Carlton: It's not unusual To have dad be proud of me It's not unusual 'Cause I love conformity And when I see dad hangin' with Will instead of me It's not unusual to see me cry I wanna die
Tom Jones: It's not unusual to mess up at any time And when I see you so down and out It's such a crime
Carlton: Did you ever wanna be loved by anyone And then you let them down I blew it yesterday My trust fund's gone away
Tom Jones: My friend it happens all the time And life will never do
Carlton: What you want it to
Tom Jones: Don't give yourself Such a hard time

Carlton: What happened, and where's Mom?
Tom Jones: Well, without you, your family was defenseless against Will. You see, they started to focus on happiness instead of success. Your mother ran away with the milkman, your father quit his practice to paint, Ashley does nothing but dance all day, and Hilary just does her hair. Well, maybe not everything changed.
Carlton: But they're not making any money. I mean, so what if they're happy? I mean, how are they going to afford this house our cars, our club memberships?
Tom Jones: Well, they can't. They're gonna lose it all. Happiness has ruined them.
Carlton: I've gotta save them. I've got to teach them about greed and social climbing, and how to claim your dog as a dependent.
Tom Jones: Now that's the Carlton I know. Maestro. [sings] It's not unusual To feel bad at any time It's not unusual To feel sad at any time
Carlton: But if I ever am in a jam at any time
Tom Jones: It's not unusual To find that I am there for you Whoa whoa oh whoa oh Oh Whoa oh Whoa whoa whoa whoa Whoa Oh Oh Alright Oh yeah

Ed: Mr. Carlton Banks?
Carlton: Yo, what's up? [breaks Rubik's cube] Sorry.
Ed: That's all right. I've been looking through your transcript, Mr. Banks.
Carlton: Oh, you don't have to call me Mr. Banks. My posse calls me Rap Master C.
Ed: Excuse me?
Carlton: [raps] Rap Master is my name. Ask me again and I'll tell you the same. [beatboxes] Didn't mean to dis you, can I get you a tissue? [beatboxes]
Ed: So, Rap Master I noticed that you are the treasurer of your young Republican Club.
Carlton: Three years running. But enough about that Bugie stuff. Let me teach you how to vogue. Strike a pose.
Ed: Mr. Banks, are you on some sort of medication?
Carlton: Let me teach you how to wear a hat.
Ed: Mr. Banks, please. Mr. Banks, you're nothing like what I expected.
Carlton: I'm not?
Ed: Your scores are topnotch and your grades couldn't be better.
Carlton: They are.
Ed: Unfortunately, at this time Princeton doesn't accept the clinically insane. Next!