom situations.
Adam: I'm tantalized but terrified.
Johnny Atkins: You should be. We could go to jail in all 54 states just for playing it. And it's yours for 500 bucks.
Adam: I've got five bucks and a gently used Ring Pop.
Johnny Atkins: Deal.

Quote from Adam

Adult Adam: [v.o.] And so I spent the next 28 hours guiding Leisure Suit Larry to the promised land.
Adam: This is it! Larry's finally gonna get lucky.
Dave Kim: When we started this game, we were mere boys. But we're about to become men! - (MOUSE CLICKS) Adam: ["The Stars and Stripes Forever" plays] Fireworks? Where's the naughty stuff? I traded a used Ring Pop for this.
Dave Kim: I'm back to being a boy again! Which, honestly, is fine. I wasn't ready.
Adam: Anyone here wondering where in the world Carmen Sandiego is?

Quote from Adam

Mr. Goulding: [flatly] Now we hit the "enter" key and enjoy what the last hour of programming has brought us. And... Wow. I know, it's truly exciting. Now it's your turn. Your final project will be designing your own computer game.
Dave Kim: Did he just say something interesting?
Adam: I can't tell 'cause his voice sounds like a robot designed to put other robots to sleep.

Quote from Dave Kim

Jackie: Let's break it down. What do all the best video games have?
Dave Kim: This is so hard. Creativity isn't valued in my household.

Quote from Murray

Murray: Bevy, the only thing your dad cares about more than gambling is doing what he's told not to do. Let him go to the casino.
Beverly: Wait, that's it! When he does, we'll trail him and catch him losing big, and then he'll have to admit he's got a problem. Good idea, Mur.
Murray: On your way back, fill my car up with some gas. Thank you.
Beverly: Fine. Bill will help me spy on my father.
Bill Lewis: Wha? No, no, no. I just came over for some salsa. Mur, say something.
Murray: Get me a funnel cake. I love funnel cakes.

Quote from Bill Lewis

Adult Adam: [v.o.] And so my mom dragged Bill to Atlantic City to see just how lucky Lucky Al really was. Turns out, the old guy still had it.
Bill Lewis: Hot dog. You're wrong, Bev. The man's as lucky as ever. Nope. He's betting his watch. You're right. He's a degenerate.

Quote from Erica

Erica: Nailed what about me? What! Tell me now!
A;Sister Erica, how would you like to be in a state-of-the-art computer game?
Erica: No! Take me out of that, or I'll punch your lazy eye straight!

Quote from Barry

Barry: Well, looks like it's game over.
Adam: Or is it? With just a few clicks, it's goodbye, sister Erica, and hello, brother Eric.
Barry: If that's an option, then change me, too!
Adam: What's to change? You're perfect.
Barry: I know that. But the game says otherwise. Look at that spaz run computer-me is doing. I do not run like that!
Adam: Yeeeaaah, except that you do.
Barry: No, I don't! Make me stop!
Adam: You're just making him run faster.
Barry: Then I refuse to grant you the rights to my likeness forever.
Adam: That's the run right there. How does he not see it?

Quote from Pops

Pops: Hey, Pumpkin! Guess who just cleaned out the Tropicana again?
Beverly: Dad, your luck is incredible. I just wish there was a way for you to win more without schlepping all the way to A.C.
Bill Lewis: I wish, too, for this. Yes.
Beverly: You mean my dad should start placing all his bets with your great, new bookie Bettin' Joe?
Pops: He sounds great! $100 on a six-team parlay Jets, Lions, Bucs, Saints, Oilers, and Packers.
Bill Lewis: There you go! If you're gonna bet six teams, they might as well be the worst.

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