Barry: Make sure you cover every square inch of space on that board.
Matt: Trust me, Big Tasty, when I'm done, no one at this college will be able to find a dog sitter, guitar lessons, or the hotline to call when negative thoughts are taking over.
Andy: Hey, uh, just so we're clear, how long do I have to wear this heavy thing?
Barry: As long as it takes to catch the eye of everyone on campus. And you should be moving around more. Start jogging. Move those little legs.
Andy: You got it, Big Tasty. And you not saying thanks is thanks enough.
Barry: Naked Rob, where the hell is my skywriter?
Naked Rob: Nowhere, because it costs $3,000 and I'm still technically a boy.
Barry: Totally unacceptable.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] After their public throwdown in the quad, the dean called Barry and Erica in for a private meeting.
Dean: We take fighting very seriously.
Geoff: Oh, God, will this go on our permanent records?
Dean: Are you a student here?
Geoff: Boyfriend of a student.
Dean: That's not anything.
Geoff: And yet it's all I got.

Beverly: I also feel something. I'm naturally very intuitive. I could've been a psychic.

Karen English: Spirit, we mean you no harm. Please advise us of your intentions. Ooh. Very interesting.
Adam: Oh, balls. What is it?
Beverly: Oh, I-I'm sensing, um, an ancient Indian burial ground.
Karen English: No. This is a Victorian presence.
Beverly: Exactly. An ancient Victorian... Indian burial ground.

Barry: An "F"? Uh [chuckles] I think you mean "D".
Professor Majors: I don't.
Barry: How did this happen?
Professor Majors: Did you study?
Barry: No, but a very prestigious school administrator said I needed a work/party balance.
Professor Majors: Did he also say that you will never become a doctor with grades like these?
Barry: But that's my dream. Why would he encourage my reckless lifestyle without highlighting the consequences?
Professor Majors: Well, if I were you, I'd drop everything else and start cramming for the next exam.
Barry: I'm hosting an epic rager for the ages tonight.
Professor Majors: "Rocky Horror"? What is this nonsense?
Barry: It's a movie about a mad scientist who's actually an alien cross-dresser who creates a muscle man in his lab.
Professor Majors: Just another offensive portrayal of a scientist. Why don't we ever hear about the well-adjusted scientist who pays his taxes and shows up consistently for his nephew Brandon? Why is this guy walking around in his undies?
Barry: That's Brad. He's a doof.
Professor Majors: You're a doof. [a student trips and drops her books] Damn it, Janet.

Murray: Could you do me a favor? Could you, uh, talk to the ghost?
Beverly: What are you saying?
Murray: Do what you do best. Protect the family and tear that ghost a new one.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] Turns out the only way to get rid of a prim and proper ghost was to unleash Beverly Goldberg.
Beverly: Uh, hey, Victorian girl... you're gonna need to get the [bleep] out of my house...
Murray: Hoo-hoo!
Beverly: ...or I am gonna sell this house to a family of nudists.
Murray: She'll do it!
Beverly: And it's not gonna be the fit, athletic kind of nudists, either. Oh, no. There's gonna be bits and bobs flappin' all around the kitchen.
Murray: [laughing] This is ridiculous. I love it.
Beverly: It will be hygienically disgusting.
Murray: Give it to 'em, Bevy.
Beverly: So get the [bleep] out of my [bleep] house, you [bleep]-hating [bleep] ghost! Shame on you.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] Yeah, those dusty old butt paintings were there to stay... that is, until day turned to night and strange things started to happen.
Beverly: Adam, I told you to stay off the stairs!
Murray: Adam, you moron!
Adult Adam: [v.o.] But I wasn't on the stairs. In fact, no one was.
Beverly: [gasps] Murray, that wasn't Adam. He just walked in dressed as an old Hawaiian lady.
Adam: I'm Weird Al. I only changed my costume 'cause there's another Beetlejuice at school. I let Zach Rosen have the win. His parents are getting divorced.
Murray: Thanks for that journey, but if it wasn't you, how did that picture fall?
Beverly: Something's not right here, something beyond the scope of our understanding.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] She was right. Something was up, something otherworldly and not quite... [ominous chord plays]
Adam: That was my accordion. What a haunting sound, huh?

Erica: Having fun with that thing?
Geoff: [holding handheld vacuum] Oh, you know it. Had a brief scare with the phone cord, but it's been smooth sailing since the rug.

Barry: Good Hallow's Eve, sister. Geofferson.
Erica: What do you want?
Barry: I'd very much like to host an intimate gathering to celebrate the passing of October.
Erica: A Halloween party?
Barry: I love it. That's way better than my idea. We shall burn this dorm to the ground.

Barry: I hear you loud and angry.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] But he really didn't. Geoff soon discovered that Barry didn't care what Erica thought.
Geoff: Oh, no.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] Yep, Big Tasty's "Rocky Horror" party was very much on...
Geoff: Oh, no.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] ...and very well advertised.
Geoff: Oh, cuss word, no!
Barry: Oh, cuss word, yes, my high-strung friend.
Geoff: Barry, y-you can't!
Barry: And yet I have. I'm also doing this.
Geoff: Oh, no! This sweet autumn breeze will be the end of me!