Geoffrey: My friends, this calls for a drink.
Philip: This is incredible.
Hilary: I'll say.
Philip: Geoffrey. Geoffrey, now, that's a $500 bottle of champagne.
Geoffrey: Ah, the cheap stuff. Not to worry, Phil. It's on me.
Will: Geoffrey, check it out. Me and Carlton-
Geoffrey: Ah, your Montrose vase attracts dust like a magnet.
Will: G, listen-
Geoffrey: [throws the vase down] Problem solved.

Will: You're wasting your time, Carlton. Geoffrey already cut out all the bra ads.
Carlton: Will, for your information, I was looking at those funny little markings underneath the pictures. In Bel-Air we call them "words."

Philip: You did what?! Are you out of your horny, little adolescent minds?!
Carlton: I know I am, Dad.
Philip: What you did was not only humiliating, it caused Geoffrey to quit his job.
Will: Look, Uncle Phil, it was just a joke.
Carlton: A joke I had nothing to do with, Dad. I mean, you know me, I don't even have a sense of humor.

Carlton: This happens all the time. They think I'm Bryant Gumbel.
Woman: Are you the guy from Webster?
Carlton: No.
Woman: [to her friend] I told you it was the guy from Diff'rent Strokes.

Carlton: Will, I don't think he's going to come with us.
Will: Don't worry, baby. Plan B. [to a well-dressed, middle-aged woman] Say, Miss, check it out, look me and my partner can't afford nothing on this menu. Probably, a Vaseline and salt sandwich if they had one. Check it out, I'll give you $5 for that salad.
Woman: What?
Will: All right, $6.50. Wait, check it out, $7 for just the lettuce.
Woman: Well, I never.
Will: All this money he paying for this food, girl, you better. [the man stands up] What? What's up? What's up? What?
Geoffrey: I'm so sorry.

Carlton: Will, Mom and Dad are gonna kill us when they find out what we did.
Will: No, they're not, 'cause they're not gonna find out what we did. Geoffrey's not leaving because I'm going to do the right thing.
Carlton: What, tell the truth?
Will: No, I'm gonna beg like Keith Sweat.

Will: Okay, here we go. Put down your money, find the honey. Locate the black queen, and I don't mean Little Richard.
Carlton: There!
Will: Okay, Carlton, you're pretty good for a White guy.
Geoffrey: What's going on out here?
Carlton: I'm cleaning up, Geoffrey.
Geoffrey: I hope they pay you more than they pay me.
Carlton: Seriously, Geoffrey, you should get in on this.
Geoffrey: Do you play the Hell's Kitchen version or the A-train hybrid.
Will: Huh?
Geoffrey: I'm in.

Will: All right, here we go. Zagnut, Goobers, Good & Plenty, locate the black girl, you win $20.
Geoffrey: That one. Yes!
Will: Well, there goes Saturday night at Sizzler. I had coupons, too.
Geoffrey: Beginner's luck, Master William. One last bet?
Will: No, no, thanks. I'm out, G.
Geoffrey: Didn't realize you were such a coward.
Carlton: [clucks] Chicken.
Will: All right, don't nobody call me a coward. What's your bet?
Geoffrey: 50 big ones.
Will: I ain't no punk, I'll take that down. Here we go. I can't look.
Geoffrey: Drat!
Will: Oh, damn. Oh, damn, G. Damn! There, see, that one red. See, if it was like you, you'd have won, but it red, so you lost. Better luck next time.
Carlton: He fell for it, Will. Now let's go hustle Dad. Oops.
Will: "Oops"? Good cover. I'm guessing you've done this before?

Vivian: Hey, guess what, I just finished my first short story.
Will: Oh, what a coincidence, your first short story and your first short son in the same room.

Philip: Okay, somebody bury this.
Carlton: Dad, are you crazy?
Philip: Look, if I read this story, it'll be the biggest mistake I've ever made.
Will: I don't know about that, Uncle Phil. Remember them plaid shorts you wore last summer?
Philip: [chuckles] Look, let me tell you boys something about women. Now, if I read it and say I like it she'll think I'm just trying to make her happy. If I say I don't like it, she'll stop trying to make me happy.