Jackie: Oh, my God. Adam, this is fantastic. Look, you guys. This is exactly what this paper needs, a political cartoonist.
Adam: Uh, whuzzanuh?
Dave Kim: Oh, man. He's using Darth Vader as a commentary on Reagan's destruction of our environment.
Coach Mellor: We are not printing this smear piece, commie! Ronald Reagan's an American hero, and he created the Presidential Physical Fitness Test with his bare hands.

Coach Mellor: Now, why is this test important? America needs warriors to fight the evils of communism. Tomorrow, that battle begins with the seven basic exercises, which include the sit-and-reach, the mile run, and the pull-up.

Coach Mellor: My lord, that was the ugliest pull-up I've ever seen. You'll still get killed in the first wave of attacks, but maybe, just maybe, you'll take a couple of those commie bastards with you. Well done, Goldberg.

Coach Mellor: You got that unhinged look in your eye. I like it. I like it a lot.
Barry: My mother says my eyes are the brownest brown.
Coach Mellor: I've seen browner.

Coach Mellor: What are we looking at here, Goldberg?
Barry: I taped over my fifth birthday party. My mom will never forgive me if I can't get her tape back. You're the A.V. Club advisor, help me.
Coach Mellor: Well, it's more of a ceremonial title. I just get to keep the key to the A.V. closet on my belt, and mostly I just hand the key off to that weird kid with the Muppet voice.
Barry: My brother?
Coach Mellor: That's him. Muppet boy.

Barry: So is it possible? Can we unfilm what I taped over?
Coach Mellor: Absolutely. All we gotta do is pop that tape into the VCR, hit record and rewind at the same time, and it will unrecord the top layer of video.
Barry: Duh. The answer was in front of me the whole time.
Coach Mellor: To the nerd hole!

Coach Mellor: At 6:49 this morning, our faithful janitor discovered a foreign object in the pool. Initially, we thought the object was organic in nature. So we followed school protocol and drained the facilities. Upon closer inspection, we determined that the floater in question was in fact a candy bar. Laugh it up, chuckleheads, but Caddyshacking a pool is a serious offense.

Coach Mellor: Yes, we get it. You're the socially aware girl. No reason to showboat about it, other Goldberg.
Erica: I'll stop talking.

Coach Mellor: Goldberg, what the hell are you doing? I said Ruben Amaro, Jr.
Barry: What? How is that even possible?
Coach Mellor: Well, he's an athletic superstar, and you are our mascot. Now, put on the giant head and dance for our champ.

Barry: No, I'm serious. I want to teach gym, sir.
Coach Mellor: My God. It's finally happening. I'm gonna be a mentor.
Barry: Are you crying?
Coach Mellor: My eyes are just celebrating.