‘Crazy Calls’
Season 4, Episode 4 - Aired October 12, 2016
Beverly mixes in and tries to help Adam find friends in the cutthroat world of the school cafeteria. Meanwhile, a new answering machine prompts a war of words between Murray and his father.
Quote from Murray
Barry: Erica, Pop-Pop said Dad's a bastard, and he wants a Tab.
Erica: Pops, Pop-Pop wants a diet soda.
Pops: Murray, will you buy your dad a diet soda? At the very least, it'll calm him down.
Murray: Fine! Excuse me. Let me get a pretzel and a Tab for the old guy on the end. Here.
Pops: Here.
Erica: Here.
Barry: Here.
Pop-Pop: What the [bleep] is this! I don't drink ladies' soda. Where's my pretzel?
Barry: It appears Dad is eating it.
Pop-Pop: You give your father a message, and you tell him every single word.
Quote from Murray
Murray: Hello. You've reached the answering machine of the Goldberg residence. We either are unavailable or unable to get to the phone at the moment, but we would appreciate it if you would leave your name, telephone number, business, the person you're calling for, and the time you called after you hear the beep. And we will be sure to get back to you at our
Erica: Come on! Everyone knows how to do it.
Barry: I can't take it. It's so long and explain-y.
Murray: Shut up! Earliest convenience. [Chuckles] Yeah. I-I'm good with that.
Quote from Barry
Barry: Hi. You've reached the Goldbergs. Leave a message. [beep]
Erica: Hey. I got a flat tire, and I need-
Barry: Ha! It's not the answering machine, you dumb idiot! It's actually me Barry.
Erica: [Sighs] It's me. I need Dad-
Barry: Gotcha again! It is the answering machine. Leave a message. [beep]
Erica: Damn it! I've got a flat tire, and I need Dad-
Barry: No, it's actually me, Barry, for real. So, what's the deal?
Erica: Barry, I will kill you! Put Dad on the-
Barry: But, seriously, leave a message at the beep. [beep]
Erica: Dad, I got a flat-
Barry: Oh, my god, you are a dumb sack of crap.
Quote from Dave Kim
Adam: I don't see any seats together. What should we do?
Dave Kim: Every man for himself. If anyone asks, I'm a skate rat now.
[Dave skates away and falls to the floor]
Mr. Glascott: Ooh. Classic Dave Kim.
Quote from Barry
Murray: Problem solved.
Barry: Holy crap! You got us an answering machine? Erica, come quick! Dad did something that doesn't suck.
Erica: Oh, my God! An answering machine?
Quote from Barry
Murray: Get out of here.
Barry: [As Tony Montana] Say hello to my little message. This is Scarface, by the way. Cocaine.
Quote from Barry
Erica: Guess what we have.
Barry: The answers to all our answering-machine problems-
Both: Crazy Calls.
Pops: I don't know what it is, but it sounds wild.
Erica: It's a tape of professionally recorded outgoing messages that represent many musical styles.
Barry: And it's advertised on TV, so you know it's good. Prepare yourselves.
Quote from Murray
Pop-Pop: [on answering machine] Hello. Is this Murray? What? You got a robit taking your messages now? Ooh, my highfalutin' son thinks he's better than everyone.
Erica: I think it's Pop-Pop.
Pop-Pop: [on answering machine] Well, you're not. You're a thief! Don't think I forgot about that $17 you stole from me.
Murray: Still with the $17! I can't take this!
Pop-Pop: [Tape fast-forwarding] My electric bill was the same every month, but all of a sudden, it's $17 more. Yeah, well, you do the math, genius!
Murray: He's taking up the whole tape!
Pop-Pop: [Tape fast-forwarding] I know you were upset about your wedding toast, but I really thought you preferred the company of men. [Tape fast-forwarding] You were an ugly baby. There, I said it.
Murray: That's it!
Erica: Well, at least he's talking to you. That's new.
Murray: Oh, we will talk but good. Just he and I, man to man.
Quote from Beverly
Carla: Look at them with their nerd thermoses. Like they're nerd construction workers. [laughs]
Beverly: Excuse me. What did you just say about those nerd losers?
Carla: Uh, that they should drink out of their nerd thermoses?
Beverly: Glascott's office now! [later:] So, what kind of punishment are we talking about here? Suspension, expulsion, solitary confinement? Do we do that? 'Cause that's what I want.
Quote from Mr. Glascott
Mr. Glascott: You two can go back to class, and try not to be so accurate with your nerd insults next time. Oh, and stay out of that broom closet. Yeah, that's right. Old Glascott knows what's up.