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37Quotes from ‘A Wrestler Named Goldberg’

The Goldbergs: A Wrestler Named Goldberg

122. A Wrestler Named Goldberg

Aired May 6, 2014

When Barry is offered a place on the varsity wrestling team, Murray and Pops know that safety-crazed Beverly would never let her snuggle monster take part. With their help, Barry lies to his mother about joining the school play. Meanwhile, Adam is excited by the upcoming premiere of Star Wars Return of the Jedi, but he needs somebody to camp out in line with him. Adam blackmails Erica with an embarrassing video from her days as Star Wars fan. When Erica leaves the lines to hang out with her friends, Adam's hopes of seeing the premiere are dashed.

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: What is wrong with my children? Why won't they let me completely immerse myself in their lives?

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Quote from Beverly

Barry: Mom? Are you kidding me right now? Move.
Beverly: I will not move. I will never move. You're my special boy. If you end up being just a head, then I have failed as a mother.

Quote from Barry

Barry: You see, first you join the wrestling team, then you get the varsity jacket, then you get the power, then you get the women.
Murray: Everything you just said makes so much sense.

Quote from Murray

Beverly: Helen Cutler's son was in a wrestling match once and his head popped right off and now he lives his life as just a head.
Murray: There's no such thing as just a head! You need organs to live.
Beverly: Well, tell that to Helen Cutler as she's carrying her son around the grocery store like a football.
Murray: Well, where's his heart?! You need a heart to function.
Beverly: It's in his neck. He's got a little neck with organs in it.
Murray: Oh, so now he's got a neck! What else has he got? Maybe a body?!

Quote from Barry

Barry: Who are these people? Tragedy befalls all of them, and I have no idea who they are!

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: That's what Essie Carp's son said and he got a big toe right in his eye. Now he can't see color. Is that what you want?

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: Ruth Rosner's grandson was doing the worm. He cracked every vertebrae in his body. Now he's two inches shorter. Is that what you want?

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: How much will you be moving when a skate glides over your windpipe? It happened to Judy Muntz's nephew and now he can only communicate with a Speak & Spell he wears around his neck. Is that what you want?

Quote from Barry

Coach Mellor: Nice moves, Goldfarb.
Barry: What?
Coach Mellor: I've been watching you, kid. I've seen you freak out and melt down all over school.
Barry: Go on.

Quote from Coach Mellor

Coach Mellor: You got that unhinged look in your eye. I like it. I like it a lot.
Barry: My mother says my eyes are the brownest brown.
Coach Mellor: I've seen browner.

Quote from Barry

Coach Mellor: But let me ask you something. Have you ever thought about joining the varsity wrestling team?
Barry: Have I?! No.

Quote from Barry

Barry: I'm joining the wrestling team.
Murray: What? Really?
Barry: So you'll let me wrestle?
Murray: Of course. You know, your old man was quite the grappler back in high school. I bet that's the reason you're doing it.
Barry: Not at all.
Murray: Tiny bit?
Barry: No.
Murray: Maybe a little?
Barry: No.
Murray: Not even this much?
Barry: I'm doing it for the ladies.

Quote from Murray

Barry: I joined the wrestling team.
Beverly: What?! Yeah, no. Never. Evelyn Sanderson's son joined a wrestling team. He put one foot-
Murray: No. No need to tell us that very tragic tale. Save it for another time.

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: Barry Norman Goldberg, look at me. Are you on the wrestling team?
Barry: Uhh, no?
Beverly: Oh, really? Because I was just down at the school theater building an orphanage for a show that apparently you're not even in.
Pops: What? You promised you weren't going down there.
Beverly: I have a problem!

Quote from Barry

Beverly: You have no right to be mad at me. No right! You're the one who lied and directly defied my orders. True story.
Barry: Oh, here we go!
Beverly: Susie Goodman's son defied her at one point-
Barry: I don't care! How do you know so many sad people?!

Quote from Barry

Barry: Wait! I got the perfect cover We'll tell mom I joined the army.
Murray: That's what you're going to tell your mother you're going into combat?!
Barry: Not combat! I could be one of those dudes who flies a helicopter and drops in bags of rice.
Murray: So now you're flying a helicopter?
Barry: Think I can't?
Murray: No!
Barry: I'm tired of you not believing in me. I'm a good driver. Flying is just like driving, but in 3D!
Murray: I don't even know what that means.

