Geoffrey: Oh, dear, I better go tend to Master Nicky.
Hilary: What? Geoffrey, you can't go now.
Geoffrey: But the baby needs me.
Hilary: He needs you? I'm the one with orthopedist coming to dinner. Geoffrey, I demand that you stay here and cook.
Geoffrey: No.
Hilary: Can you say that to me?
Geoffrey: Well, let's try it again. No. By George, I've got it. No, no.

Will: Okay, Junior Mac, listen. I think, it's time we had a little chat, mano a boyo.
Ashley: Will, what are you doing?
Bryan: Yeah, what's the problem?
Samantha: I think, the problem is something called a double standard.
Will: Well, wait, wait, hold up, baby, whose side you on?
Samantha: I'm on the side that would like to continue our date.
Ashley: And we would like to continue ours.
Bryan: I thought we was all having a good time.
Will: Don't you give me that innocent boy routine. I know that routine I invented that routine. I see right through you, you little dog. Oh, shame.

Bryan: Man, back off me, man. I just wanna have some fun.
Will: Fun? Does this look like a place to have fun? I don't think so. Ain't nobody gonna have no fun up in here. Not me, not you, not her...
Samantha: And definitely not me. Goodbye, Will.
Will: Whoa, baby, come back here What is her name?
Bryan: The word was out on your father, but who knew your whole family was crazy?
Ashley: Bryan, I'm so sorry.
Bryan: Ashley, if you ever run away from home, give me a call.
Ashley: Bryan, wait-
Will: Hey, let him go. Let him go, baby. And good riddance, you little Filthy McNasty.

Ashley: Look at me. I'm not the 11-year-old I was when you first moved to Bel-Air. Do you understand?
Will: Yeah, yeah, I do. Maybe we need to send you to an all-girls school, you know. Just so you keep your head on your studies. Ash- Ashley. Okay, that's twice. Ashley, Ashley, come back here. Come I ain't playing, girl. Come back here! And what are you looking at?

Hilary: Well, can you fix it or not?
Duane: Lady, this thing needs a whole new mess of parts. I'll have to come back tomorrow.
Hilary: Tomorrow? Don't you have, like, a spare stove in your truck?
Duane: I took it out when I put in the hot tub.
Hilary: Listen, you... Duane. I happen to have an orthopedist coming to dinner. It's Valentine's Day. Or wasn't there a sign or something in the trailer park?
Duane: Listen, you. The stove has to wait until tomorrow. But while I'm here, maybe I can adjust your attitude.

Duane: Problem?
Hilary: My date got called to the emergency room. Some old lady fractured her hip and broke her leg in five places. Do I have the worst luck or what?

Duane: You're not the only person who had things to do. I was supposed to go out clubbing with the Maytag repairman. He don't get out much, you know. That a smile? Was that a smile that I just saw? Oh, it looks really nice on you too. You know what? As long as neither of us are doing anything why don't we not do it together?
Hilary: Oh, well, that's very sweet, but how can I put this nicely? I'm too good for you.
Duane: I usually don't say this to a woman, but you know what? You're probably right. Happy Valentine's Day, pretty lady.
[Hilary gets up, runs over to the microwave and pulls the front door off]
Hilary: Duane? Do you fix microwaves?

Philip: Sweetheart, I work very hard to provide a good life for you and my family. And every night, I hold you in my arms, I kiss you goodnight. I don't need a holiday to tell you that I love you. I show you all year.
Vivian: Oh, Philip. Oh. [they kiss]
Philip: We're going to Paris on our anniversary.
Vivian: Philip. Oh, that's next week.
Philip: It is?

Carlton: Hey, a little less yelling and shouting, a little more humming and clapping.

Carlton: Hi, good evening, everyone, and welcome to rocking Valentine's Eve. Now I know, most of you are wondering two things: "How does he dress so well?" and " What is this thing called karaoke anyway?" Actually, karaoke has two definitions. Carry, as in carry a tune, and oke, as in okey-dokey, let the good times roll.