Will: Hey, Ma.
Vy: Boy, where do you get off dropping out of school?
Pete Fletcher: Mrs. Smith, if I may interject-
Vy: Who the hell are you?
Will: Mom, this is my boss. This is Mr. Fletcher.
Vy: Oh, so you're the snake that lured my boy from that fine institute of higher learning.
Pete Fletcher: Mrs. Smith, your son has a bright and productive future here at Mulholland Motors.
Vy: Oh, really? You ever been beat up by a woman?
Pete Fletcher: Not without having paid for it. Uh, Will, I'll be in my office hiding under the desk if you need me.

Will: Isn't anybody gonna congratulate me?
Vy: Yeah, yeah, come here. My foot wants to congratulate your butt. Boy, no way are you ready for marriage. How are you gonna support a wife?

Will: What are you doing here already?
Vivian: She wanted to come a day early to surprise you.
Vy: But my flight was a disaster. When I changed planes in Cleveland, they sat me next to this loudmouth chunky butt who fell asleep on my shoulder. Then when I tried to move him, he had the nerve to call me a battleaxe and say I stole his blanket.
Vy & Fred: [in unison] You!
Will: Hey, hey. Chunky butt, meet battleaxe. Battleaxe, chunky butt.

Vy: Wait a minute, Helen. Excuse me, what are you wearing to the christening? Because if I'm gonna be godmother, I don't wanna walk in church looking like the Full House twins.

Vy: [to Will, as he dances] Honey, honey, I don't think what you're doing is good for you. [to Carlton, as he dances] And I don't think what you're doing is good for anybody.
Vy & Will: Psht.

Will: Aunt Helen, you ever heard of traveling light?
Vy: And that's probably just her makeup.

Aunt Helen: I make this stuffing for all my men. And they always come back for more.
Vy: Yeah, because they forgot their shoes.

Vy: What's going on in here?
Aunt Helen: Uh-oh.
Vivian: Oh, we just thought we'd have a little snack before we went upstairs.
Vy: What's upstairs? The electric chair?

Carlton: Aunt Vi.
Vy: Oh, my goodness, aren't you handsome? And looking less and less like your daddy every day.
Carlton: Ouch. Run for cover, Dad.
Will: Where's he going to hide at?

Philip: Vy, this is Geoffrey. Geoffrey, my sister-in-law, Mrs. Smith.
Geoffrey: How do you do?
Vy: I'm fine, thank you.
Will: Mom, check this. [clears throat] Geoffrey, take my mom's bags to her room. [Vy slaps Will's head] Ow, Mom. What did I do?
Vy: You can take those bags yourself. That man is twice your age. Even though he doesn't look it. Well, at least take the heavy one. Now go on.
Will: But, Mom-
Vy: You heard me.
Geoffrey: After you, Master William.