Quote from Barry

Lexy: Um, it's been like five minutes. I can live without the Zagnut.
Barry: Not on my watch. You wanted nuts all zagged up in hot fudge, cookie dough, honey, and peppermint dust?
Lexy: None of those things are in that bar.
Barry: Barry's gonna get it for you.
Lexy: Who's Barry?
Barry: I'm Barry! How do you not know this by now? Wait, come back! I can do it!

Quote from Adam

Adam: Here's how this is gonna go. You're either gonna come to the movie with me, or this tape magically ends up playing at your next school assembly.
Erica: I hate you.
Adam: We're gonna have so much fun.

Quote from Barry

Murray: You do understand it's not that kind of wrestling?
Barry: What?
Murray: That stuff's not real.
Barry: What are you saying?
Murray: None of it's real.
Barry: If you're telling me the Iron Sheik isn't fighting to protect his oil interests in this country, then my world will literally cave in.

Quote from Murray

Barry: You seriously want me to lie to mom?
Murray: Yes! You really think your mother would willingly let you fight another man with your bare hands?

Quote from Murray

Barry: No, I'm not moving on until he says he believes in me.
Murray: Fine. I believe you can drop rice from an imaginary helicopter.

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: What part in Annie did you get?
Barry: What's "Annie"?
Beverly: The musical. There's fliers all around school. Who are you playing?
Barry: Umm, I'm this guy!
Beverly: What is that? What are you doing? What guy is that?
Barry: I'm the guy.
Beverly: You're Daddy Warbucks?
Barry: Sure.
Beverly: You're Daddy [beep] Warbucks?!

Quote from Barry

Coach Mellor: What are you doing with the folding chair?
Barry: You said to practice our take-downs. The chair-bash is my character's patented move.
Coach Mellor: Your character?
Barry: Yeah. For the WWF. They call me Goldberg. My back story is my parents gave me up for adoption, and then I grew up on the rough streets of Philly. I'm sensitive, so ladies love me, but I also have a raging side, so men can relate, too.

Quote from Coach Mellor

Coach Mellor: But this isn't the WWF. And as someone whose parents really did give him up for adoption, I can promise you it's a lot more emotionally complicated than that. Now, put the chair back.

Quote from Murray

Pops: I'm kind of wondering if this whole thing is worth it.
Murray: It is what it is.

Quote from Murray

Murray: Okay, let me show you a real move. This was my specialty back in the day. You use your opponent's weight and strength against him.
Barry: You smell like sandwich.
Murray: Shut up.

Quote from Beverly

Murray: Yes, he's on the wrestling team, but that's a good thing. I was on the wrestling team, and look how fine I turned out.
Beverly: [laughs maniacally] How dare you go behind my back and encourage my delicious baby muffin to lie to me.

Quote from Adam

Erica: You honestly want to know why I left? I didn't want my friends to see me stand in line at some space movie that I got blackmailed into by my dumb kid brother.
Adam: I blackmailed you because it's the only way to get you to spend time with me. And I didn't used to just be your dumb kid brother. I used to be your friend.

Quote from Erica

Adam: I told you I'm not seeing the Sunday matinee. It's like wearing somebody else's wedding dress.
Erica: What does that even mean?

Quote from Erica

Erica: We're going today.
Adam: How?
Erica: Well, I told the theater manager what happened, and he was incredibly sympathetic. He's gonna sneak us in.
Adam: Really?
Erica: I also said I would go to dinner with him and his grandparents. I really wish I would have just stayed in line.

Quote from Murray

Murray: All right, Bevy, no one loves a tragic parenting tale more than you. Did you ever hear the one about Beverly Goldberg's son? He got utterly dominated by her in front of the whole school and was made a laughingstock.

Quote from Murray

Murray: There is a way to make people forget the terrible things they saw today, and that's for you to go out and pulverize this kid and show him why your catchphrase is "welcome to the mat!" Or something better that you think of on your way out there.

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I've always wanted to be a wrestling mom!

Quote from Barry

Barry: You know it, girl! I'm tough, but gentle, and we're gonna ride a horse into the sun.


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