Carlton: Well, I'm all ready for Monte Carlo night. I've read this book cover to cover. Ask me about any odd combination.
Will: Okay, why is Michael Jackson hanging with that little boy from Home Alone?

Vivian: Philip, I'm sure Will just hasn't gotten around to returning the check yet.
Philip: Vivian, when I tell Will to do something I expect for it to be done.
Will: Hey, Aunt Viv! Uncle... Phil. Whoa, you got that mad look in your eyes. Let me guess. You grabbed Geoffrey's underwear by mistake, am I right?

Geoffrey: Something wrong, Miss Ashley?
Ashley: No. Everything's fine. [sighs]
Geoffrey: Spill it.
Ashley: Be honest. We're playing with cookies because you think I'm a kid, right?
Geoffrey: Well, yes.
Ashley: I'm 13! If these were the Middle Ages, I'd already be married and own a pair of oxen. I'm an adult. A young adult.
Geoffrey: I'll get my wallet.
Ashley: I'll get my Smurf bank.

Vivian: Will, this is a fundraiser for the L.A. Political Coalition. Everything cannot always be about fun.
Will: Hold up! What? Y'all gonna make me go?
Philip: Well, at least show up. If you're still unhappy after the first half hour, consider the rest of the evening punishment for something you've gotten away with.
Will: I'd rather be stranded at sea with David Duke leading the rescue party.

Philip: Well, we better be going. Good night, Geoffrey.
Geoffrey: Sir.
Philip: And, Ashley, sweetheart, I'll bring you home a stuffed Miss Piggy doll.
Ashley: Oh, joy. [to Geoffrey] Being 13 bites. And I'm too young to know what it bites.
Geoffrey: Perhaps biting into a freshly baked chocolate chip cookie would lift your spirits. I've poured you a nice cold glass of milk to go with it.
Ashley: [to herself] Why don't you just slap a diaper on me and hang a mobile over my head?
[As Ashley follows Geoffrey into the kitchen, she sees he has set up a poker table for her]
Ashley: Oh, Geoffrey! It's wonderful!
Geoffrey: Here is your ginger ale. Shaken, not stirred. I trust you won't be dancing on the table with a lamp shade on your head. Ante is one vanilla wafer. Table limit, four mint Milanos.

Philip: Well, Will, that was very commendable, but that's not what that money was raised for.
Will: Come on, Uncle Phil. You said I got a break and I was supposed to give somebody else a break so I gave the money to Ramon.
Vivian: He's right, Philip, you did say that.
Philip: I'll still donate $1,000 to L.A.P.C.
Will: Yeah, that's cool. But, looky here. Seeing as how you're in this extremely generous mood, I want to know if you was down with donating to the United Negro Nephew Fund. You know, they say a Saturday night is a terrible thing to waste.

Carlton: This is amazing! Did you know the odds of getting hit by an asteroid are one in 6,000?
Will: Really? I'm feeling kinda lucky, man. Why don't you go outside? "How to Beat the Odds"? Sorry, C., no way to beat it, you're odd.

Hilary: And, Will, you're gonna help with the cleanup.
Will: I ain't down with that old country club stuff, sitting around all night discussing mayonnaise with four White guys named Biff.
Carlton: Isn't Biff a riot?

Ramon: Time to go help Ma wash Mr. Steinberg's windows. Peace.
Will: Hey, be cool, babe.
Ramon: Oh, by the way, G, she told me to tell you hello.
Geoffrey: Really?
Ramon: No, I just wanted to watch the Earl Grey run through your veins. [exits]
Geoffrey: When we have children like that in England we encourage them to emigrate.

Vivian: Hilary, I just want to know what job I'll be doing so I can pick out an outfit.
Hilary: Mother, the ladies at the country club put me in charge of Monte Carlo Night because I don't play favorites.
Vivian: Well, just remember whose name is on your favorite credit card.
Hilary: "Vivian Banks: any job she wants."