Vivian: Well, yes. Mr. Spiegel. Won't you try one of our crab puffs? I got the recipe from our favorite little bistro in Paris, Le Bistro.
Geoffrey: Actually, madam, I got it from the Gary Coleman Cookbook. Hope you like short ribs. [oven timer dings] Ah, I hear the little guys now.

Will: [childlike voice] You like seafood?
Carlton: Of course.
Will: See, food. [opens mouth]

Carlton: I need something that rings. Oh, I know, the oven timer. Oh, H-E-double-toothpicks.
Carlton: Geoffrey, do you have anything with bells on it?
Geoffrey: Why, certainly, Master Carlton. I just happen to have a trolley in my trousers.

Carlton: Simon says, "Freeze." That's it. Little boys who don't behave go to the pool house.
Will: Make me. [laughs]
Carlton: My pleasure, you little rug rat.
Will: Ooh, ooh. Stop, I'm gonna tell. Stop, I'm gonna tell. Help! Help!
Carlton: That's it. You're on a time out, mister. Now, come on. You're sitting in the comer.
Philip: What the hell is going on in here?
Carlton: He can't talk to you, Dad, he's in time out.

Philip: I don't care what kind of shenanigans you two are trying to pull here.
Carlton: We're not pulling anything, Dad. Will's been hypnotized. He'll snap out of it if I find a bell, but I can't find one to ring.
Philip: I'll ring your head like a bell if you don't get in there.

Vivian: When I first read the brochure for Considine School, I knew it was the perfect-
Will: Somebody wanna hear a joke?
Vivian: Excuse me, Will, I'm talking here. So I decided-
Will: Okay. What's the most musical part of your body?
Mr. Spiegel: I don't know.
Will: Your nose because you can pick it and blow it. [laughs]

Will: Excuse me, mister, I'll shine your head for a nickel.

Carlton: I found a bell. [rings]
Will: [normal voice] What the hell is in those crab puffs?

Vivian: Philip, you'll never guess what happened. The Crescent Rock School called, they've accepted Nicky.
Philip: Oh, that's wonderful.
Will: Oh, put it there, my man.
Both: Pssh!
Vivian: They said it was his sincerity that impressed them the most. They liked that he was just being himself.
Nicky: That's what Will told me to do.
Will: Oh, you preach it there, little bro. That's what I'm talking about. You know, it just seems to me that there might be a cash gift involved here somewhere, I don't know. Well, I'll settle for just a hearty handshake. Psh, psh. All right, bro.

Philip: Don't push it.
Will: All right, come on, Uncle Phil. I know you're not still mad at me about last night. I was hypnotized. I couldn't help it.
Philip: No, I suppose not. I guess weak-willed individuals like you are just susceptible to that kind of mental manipulation. [doorbell rings] [Philip barks]
Will: Hey, hey, hey. Look, I'll walk him, but somebody else gonna have to pooper scoop.