Will: Jazz, would you relax, man.
Jazz: Can't help myself, Will. Not with Jewel due any minute.
Philip: Oh, is she pregnant too?
Jazz: Of course not. I have the deepest respect for her, Mr. Banks. She's a class act.
Ashley: Somebody wants to know where the bride is registered.
Jazz: Gillespie Liquors.

Vivian: Don't mind him. We are very happy to have you in our home.
Jewel: Thanks, and I guess it's true what they say: Can't buy good taste.
Vivian: Hey.
Jewel: Now, which one is the desperately stuck-up, self-centered clothes horse?
Hilary: Guilty.

Philip: What's on your mind, Will?
Will: Uh... Jewel kissed me.
Philip: It's customary to kiss the bride.
Will: No, no, no. Uncle Phil, this was like one of them Fatal Attraction elevator-scene kisses. You know what I'm saying? You know?
Philip: Oh, come on, you're exaggerating, Will.
Will: Listen, Uncle Phil, I'm telling you. I went up to the room to see if she needed anything. She kissed me on my lips. She jumped on me and she was stuck on me. And I was trying to shake her off, but I couldn't. She was like a little naked Velcro midget.

Will: What am I gonna do, Uncle Phil?
Philip: Guess you've only got two choices. You can either tell Jazz or not.
Will: And you're a judge, right?
Philip: Look, maybe this story will help you. You know, when I was younger, I was a pretty sexy guy.
Will: If you're not gonna take this seriously, Uncle Phil...
Philip: Do you wanna hear this story? Okay. I was driving home from a party with my buddy and his girlfriend and my buddy fell asleep. Next thing I know, she leans across and fastens my seat belt. You know what I'm saying?
Will: Please don't do that, Uncle Phil.

Philip: Dearly beloved-
Hilary: Stop the wedding! You can't marry her, Jazz.
Jazz: We're not cousins, are we?
Philip: Hilary, what's the meaning of this?
Hilary: I'm in love with him. [audience gasps] Oh, my God. What am I saying? I'm gonna go lie down.

Jewel: Will, I've never met anybody who cares for me as much as Jazz does. You know, whenever we go to a nice restaurant, he carries my tray. And when it's time to skip out on the check he always holds open the bathroom window for me.
Will: Well, that's Jazz for you.
Jewel: Can't you see? I don't deserve a man like him. I mean, look what he's done for me. Beautiful wedding gown getting married in a Bel-Air mansion. Do you know where my mama was married?
Will: No, where?
Jewel: I don't know. I was hoping you did.
Will: Jewel, believe me when I tell you, you and Jazz are made for each other. Listen, trust me, I've known Jazz a long time and you are the best thing to ever happen to him.
Jewel: Will, I'm scared. What if it doesn't work out?
Will: It will.
Jewel: But what if it doesn't?
Will: It will.
Jewel: But what if it doesn't?
Will: It will! Now get in there and marry that boy.

Philip: The bride and groom have prepared their own vows. Jazz.
Jazz: You're one jewel I never wanna hock. Sometimes I wanna bite you to see if you're really real. If love was craps, you'd be a seven. If it was on the first roll. But if it was on the second roll, and the point was six, you'd be a six. No, actually, you'd be a nine because I'd play the field on the second roll, make a couple of extra bucks. Then you'd be a six on the third roll, and then I'd clean up. I think you know what I'm trying to say. I love you, and you make me feel lucky.
Philip: And now, Jewel.
Jewel: I love you, Jazzy, and I wanna be with you always. Thank you for setting this little jailbird free body, mind and spirit.
Jazz: Baby, I love you.

Jazz: Hey, my brother. I just came back from the free clinic, and guess what I got?
Will: What, man?
Jazz: The phone number of those two nurses we met.
Will: Yo, the twins that sleep in the same bed?
Jazz: With some luck, we can put an end to that streak.
Will: You the man. Oh, hey, Phillipe, I need you to cover my next shift. Actually, cover my next three shifts. You know how demanding twins can be.
Jazz: Yes, my brother, it's gonna be some night. Oh, wait. I just remembered, I can't go.
Will: Well, why not?
Jazz: I'm getting married.

Will: There she is, Jewel Robertson, number 54820 out of Folsom Prison. Crime, grand theft auto. Time served, two years. Let's take a look at the videotape.

Ashley: Well, I'm happy for Jazz. I think it is so romantic.
Carlton: I give it three weeks.
Philip: The marriage or her parole? [laughs]