Philip: So I'm at an anti-war rally getting ready to burn my draft card and Janice offers me a light.
Hilary: I am so against war. I mean, there's death and destruction... and they preempt your favorite programs. I remember during Desert Storm, trying to find Knots Landing...

Philip: Well, the secret to a successful cookout is flame control.
Janice: Remember the last barbecue we were at? We were on the Jersey Shore protesting that toxic dump.
Philip: Oh, is that why that chicken tasted so funny?
Janice: We formed a human chain and kept the trucks out. Oh, remember?
Philip: Of course I remember. You were wearing that calico halter-top.
Janice: You know, I still have that halter-top.
Vivian: Philip, the fire's getting a little too hot. [sprays Philip with water] There, that's better.
Philip: Vivian, that was extremely childish.
Vivian: Childish? You are the one who is gawking over this woman in our own backyard.
Philip: She is an old friend. You cannot fault me for being friendly.
Vivian: Saint Bernards are friendly. But even they don't slobber as much as you.

Hilary: I have the greatest news. You know Al Riggins, the talk-show host?
Will: Yeah.
Hilary: Well, he's in a coma and they want me to test as his replacement. My horoscope was right. This is my lucky day.
Ashley: Hilary, aren't you even a little concerned?
Hilary: Oh, I'm plenty concerned. My competition is anchorwoman Mara Lopez. And you know how they favor those minority people.
Will: Maybe science can just come get her brain now.