Ashley: I'm really glad you're living here, Will.
Will: Thanks, Ash.
Ashley: You're like the big brother I never had.
Will: Well, what are you talking about? You got Carl- Oh, you're right. I see your point.

Philip: Where is he?
Vivian: He's upstairs changing.
Philip: Not Will. President Reagan.
Vivian: You didn't?
Philip: What do you mean, I didn't?
Vivian: You invited him again.
Philip: Well, why not? He's our neighbor.
Vivian: Philip, he's turned down the last 16 invitations. When are you gonna take a hint?
Philip: Maybe I should call his house.
Vivian: Philip, don't. I don't want him here.
Philip: Why not?
Vivian: Because he'll bring her.

Philip: Oh, my God!
Vivian: Philip. Philip, don't make a big thing out of it. If this is how he feels comfortable. He's not killing anybody. Aren't you going to introduce Will? Introduce him.
Philip: Well, Steve, David, Henry. This is Will, my nephew by marriage. Will, these are my partners in the law firm of Furth, Winn and Meyer.
Will: Hey, Earth, Wind & Fire! When's your next album coming out?
Vivian: Oh, Will is going to go to Bel-Air Academy with Carlton.
Man: Oh, good for you, Will. I used to fence at Bel-Air.
Will: Really? How much do you think we could get for that stereo?

Will: Hey, Uncle Phil! Oh, man! How are you doing?
Geoffrey: I am not your uncle Philip.
Will: Oh, uh, my fault, man. I must have got the wrong crib. Hey, I didn't know there were so many brothers living in this neighborhood. We're doing all right, huh?
Geoffrey: You have the right house. I am Geoffrey, your uncle's butler.
Will: [British accent] Okay, well, l... Cheerio and all that rot. Bring the horses round, would you?

Geoffrey: If you will follow me, I will show you to your room, Master William.
Will: Hey, man, it's cool if you just call me Will.
Geoffrey: Master William... tradition dictates that a clean, unbreakable line be drawn between a family and their butler. Therefore, it is necessary for the operation of a household that you address me as Geoffrey and I, in turn, address you by your proper title: Master William.
Will: Who are you, Robo-butler, man?

Vivian: Oh, my goodness, let me look at you. Turn around. Honey, the last time we saw you, you were this funny little boy. Now look at you. Oh, my goodness, you are a man.
Will: Well, that was the plan.
Philip: It is amazing. You certainly have grown, Will.
Will: Well, we all have. [pats Uncle Phil's stomach]
Vivian: Did you enjoy the trip?
Will: Oh, yo, the plane ride was stupid. All the way first-class-
Philip: Excuse me?
Will: No, I'm saying the plane was dope-
Philip: Excuse me?
Will: No. Stupid, dope. Oh, no, that doesn't mean what you. How would he say. [geeky voice] The flight was really neat.

Philip: I see they brought your tuxedo. Tell me something, Will. Have you ever attended a formal dinner before?
Will: You know, other than that thing at Buckingham Palace, no.
Philip: The important thing to remember is to just relax, enjoy yourself and when in doubt, do whatever Carlton's doing.

Philip: From the minute you came, you've been a one-man wrecking crew trying to tear down what's taken a lot of hard work to build up, skewering everything with your flippant shenanigans!
Will: Hey, man, I was with you up till ''skewering.''
Philip: You know what I'm talking about. You deliberately tried to embarrass me tonight and I don't get it. Your aunt and I went through a lot of trouble to bring you here. This is the thanks we get?
Will: Man, I ain't asked to come here. Everyone's talking about shipping me off, and dressing me up and changing me into something I don't wanna be.
Philip: Nobody wants to change you.
Will: You told me yourself, I got to straighten out. ''And when in doubt, act as Carlton acts.'' Man, I don't wanna be like Carlton. I mean, I'm a joker. I play around. I have fun.
Philip: Mmm-hmm. Being a joker is what's gotten you into trouble. Now, you may think it's cool to be on the streets when you're 17 but when you're my age, it's a waste.
Will: Yo, I can't think that far ahead.
Philip: That's your problem. You can't take anything seriously.

Will: Hey, could you do me a favor?
Ashley: Sure.
Will: I seem to be missing a Walkman. So if it shows up anywhere, like, I don't know, on your head, maybe maybe you could get that to me.
Ashley: Sorry. Dad won't let me get one.
Will: How come?
Ashley: He says he wants to hear everything I'm listening to. You know, to make sure it's not bad.
Will: Well, what record does he think is good?
Ashley: He really, really likes the Care Bears.
Will: Look, Ash, from time to time, your father's gonna say or do things that may seem irrational or hard for you to understand. You know, it's not because he's mean, or a bad guy, or that he doesn't care about you. It's that he's from Mars, Ashley.

Geoffrey: Sir, do you require anything further of me?
Philip: No, Geoffrey.
Geoffrey: Then I shall retire.
Will: Man, he took that hard.