Beverly: Somebody stole my baby. Well, not real baby, fake baby. It's a toy. Somebody stole my toy! I'm going to get attitude from my son's pretend wife. Can someone call the police? Or Toys 'r Us? I don't [beep] know any more.

Beverly: [beep] me sideways. I have raised some thoughtful children.

Beverly: Are you crying?
Adam: No.
Beverly: Who hurt you? Tell me and I will hurt them tenfold.

Virginia Kremp: Oh please, I've seen Adam doing horseplay when I have specifically requested no horseplay. He's no angel.
Beverly: Oh, he is an angel. He could literally sprout wings and take flight at any moment.

Beverly: I would like the hanger steak, Pittsburgh style, but instead of Barnaise sauce, I would like crab cakes.
Alex: We also don't swap out sauces for actual food.
Beverly: Okay, got a whole lot of rules that don't make any sense. All right, here's what we're gonna do. I would like the sirloin, medium-plus, with garlic butter sauce on the side. Okay, let's start over. I would like a baked potato with sour cream and chives, but extra sour cream on the side. I would like a petit filet, a large petit filet, red peppers and beans and asparagus and creamed spinach and add the horseradish on the side. I'm not, like, starving, so cut the potato in half and put half of it to go. ... And all the mushrooms you have.

Beverly: Murray, no. Our babies can't live in a van. They could get snatched by a kidnapper, who wouldn't need a creepy van because he's being conveniently provided with one.

Beverly: Hi. I don't know if you remember me. I'm Beverly Goldberg.
Mrs. Kim: Yes, of course. You're the mom who I thought worked at the school 'cause she's there so much.
Beverly: I'm involved, yes.

Alex: Okay, ma'am?
Beverly: Okay, write this down very carefully. I would like the sirloin, medium-plus, with garlic butter sauce on the side. I would like the vegetable medley, but instead of asparagus, I would like six pieces of shrimp.
Alex: We don't substitute shrimp for vegetables.
Beverly: Oh. That changes everything.

Erica: Mom, I need you to get heavily involved with your son in an inappropriate way.
Beverly: I'm in. You name it. I'll do it.

Beverly: Honestly, there should be a museum for the two of you. It'll be called the Schmoopie Center for Cuteness and I will be the curator, and people will line up for blocks just to delight in your deliciousness.