Ben Franklin: I shall hold your hand.
Beverly: Oh, [beep] off, Ben Franklin.

Erica: Stop doing what you're doing.

Beverly: Come on, you must have one celebrity lead.
Coach Mellor: No, I'm a gym teacher. I rotate two pairs of shorts.

Coach Mellor: Hands Across America, it's happening this weekend and you will not make Coach look bad. All right, listen up. This limited edition, government-issued visor means that I have personally been appointed regional captain because I volunteered. It is my duty to make sure everybody in this town forms a human chain to stop the homeless. Questions?

Beverly: I'd give anything to have just one photo of me and my babies looking that happy on the front page of the paper.
Virginia: Well, Barry did make the paper for that time he got into a fight with a service horse.
Beverly: He really thought it was his apple.
Virginia: Horses are tricky.

Beverly: Oh my God, are you two crafting together, by choice?
Erica: No, no, no. Calm down. We're not crafting, we're just making art with construction papers, markers and glitter for a display.
Beverly: That's crafting!
Erica: Fine, we're crafting.

Beverly: Did you get us a celebrity?
Coach Mellor: No. We can't compete with Philly. Philly is the Paris of Pennsylvania. They got Baio, we got jack squat.

Pops: Then take them both. They never even have to know.
Adam: Like Peter did on the Brady Bunch?
Pops: I Brady Bunched two ladies at a U.S.O. dance back in '41. Never felt so alive!

Erica: Mommy, I want you to pick out a guy for me to date and marry?
Beverly: That is my dream.

Erica: I'm going to have five kids and I want you to baby-sit every night and tell me what to do.