Will: Yo, what's up, y'all? You know if Uncle Phil's in a good mood? I'm trying to hit him up for $50 for the homecoming.
Carlton: Will, $50 is only gonna cover the tickets. There's still the tux, the limousine, the pre-party party, the post-party party, and, in your case, bail.
Will: Yeah, you're right. This could cost a fortune.
Hilary: Oh, That's okay. Daddy's got a fortune. I always find that when you ask for large sums, it helps if you take his hand look deep into his eyes, and tell him you have cramps.
Carlton: That only worked for Hilary. When I tried it he sent me to a specialist.

Philip: Will, we have to talk.
Will: Yeah, sure, Uncle Phil. What's the problem?
Philip: You missed basketball practice. You've been falling asleep in class and you missed curfew twice this week. I want an explanation.
Will: And you deserve an explanation. All right? And I have an incredible one that I'd like to give you next week. But then again, I'd like to see next week... so maybe I should give it to you now. I got a job.
Vivian: Well, why are we just now hearing about it?
Will: Because l wanted to surprise you.
Philip: Look, I wasn't born yesterday. I expect you to honor your commitments, and I expect you to be honest. Now, until you can tell me the truth, you are grounded. No TV, no phone calls, and no visitors.
Will: But... Why don't you just do me like Kunta Kente and chop off my foot?

Will: Thirty seconds on high, Spock. Energize. [buzzing] [imitating Chekov] Captain, we're going into a warp drive, we're running low on dilithium crystals. [imitating Kirk] Do something, Bones. [imitating Bones] Jim, I'm a doctor, damn it, not a short-order cook.
Hilary: Quit playing around. I want to heat up my Sara Lee.
Will: Can you use the regular oven?
Hilary: Do I look like Wilma Flintstone?
Carlton: That smells delicious. Can I have some?
Will: Come on, beat it, man. There's barely enough for me. [removes a pair of underpants from the oven] Ah, just the way I like them toasty warm.

Vivian: Can we discuss this in the car? I don't want to be late.
Hilary: Yeah, you remember what happened last time? They ran out of pasta salad in the VIP section.
Will: [scoffs] And they didn't, like, stop the game? Aunt Viv, look, I'm sorry. I'm just not down with this b-ball thing at least not the way y'all do it.
Vivian: Then I take it you won't be going to the game?
Will: I didn't exactly say that. What I was saying is that I'm just not down with it the way you guys do it, you know. I mean, if I do it, I want to sit in the $2 seats where my feet be sticking to the floor and a big, fat, crusty, bloated dude is sitting behind me belching in my ear. I mean, any other way is unnatural.

Philip: Vivian, let's not let Will ruin our dinner. [Will hits Uncle Phil with a napkin]
Vivian: He hasn't ruined anything for me. I think he's a great kid.
Will: Complimentary champagne for the lovely young lady.
Philip: I'll have a glass of that, too.
Will: Sorry, man, we ain't got no more.

Will: I never really looked at it like that. You know, Uncle Phil? I guess it ain't so bad being like one of your kids.
Philip: Uh, thank you.
Will: Of course, if I had my choice, I'd pick Ashley but...

Will: I think I can handle this myself, guys.
Hilary: Compliment his clothes, you know? Tell him that he's lost some weight.
Carlton: But no more than 20 pounds, and it helps to keep a straight face.
Will: Why don't I just get on my hands and knees and beg?
Hilary: Well, that's only worth $25. Besides, it's really hard on your knees.

Will: Hey, Uncle Phil. Man, you've lost weight.
Philip: Thanks a lot, Will.
Will: And that suit you got on... Man, it's great how it accentuates your massive... weight loss, man.
Philip: Anything else?
Will: Yeah, there is one other thing. [grabs Uncle Phil's hand] I got cramps.

Philip: How much? What's it cost? And will I get sued?
Will: Actually, now that you mention it, I could use, like, 200 bones for the homecoming.
Philip: Well, fine. I'll write you a check. You know, Will, I never thought I'd say this but you've become like one of my own. I could close my eyes, and I'd swear I'm talking to Carlton.
Vivian: Hi, Will. Are you all right?
Will: Well, Uncle Phil... Uncle Phil just said that I was just like one of your kids. He said I was just like C- He said I was just like... your son. [clears throat]
Vivian: Oh, and you are, sweetheart. And it's about time he realized it.
[Will shakes his head to camera]

Tina: Whoa! Whoa! Look at that guy in the swimsuit. Is he buffed or what?
Ashley: Where? I don't see a buffed guy. I only see Carlton.
Tina: Oh, God. He's coming over here. I can't look. Hand me a missionary.
Carlton: Hey, Ashley, how's the science project coming?
Ashley: Oh, it's going great. Carlton, this is Tina. Tina, this is my brother, Carlton.
Carlton: Hi, Tina.
Tina: Hi. I love your towel.
Carlton: Thanks. Well, I got to go prepare for debate practice.
Tina: You're on the debate team? That is so cool.
Carlton: I must say it is refreshing to see the younger generation taking an interest in the art of persuasion. It's my favorite extracurricular activity, next to table tennis.
Tina: You're athletic, too? I should have known by your bulging forearms.
Carlton: They, uh, do draw stares.