Will: Man, it was the most horrifying thing I had ever seen.
[flashback:]
Will: [screams] Uncle Phil. Hey, man, what you doing here?
Philip: What am I doing here? What am I doing here? [chuckling] Well, son, I'll tell you what I'm doing here. You see, years ago I fell in love with and married a wonderful woman named Vivian. Vivian had a sister named Vy.
Vy gave birth to a child named Will whose sole purpose in life has been to make mine a living hell. Now, you've done a lot to me over the last four years, but how you managed to have me ripped out of my wonderful life in Bel-Air and relocated to this landfill boggles my mind. What do you have to say for yourself?
Will: Is that a toupee?
Philip: Yes, it's a toupee. It's a part of my new identity. You see what you do to me? Now, where's the bathroom?
Will: It's right through that door.
Philip: It leads outside.
Will: Oh, yeah, I know. You better take this broomstick. There's something living in there.

Will: [v.o.] O'Neill escaped by bowling over nine agents and a DEA dog. My life was in danger so they put me in witness protection in Deliverance, Alabama. They hooked me up with a new life and a new name.
Will: Floyd Palmer? Hey, look, no. Uh-uh. Come on. I'm more like a Malcolm Akbar Mustafa.
Agent Moore: It's taken.
Will: Wait, wait, whoa, whoa, hold up. Come on. I'm a city boy. You know, I got to get out to: I gotta get out to the club and get my little groove on. Talk some jazz. Got me?
Agent Moore: Well, the nearest town is Hatred, Mississippi. I can check if there's dancing.

Will: [v.o.] See, my moms won the WDAS-FM Back To Africa Contest. She spotted anything culturally wrong in The Lion King.
Both: Mmm.
Laqueesha: I will see you later.
Will: Little did she know that's the last time she'd see me.
Jazz: [v.o.] Your woman was murdered?
Will: [v.o.] Can I finish?
Jazz: [v.o.] My fault, go ahead.