Murray: Okay, compromise. The moron boys can get the hell out, but my little peanut, she's going to school in Philadelphia.
Mr. Glascott: I get it. I got a bird. She's my princess. If she flew away, I don't know what I would do.

Barry: What's with the getup? Is there, like, a sports musical you're starring in?
Adam: Little production called gym class, and Coach Mellor's letting me be the leading man.
Barry: He made you captain? This is a game changer. You got to pick smart.
Adam: For sure. First my boy Sirota, then Dave Kim, Tiny Tyler, Lanky Hank, and the foreign-exchange kid who knows nothing of our customs.
Barry: No! This is the only time you'll ever be captain. You can't pick the wienies. You got to pick the winners, earn their respect. This is a defining moment for you, bro.

Pops: I can't get over it. He throws a party in his dorm room after specifically being told not to.

Murray: All right, look at this movie. That's what college is. Do you want Erica to end up in a hot tub with an elderly businessman?
Pops: Okay, you're kind of taking some of the tickle out of the movie for me.

Adam: Just go away. This is hopeless.
Barry: That's where you're wrong. The only problem is, you guys don't speak the same language. You speak lazy-eyed nerd, and, like me, you speak awesome, all-star athlete.

Barry: Even though I'm ripped like you, my body has also been infected by my brother's crippling geekery. I tried to fight it, but it's too powerful. And it's led to this.
Adam: Dude, you created a D and D character?
Barry: Lord Big of Tasty. I wanted one ready in case you asked me to play, but you never did.
Adam: I just assumed you didn't care.
Barry: Point is, if this crazy-jacked bro can learn how to play D and D, other super-shredded bros can, too.

Beverly: I'm going to Carnegie Mellon with Erica.
Erica: No.
Beverly: We're gonna be roommates.
Erica: No!
Beverly: We're gonna sneak in a hot plate to cook ramen soup.
Erica: Never!
Beverly: And then we're gonna rush the same sorority.
Erica: This is a nightmare.
Beverly: And I'll be her mother and her sister.
Erica: Kill me.

Erica: What is wrong with you people?! Seriously, I get no respect! No respect.
Beverly: That's exactly what Rodney Dangerzone says. See? We are on the same team.

Beverly: Oh, no. Not this game. I heard all about it on "60 Minutes". A stuffy Southern reverend said it's the gateway to black magic.
Adam: Don't worry, guys. I got this. Okay, mama, I won't play the thing that makes my heart happy.
Beverly: You bewitched me, you little devil. [smooching]
Adam: Look away. I'm doing this for us.
Beverly: Dungeons and Snuggles! Mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah. I'm a little devil, and I like kisses.

Erica: Dad, you need to come with us. Mom is in full sabotage mode. This is my dream.
Murray: And it's my dream to have one less moron living in this house. I'll help you.