Vivian: This is the way it's supposed to be. One big happy family.
Will: Hey, look, Uncle Phil, man, I just wanna say again how sorry-
Philip: Enough, enough said, Will. Enough. Let's just put it all behind us. What's done is done. I just wanna sit here and watch a little TV.
Jay Leno: [on TV] Anybody see the Hilary show the other day? They had a dismissed juror from the Show-Biz Madam Case insulting Judge Banks, who just happens to be Hilary's father. Boy, here's a family that really puts the "fun" back in dysfunctional, isn't it? Speaking of Judge Banks, we have a special tribute to him tonight. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome The Dancing Phils.
Philip: That's it! I've had enough!
Will: But, wait-
Hilary: Daddy-
Philip: No, no. Just go. Just go. Please. Go!
Will: Now, wait, wait a minute. Now, you wait one minute, Uncle Phil. Now, I didn't wanna have to do this but you brought this on yourself. [Will lipsyncs] And I am telling you I'm not going Even though the rough times are showing There's just no way, there's no way Tear down the mountains Yell, scream and shout You can say what you want I'm not walking out Stop all the rivers, push, strike and kill I'm not gonna leave you There's no way I will And I am telling you I'm not going You're the best man I'll ever know There's no way I can ever, ever go No, no, no, no way No, no, no, no way I'm living without you Oh, I'm not living without you Not living without you I don't wanna be free I'm staying I'm staying And you, and you, and you You're gonna You're gonna love me

Philip: That is enough. I have never been so embarrassed in my entire life. And to think the two people responsible for it are my own family. My own flesh and blood.
Will: Um... Technically, Uncle Phil, I'm not really your flesh and blood. See, my Mom and Aunt Viv, they... I see where you going with this though.
Philip: Do you?
Will: Oh, yeah, I can see. Pssh-pssh!
Philip: Then tell me, what is it? Haven't I done enough for you? Taking you into my home, huh? Treated you with respect. Maybe I did something to hurt you, is that it?
Will: No. Come on, Uncle Phil. No. No, that's not it.
Philip: Then why?
Will: I don't- I don't know.
Philip: And you my own daughter. My first-born. [sighs] I don't know if there's a knife that could cut as deeply.

Hilary: Hello and welcome to Hilary. We're very excited today to have as our guest recently dismissed juror from the Show-Biz Madam Trial, George Howlings. Welcome.
George: Thank you. Thank you so much.
Hilary: Well, I guess what we're all dying to know is why you were dismissed.
George: Well, you know, they told the press I was writing a book, but that's not it.
Hilary: Oh? Tell us what it really was.
George: Well, they said I was crazy, but I'm not crazy. But you wanna know who is crazy? Maybe I shouldn't say this on TV.
Hilary: Oh, come on, George. Just between you and me, who was crazy?
George: That lard-butt of a judge. That man is crazy as they come. What does it take to become a judge these days? Now, if you ask me, that man was very incompetent. Couldn't judge a beauty pageant. About as useless as a no-mouthed dog at a Frisbee contest. If I ever see him, I'll lower him like a cheap carpet. And it looked to me, he dozed off every now and then.
Hilary: George-
George: Probably dreaming about that bony-legged prosecutor. I think they got something going on. Ain't that right, Will Smith?