Philip: I'll hunt that cricket if it's the last thing I do.
Geoffrey: His head will make a fine trophy, sir.

Philip: I can't stand it anymore. This chirping is boring a hole straight into my skull.
Geoffrey: There she blows, captain. By the table! By the table!
[Carlton screams as Uncle Phil charges by and pulls out the power cord to his laptop]
Philip: I got him. I killed that little sucker.
Vivian: Philip, stop charging about like a rogue elephant. You're lucky you didn't wake Nicky up.

Carlton: My paper. Thirty pages of genius gone.
Will: Oh, well. I guess sometimes that little hardworking head just gets squashed into a little black spot, huh? Ha. That's funny, ain't it? Listen, you did all this hard work, I didn't do anything and we're both in the same boat. [laughs]
Carlton: Except that my paper was optional.
Will: Optional?
Carlton: Yeah, I was only doing it to get in good with the professor. Oh, well, I guess I'll just have to bring him some cupcakes.

Will: Ding-dong, the cricket's dead Ashley's grounded Now you all go to bed

Ashley: Come on, Dad, 10 years? The Menendez brothers will be free before I am.
Philip: The Menendez brothers got home on time.

Carlton: So how'd the test go, Will?
Will: I got an 85.
Carlton: What? But you didn't even study. How could you have possibly learned everything you had to know about chemistry?
Will: Well, the only chemistry I needed was between me and the honey in the next seat. You know what I'm saying? Ha. You have a good winter.
Carlton: Wait a second, Will. You're not really gonna let people think you cheated?
Will: Yeah, I know. I know. You're right. You're right. [Will walks back] Ready?
Carlton: Yeah. So how'd the test go, Will?
Will: I failed.
Carlton: See, Will, you can't put studying off until the last minute.
Will: I know, I know, you're right. You know what? I'm gonna run to the library right now. And I'm not leaving until I learn everything to know about chemistry.
Carlton: That's the spirit.