‘That's No Lady, That's My Cousin’
Season 3, Episode 3 - Aired September 28, 1992
After Philip and Vivian break the news that they're expecting, they ask Hilary to move out of the house. Meanwhile, Ashley has her first day at a new school as Bel-Air Prep goes co-ed.
Quote from Ashley
Ashley: Mom, I look dorky.
Vivian: Oh, honey, you look adorable. You're just nervous about your first day at a new school, but don't be, come on. You're going to make a lot of new friends.
Ashley: What if no one likes me?
Will: Just do what Carlton does: Give them money.
Philip: Sweetheart, you're going to be all right. You have a wonderful personality.
Ashley: Oh, great, now I'm ugly.
Quote from Carlton
Carlton: Ah, this is a great day. Little Ashley joining me at Bel-Air Prep.
Ashley: Hey, I thought you asked Dad to send me to public school.
Carlton: Merely a trial balloon. The fact remains that I love you. But if we run into each other at school, act like we've never met. Don't acknowledge me, don't talk to me, act like I'm invisible.
Will: And if you're not sure how, just do what all the other girls do.
Carlton: Look, I'm serious. This is my senior year, and I don't want you tagging along. I've worked too hard at becoming popular.
Will: And any day now, it's going to kick in, right?
Carlton: Darn tooting.
Quote from Will
Will: Hey, look. I just think it's about time Bel-Air Prep went coed. There's going to be cute girls everywhere. Cute, rich girls that know the one thing their parents can't stand is for them to be dating a big Black dude.
Ashley: Will, can I hang out with you until I make some friends?
Will: Oh, yeah, sure, Ash. Just look for the huddle of girls with the chocolate center.
Quote from Will
Carlton: It's a disgrace. It's a scandal. It's an outrage! It's the mother of my children.
Will: Carlton, look. The way to make an impression is to relax, man. You got to be calm, chill out a little bit. Hurt me! Hurt me! What's up, baby?
Veronica: The name's Veronica.
Will: Veronica, I likes that.
Veronica: Great. Now, I can die.
Will: Hold up, baby. See now, I noticed you noticing me. So I just want to put you on notice that I noticed you, too.
Veronica: And?
Will: And to let you know that, you know, I might consider letting you be with me.
Veronica: Is that what passes for a compliment around here?
Will: Look, baby, listen.
Veronica: No, you listen. If you want a shot at being with me maybe you should try talking to me like a human being, okay? Got it?
Will: Actually, baby, you got it, but I take donations.
Quote from Will
Kenny: Dag, Will. You sure have a way with the ladies. Hey, man, what's your secret?
Will: Well, I would like to help you out, my brother. But, you know, it's a chemical thing.
Kenny: You drug them?
Will: No, no, no. Look, Kenny, it's instinct. Like, you know the old saying: "Those who can, do, those who can't, teach"? Well, I can and I do.
Kenny: Oh, that's deep, man.
Quote from Philip
Philip: So how was the first day at school?
Carlton: Way cool, grand hombre.
Will: Yo, Uncle Phil, it was booming, man. Tasties everywhere. I mean, big ones, small ones, short ones, tall ones ...
Philip: Black ones, brown ones, rich ones, poor ones, crazy ones. [sings] Spill the wine, dig that girl Spill the wine, dig that girl Spill the wine, dig that girl Spill the wine, dig that girl [talks] Well, your aunt and I used to... It's not important.
Quote from Philip
Philip: Hey, guys. Come on over here. You know, that reminds me of my freshman year at college. Now, for extra money, I had to work for the Princeton Daily. And my first assignment was to interview the town's most famous stripper, Boom Boom LaSalle.
Will: I wonder why they called her that?
Philip: For some reason, I don't know what, she kind of took a liking to me and so she invited me to go with her and her sister to their dressing room for drinks.
Will: You the man.
Philip: Anyway, one thing led to another and before I knew it, this old country boy... [Vivian slams the table] finished his Yoo-hoo and went right home.
Vivian: Wait a minute, Philip. Go back to where you finished your Yoo-hoo.
Quote from Carlton
Carlton: I'm telling you, she wants me. She senses my raw animal power and is incapable of turning away.
Will: She senses that big, wet, nasty blob of mayonnaise on your cheek and she can't eat till you wipe it off.
Carlton: Oh.
Quote from Carlton
Will: So, yo, you seen Ashley today?
Carlton: No.
Will: Me neither. I wonder where she at.
Carlton: I don't know and I don't care. As long as she doesn't try to sit with me again. It's kind of hard to impress the honeys when your baby sister's blowing bubbles in your milk.
Carlton: Wow. Will, check out the talent. She's cool! She's hot! She's...
Will: Your baby sister, man!
Carlton: [screams]
Quote from Ashley
Will: Yo, ease back, man, ease back.
Carlton: What do you think you're doing?
Ashley: Buzz off, short stuff.
Carlton: That's it, Ashley. I want you to... I'm ordering you to look unattractive.
Will: And, Ashley, who did you have for breakfast, some hormones or something?
Ashley: Beat it. I'm working the room.