Geoffrey: Another minute, madam, and perhaps we'll have a diamond.
Vivian: I don't know why Philip insisted on putting in all these new gadgets. To heat something up, I have to be Lt. Uhura of the Starship Enterprise.

Ashley: Takeout food again?
Vivian: Well, we were having leg of lamb but I accidentally put the oven on self-cleaning and now the door won't open.
Hilary: Takeout again?
Vivian: No, Hilary, I bought a new set of Styrofoam.
Carlton: Gosh, Mom, who put the rusty nails in your granola?
Vivian: Look, all this hi-tech has got me a little on edge. I'm so sorry, sweetie.
Philip: Takeout food again? What happened to the leg of lamb?
Vivian: It's being cleaned! Is that a problem?

Janice: Well, I was afraid you wouldn't approve.
Vivian: Janice, you do not need our approval. Are you sure this is what you want to do?
Janice: Vivian, there's not a doubt in my mind.
Vivian: Then I guess I better pick up some Barry Manilow for the reception.

Philip: So, you're home. So, is there anything, you know, new? Audition go okay?
Vivian: Oh, it was better than okay. It was great. They offered me one of the lead roles!
Will: That's great, Aunt Viv. Hold up. When's the cast party? I wanna sit next to that honey that was doing the splits.
Vivian: Hold it, guys. I am not gonna do the show. I turned down the part.
Philip: All right. I mean, if that's okay with you.
Vivian: Philip, for the last 20 years I have wondered if I could have made it as a dancer. And now I know I could have... twenty years ago. Boy, these have been the hardest three weeks of my life. There isn't a part of my body that isn't aching for Bengay. But I miss books. I miss my kids. And do you know what I miss the most?
Philip: [chuckles] What, honey?
Vivian: Häagen-Dazs Vanilla Swiss Almond.

Philip: Good morning, everyone.
Will: Hey, Aunt Viv, I'm telling you, if we band together we can take him.
Vivian: Leave him alone, honey, he's mine. Philip, baby if Mr. Goodwrench wants to visit Mrs. Toolbox he'd better get Mr. Water running.
Philip: Carlton, get the yellow pages.

Vivian: Philip, when Will gets here, please be nice. Otherwise, you're going to be bunking with Mr. Couch.
Philip: Woman, please do you think that you can manipulate me with sex? [laughs]
Vivian: Does James Brown have a perm?

Vivian: Will, honey, you and Carlton will look out for each other, won't you?
Will: Come on, absolutely, Aunt Viv. We got each other's back.
Vivian: Great, great, great. You two just be careful. There are a lot of sick, demented perverts out there.
Jazz: [enters] Greetings, all.
Vivian: Hello, Jazz.

Philip: Well, the secret to a successful cookout is flame control.
Janice: Remember the last barbecue we were at? We were on the Jersey Shore protesting that toxic dump.
Philip: Oh, is that why that chicken tasted so funny?
Janice: We formed a human chain and kept the trucks out. Oh, remember?
Philip: Of course I remember. You were wearing that calico halter-top.
Janice: You know, I still have that halter-top.
Vivian: Philip, the fire's getting a little too hot. [sprays Philip with water] There, that's better.
Philip: Vivian, that was extremely childish.
Vivian: Childish? You are the one who is gawking over this woman in our own backyard.
Philip: She is an old friend. You cannot fault me for being friendly.
Vivian: Saint Bernards are friendly. But even they don't slobber as much as you.

Philip: Uh, Vivian, would you take Nicky upstairs, please?
Vivian: You're not gonna hit him, are you? Because I don't wanna miss that.
Philip: No, I'm not gonna hit him.
Vivian: Lou, if you walk out of Will's life now, don't you ever come back.

Vivian: Black American history, gentlemen from Africa, to slavery, to the present. Now, we've all heard of Frederick Douglass, Martin Luther King and Booker T. Washington. But Black history includes a lot of people whose names and faces aren't remembered today. Now, how many of you have heard the spirituals sung by the slaves?
Will: [raises hand] Uh, I have.
Vivian: Now listen to this: [sings] Follow the drinking gourd Follow the drinking gourd Follow the drinking gourd For the old man's waitin' for To carry me to freedom
Kellogg: That was pretty cool.
Vivian: Now, what do you suppose the purpose of that song was?
Will: Uh, let me handle this one. For those of you unfamiliar with the spirituals allow me to explain. The slaves used to sing them to keep their spirits up and their minds on God in the face of all the oppression that they suffered.
Vivian: That was very well put, Mr. Smith, but you're wrong.
Will: I beg your pardon?
Vivian: That song was written to be used as a secret code of the Underground Railroad.