Geoffrey: What can I get for you, madam?
Vivian: Geoffrey, I've got a proposition for you.
Geoffrey: Oh, perhaps if we were both younger, and I didn't work for you.
Vivian: Not that kind of proposition, Geoffrey. I will give you $50 to drive me over a set of railroad tracks.

Vivian: Wait a minute, where's Helen?
Vy: Oh, well, she couldn't come. She had to go to court with Lester.
Vivian: Well, I thought the divorce was final months ago.
Janice: That's right and everything was going so well until she saw Lester with another woman and that's when she snatched off the wig.
Vivian: She snatched off the woman's wig?
Janice: No, Lester's.

All: Stop with the damn bell!
Janice: That's it, I'm never going back up there again.
Philip: I'm sorry I ever went up there in the first place.
Janice: I took her some honey for her tea. She tells me she does not want honey from California. She wants honey from New Mexico.
Vy: Oh, please. Diva needs to get her butt out of Bel-Air a little more often.
Will: If it get any bigger, it'll be in and out of Bel-Air at the same time.

Vy: Oh, Hilary, this is great. I really needed this.
Hilary: I know, and some electrolysis wouldn't hurt you, either.
Janice: This could get ugly. We're family.
Carlton: Aren't you guys finished yet?
Hilary: Carlton, Aunt Vy is getting a makeover. It could take hours.
Vy: Am I wearing a "kick me" sign?

Philip: Will, we gotta get that phone.
Will: Look, Uncle Phil, just ask him nice.
Philip: No, after what I did to him, he's never going to let me use it.
Will: Well... You know, I'm coming straight out the hood, right? All right, where I come from when we want something, we step up on it and take it. Observe.
[later:]
Will: [sings] Please, can I use your phone? Look, man, if you don't let me use your phone I'm gonna start singing Paula Abdul's greatest hits.

Vivian: [o.s.] Philip!
Philip: Vivian.
Vivian: Philip!
Philip: [o.s.] Vivian!
Will: Wilma!

Philip: He's adorable. Hello, little Nicholas Andrew Banks.
Vivian: Honey, I thought we agreed to call him Philip.
Hilary: Ugh, that's a stupid name.
Vy: Why don't we name him after Daddy? Eli.
Vivian: Great.
Philip: No, over my dead body.
Will: Let's name him Rufus.
Carlton: How about Brock?
Will: Shazam!

Carlton: That girl wanted me, Aunt Janice.
Janice: Carlton, when a woman says, "Drop dead, troll" it usually means she's not interested. Now, come on.
Carlton: I'll call you.

Philip: [o.s.] Get up. Hurry, everybody, get up!
Will: [o.s.] Yo, what's the matter, Uncle Phil? [screams]
Philip: [o.s.] Calm down, Will, calm down. It's Vivian, she's having the baby.
Will: [o.s.] That ain't what's scaring me. You ain't got no drawers on!

Hilary: Mother, are you all right? Of course you're not all right. You're having a baby. Oh, I think I'm going to be sick.
Vivian: Hilary, sweetie, come here. Having a baby is very spiritual. This is my last baby and I am never going to experience this miracle again. Oh, here comes another contraction. [groans] [squeezes Hilary's hand] Why, that wasn't so bad. Hilary, honey, don't be so dramatic.
Hilary: My hand.