Dave Kim: Scandalous news! You know how you and Brea decided to be friends?
Adam: I'm fairly aware, Dave Kim.
Dave Kim: I think Brea's moved on faster than you. I intercepted this note Walls and her were passing back and forth in history.
Adam: Why is it sticky?
Dave Kim: I spilled marmalade on it.
Emmy: Why are you eating marmalade in class?
Dave Kim: Just read the note.
Adam: "Hey, do you wanna go to the Valentine's dance..." The jam obscured the rest.
Dave Kim: Marmalade's not a jam. Sure, it combines the sweetness of a jam with the bitterness of citrus peel...
Emmy: Enough marmalade talk, Dave Kim!

Adam: [to Principal Ball] I did you a solid, and now my college experience is gonna eat turds.
Dave Kim: I probably won't even go anymore. I'll just join my cousin selling junk bonds. Sure, I'll have a white leather couch and a doorman that high-fives me and says, "D.K. in the house!" But it's not college!

Adam: Where the hell's my mom?
Dave Kim: The only possible answer is she's trapped at the bottom of a wishing well.
Brea: Dave Kim!
Dave Kim: It's more plausible than her missing her schmoopie's special day.
Brea: Adam, I'm sure she's just parking. Or maybe Dave Kim's bottom-of-the-well thing. It is odd.

Murray: You're my son's friend, right?
Dave Kim: Uh, yes.
Murray: And you've been in love with Erica for a long time?
Emmy Mirsky: Like, forever.
Murray: She finally loves you back. Mazel Tov.
Emmy Mirsky: Did that just happen?
Dave Kim: Don't question it. Everything's coming up Dave Kim.

Dave Kim: No! Wait! No showers! My turtlenecks shrink when they get we-e-t!

Dave Kim: No! This is my graduation turtleneck!

Adam: This is my big ticket to get him to finally pony up some dough for a homemade action movie.
Dave Kim: Dude, when are you gonna learn?
Adam: What?
Dave Kim: It's like every week you go to your dad and ask him to support one of your insanely geeky hobbies.
Adam: [scoffs] Name one.
Dave Kim: Robots, swords, video games, Space Camp, D&D, Magic, Fraggles, a new computer so you could "Weird Science" up a hot girl.
Adam: I live a rich life, Dave Kim! But this time's gonna be different 'cause for the first time, we love the same thing. He can't say no.
Dave Kim: And yet, I think he'll find a way.

Naked Rob: One drop touches me and you're dead.
Dave Kim: Yes, Mr. Naked, sir.
Naked Rob: Now pour it on yourself. Do it.
Taz: Dear Lord!
Dave Kim: My beautiful hair!
Pops: Have some pride, Dave Kim.
Dave Kim: This is so demeaning.

Geoff: I'll go get Erica.
Adam: She's in Florida on Spring Break.
Geoff: Wait, my girlfriend went to MTV Spring Break and didn't even tell me?
Dave Kim: Sounds like trouble in paradise. Dave Kim smells a door opening.
Geoff: What?
Dave Kim: I'm not gonna hide my feelings, bro. I'm actively rooting against you.

Dave Kim: Dude, this is better than you could have ever imagined. All the kissing's making Dana crazy, and Asha's clearly into you now, too.
Adam: You think Asha's into me?
Dave Kim: Have you seen her notebook? It's got "AG" written all over it.
Adam: I'm "AG." I only signed up for this play to stop Dana from kissing that handsome douche, and now I'm the handsome douche.
Dave Kim: You're gonna be a theater department legend, right up there with that guy who freed all the cats during Cats, and then they couldn't catch all the cats, so now we can't do Cats anymore.