Carlton: There's a hex on me. All the tuxes that are halfway acceptable in this town have been rented. My shoes, which I put outside for a final Scotchgarding were carried off by a Labrador retriever. What else could go wrong?
Will: How about that big old zit on your nose?
Carlton: [gasps]

Will: You know, I don't even know why I'm making such a big deal about this. She's not even my type.
Vivian: Well, you like the same movies, same music same food, same jokes and you both enjoy sticking straws up your noses.
Will: I know, Aunt Viv, but other than that we don't have nothing in common.
Vivian: It's her weight, isn't it? You may have noticed that your Uncle Philip is overweight. [Will shakes his head] And you may also have noticed that I could care less and that I love him very, very much.
Carlton: Dad changed his mind. He doesn't want a Belgian waffle. He wants you to use his new Sandwich King to make a chili-pocket sandwich.
Vivian: I'll put some chili in his pocket.

Vivian: Philip, if you ever want to stand up straight again you need some rest.
Philip: Okay, I'll just lay here and do nothing flat on my back.
[After Vivian leaves the room, Phil jumps out of bed]
Vivian: Philip, I'm so sorry if I was... stupid enough to think that there was something really wrong with you.
Philip: Vivian, it's a miracle. I can walk!

Will: Where'd you find him at? Rent-a-sucker?
Dee Dee: Look, I'm on a date, Will. You know, like when a guy who likes a girl, asks her out and they go somewhere and he still acts nice to her when they get there? You know, I do go on dates.
Will: Look, Dee Dee, I just thought that-
Dee Dee: You just thought that 'cause I'm not a size six, no one would ask me out. Well, not everyone feels like that. I mean that's just your hang-up, isn't it?
Will: Dee Dee, listen. I really like you a lot, all right?
Dee Dee: You really like being with me as long as no one thinks you're with me. I mean, I'm sorry, but that's just not good enough for me.

Will: You know, Dee Dee I never thought I'd have you in bed on the first night.
Dee Dee: Well, I can honestly say this is the first time I've ever done this.
Man: [on TV] This clever device is probably...
Philip: I can't believe we didn't get in on that abdominizer.
Vivian: Well, that's because you couldn't decide between the chocolate gavel and the picture of the dogs playing poker.
Geoffrey: Will you two be quiet? I'm trying to hear the musical toilet seat.
Carlton: It's 12:01. Thank God this day is over. I look like I escaped from the '70s. I've spent the whole night with two guys who consider picking their faces a hobby, and I got a flat tire on the way home. I just want to sit down and pretend this never happened. And if one more thing happens to me, I'm gonna kill myself. [the bed collapses]

Vivian: I can't feel it yet, Philip.
Philip: Move a little to the right, baby.
Will: [loudly] I'm about to go downstairs to the family room. Gee, I hope there ain't nobody down there getting busy.
Philip: Will, your aunt thought her earring rolled under the couch.
Will: Look, man, y'all are married. Where y'all put your earrings is your business.

Will: Yo, what's up, Uncle Phil? Hey, yo, the game was live, man. The Sixers crushed the Lakers. I never heard so much rough language in my life.
Philip: Was Dee Dee offended?
Will: No, only when they told her to shut up. You know, Dee Dee is real cool, though, man. She's coming over tomorrow. We gonna listen to some tapes.
Philip: Oh, sounds like you two are getting along.
Will: Yeah.
Philip: Why don't you ask her to the dance?
Will: [laughs] [both laugh] You're clowning me, right, Uncle Phil? No, but look, man, I'm telling you, Dee Dee is real down and everything, but you know how it would be to take somebody to the dance that's real big. On sports, big... Yeah, well, look, I already asked Claudia anyway almost.

Hilary: I came to keep you company. Where's the remote?
Philip: Ow. Oh, darling, there's nothing on TV to stimulate the intelligent mind.
Will: Uncle Phil, you must be tripping, man. This is the episode of Star Trek where Captain Kirk sleeps with that green girl.
Hilary: Will, that is such worthless drivel. Oh look, the home-shopper's channel.
Man: [on TV] So with the Sandwich King all you need is two pieces of white bread and a can of delicious chili.
And in less than a minute you have a mouthwatering chili-pocket. You gourmets may want to squirt a little cheese on top.
Will: Yuck. Man, I haven't heard of nothing that disgusting since Clarence Thomas found that hair on his cola.

Will: I'm finished with my hoagie, Aunt Viv. I'm gonna go meet Dee Dee for a pizza.
Vivian: Dee Dee? ls that who you're taking to the dance?
Will: Oh, no, no, no, Aunt Viv. See, it's not like that with me and Dee Dee. We're just buddies. I'm going with Claudia Prescott. Mmm. That girl's built to take all of my money.
Ashley: I like Dee Dee. She's fun.
Hilary: And she's cute. But I'm worried about her cholesterol level.

Kellogg: Good work, bro. She's quite a fly sister.
Cartwell: Yeah, and I bet she's tons of fun.
Will: You know, as a matter of fact, she is.
Kellogg: Hey, good honey is hard to find.
Alex: Of course, that one would be hard to lose.
Will: Cornflake, remind me to talk about them guy's mothers when we get to school on Monday.