Cooking with Beverly Goldberg
Beverly Goldberg is known for her unique style of cooking: a lot of love, a whole lot of cheese, and the occasional F-bomb.
Beverly: Here, try Bevy's secret hangover recipe.
Other Erica: Why does it smell like fish?
Beverly: That's the shrimp. It's the aspirin of the sea. Drink up.
Beverly: In honor of my schmoopie-poop's arrival home and back into my loving arms, I present the most tender brisket ever brisketed.
Erica: How can you brisket at a time like this? Dad's about to come home and lose his mind when he hears I dropped out.
Beverly: That's the point. I know exactly how to butter up your father. You do it with meat. And actual butter.
Mrs. Kim: You can't put cheese on seafood! It breaks every culinary law!
Beverly: I'll put cheese on anything. Anything.
Mrs. Kim: You can't cheese anything.
Beverly: I once cheesed a slice of watermelon.
Mrs. Kim: That's disgusting.
Beverly: Or is it delicious?
Beverly: So then you're gonna say to yourself, that's too much cheese. But you know what? It's never too much cheese.
Beverly: I don't believe this. I would like nothing more than to be out there in the workforce with shoulder-padded power suit and my thermos of home-made soup. Maybe chicken noodle or maybe a nice bisque or stew. Probably stew.
Beverly: Okay, I got you the fancy rich-people food you wanted, but I-I just don't think-
Barry: This is my new way of living. Bring me my first course.
Beverly: I present to you pate.
Barry: Like a hamburger pat-tay?! Yes! No! Ugh! It's like meat, but it's smooth like peanut butter!
Beverly: Come on. Let mama make you a shrimp parm and a chili pot pie.
Barry: Yes! Let's cheese up some shrimps and pie up some chili!
Beverly: Come and eat this chili I made you.
Barry: No, I'm not gonna eat a bowl of chili before I play. It'll slow me down!
Beverly: Nonsense. It'll give you strength. It's Mama's special power chili.
Barry: I don't want it.
Beverly: It's loaded with meat and beans.
Barry: I don't want it.
Beverly: It's Mama's special power chili.
Barry: I'm not gonna eat your special power chili.
Beverly: Look at the meat and beans.
Barry: I see the meat and beans. I just don't want to eat the meat and beans.
Beverly: Eat the damn meat and beans, get some power, then wash it down with some bone-strengthening buttermilk.
Barry: No milk and no chili. I have to skate for three hours!
Beverly: That's why you need the buttermilk. It coats the mouth and belly from all the power-giving chili.
Barry: [groans] No.
Beverly: There you go.
Barry: It's so beany and meaty.
Beverly: Feel the beefy power.
Barry: My tongue can't fight the beefiness.
Beverly: First assignment lasagna! This will be the greatest challenge of your young lives.
Ruben Amaro Jr.: But my mom makes lasagna all the time. Is it really that hard?
Beverly: Uh, I don't know, Ruben Amaro Jr. Does four layers of hand-rolled noodles, freshly stewed tomatoes, and six imported cheeses sound hard to you?
JC Spink: But I only know two different types of cheese: string and whiz.
Beverly: Goat, Gruyere, Gouda. Those are just the G's. You want me to go on?
Beverly: I read the topic "Describe a personal hero who's changed the course of your life."
Erica: Mom, stop.
Beverly: Let's brainstorm. What makes a hero? Hmm? Someone who's great at crafting, matchmaking, parming chicken or shrimp or eggplant or meatballs.
Pops: Okay, I'm sure it's not as bad as ya think. Lemme see that letter.
Beverly: Take your pick.
Pops: "Dear Ms. Goldberg, your blending of fish and veal is both upsetting and against God's plan."
Adult Adam: [v.o.] Yep, my mom was desperate to keep me at a safe distance, so she spread the word about the latest hot spot for off-campus lunch.
Adam: Bev's Bites? This is just my mom making food at my house.
Johnny: I don't do zoning for the city. Just going for the free grub.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] It was a brilliant chess move. If I wanted to go to a food court, my mom would bring a food court to me. Yep. Bev's Bites was open for business.
Beverly: What'll it be, sir? I've got a wok, and I'll put things in there that the fast food chains are afraid to.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] The '80s marked the rise of the cooking show. There was Yan, The Galloping Gourmet, the Cajun cook, and of course, a Swedish Muppet. But my mom's lifelong hero was Julia Child. Julia's show, The French Chef, was the inspiration for our family's deliciously cheesy "French phase."
Beverly: For Erica, savory Quiche Lorraine. For Murray, melty cheese fondue.
Murray: It's like nachos without the hassle.
Beverly: And for my hungry bear, potatoes au gratin, extra gratin.
Barry: This is gonna wreck me. Thanks, Mom.
Pops: I think I know what's happening. Seems whenever I say "action," your mom panics and becomes Julia Child.
Beverly: Oh, don't be ridiculous! Here, I'll prove it. Say "action" and watch me cook.
Beverly: [as Julia Child]This lovely dish is made with saltwater prawns, Parmesan cheese, and butter because butter is better! I'm Julia Child!
Beverly: [normal voice] Okay, maybe I am doing a little something.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] While I hit a detour, inside was a race for the perfect Parm.
Beverly: Okay, here you go. Pork Parm Wellington.
Lainey: Attempt number nine, so, dear God, please like it.
Barry: Uh, close enough. Let's just move on to meatloaf burgers.
Beverly: No! Not till we've perfectly baked all 53 ingredients. Or is it 54?
Lainey: I thought you said you knew all the recipes by heart.
Beverly: No yenta in the world can remember every ounce of butter and pinch of salt that goes into this many dishes!
Beverly: Now, the secret to shredding mozzarella is to put the block of cheese in the freezer first. Sous-chef Adam, the grater, please.
Adam: My hands are numb.
Beverly: Over the teeth and through the gums, look out, tummy, here it comes.
Beverly: Whoooo is excited about my shrimp parm? Well, I sure as heck am. [as Adam] Five stars, Mama. [normal voice] You can find this parm and many more parms like it in The Beverly Goldberg Cookbook.
Beverly: There you go. Rib pot pie with no peas or carrots.
Murray: It's just crust and meat! Thank you.