Adam: At long last, the Goldberg Gang was back on the beat! But before we could catch the culprit, we first had to go over the usual suspects. Okay. This investigation is officially open.
Erica: It was Mom.
Adam: Too obvious! We need to think outside the box.
Erica: It was Mom.
Adam: Figure out who has the means the means, opportunity and motive.
Erica: Which spells "Mom".
Adam: Coincidence!

Adam: Fortunately for us, I've narrowed it down to only 36 suspects. Suspect number one, Pops. Put a few martinis in him, he's capable of anything.
Erica: It was Mom.
Adam: Suspect number two, me. Am I guilty? Probably not, but I do sleepwalk.
Erica: It was Mom.
Adam: Suspect number three!
Erica: What is that?
Adam: A ghost, classic Scooby-Doo villain.
Erica: Again, it was Mom. This is not a mystery, we're not detectives, and this is not our headquarters.

Adam: This case is heating up, man.
Murray: Enough with the case! I don't want you out there, running around like a loose cannon, because it's my ass on the line, and I won't have it!
Adam: I got to find the truth!
Murray: It's gotten too personal. You're off the case. Give me your magnifying glass and your hat.
Adam: You can't shut us down, old man! Me and my partner will not rest till we track down and interrogate every single option.

Lainey: This is bad. Real bad! They're closing in on us.
Beverly: Hold it together. They got nothing.
Lainey: There's bleach on my hands.

Lainey: It was your mom and I. We're, like, totally guilty.
Adam: I have one question. Who are you covering for?
Lainey: What? No one. I literally just confessed.
Adam: Well, isn't that convenient? Typical patsy taking the fall for a network of criminals above you.
Lainey: Why is he talking like that? I, like, literally confessed.

Barry: From this moment on, I officially declare I have no girlfriend and no mother.
Lainey: You can't do that.
Beverly: Yeah, you can't do that. Well, you can do it to her, but you can't do it to your mother. I say this all the time, you only have one mother.
Barry: Well, I'll find another one.
Beverly: You wouldn't dare.
Barry: I will. I'll tell that nice, old lunch lady who always calls me "son" to put her money where her mouth is.

Murray: I told you not to go off half-cocked like a cowboy, but you had to play by your own rules! That's as much anger as I can muster for something so stupid.

Beverly: I know you're upset, sweetie, but don't throw out the Beverly with the Lainey water.

Pops: Hey, hey! Look what I sewed back up! Large Orange, now everyone's happy.
Barry: That's Garfield! I need to punch something. Adam, I need you!
Beverly: That did not go well. It's over. I have no son.
Lainey: And I have no boyfriend.
Pops: I think Garfunkel is sporty and I'm keeping this thing.

Pops: Wait, that's what this is? A shirt funeral? Damn it. I missed a real funeral for this.