Nurse Bonnie: Doctor, the patient in 214 is not responding to the medication. What should I do?
Will: Um... Well, Nurse, I'd run a KGB and an NAACP. If he still doesn't respond give him an upper Gl Joe.
Nurse Bonnie: I've got to get my real estate license.
Will: [over the PA] Oh. 1-Adam-12, 1-Adam-12. Uh, they got some free ice cream and cake in the cafeteria.

Vivian: Hello. I'm Vivian Banks. I believe my nephew, Will Smith has been assigned to this room.
Nurse Petty: Smith? Oh, yes. Tonsillectomy, tomorrow morning. All righty. And where is our brave little soldier?
Will: I keep telling you, I ain't sick. I'm not sick.
Vivian: Sweetheart, now you know what Dr. Bennett said. Those tonsils have just got to come out. Now there's no reason to be afraid.
Will: Oh, who are you kidding? Why do you think they wear masks? So they can't be identified. And why do you think they knock you out? So you don't see them drinking margaritas over your open stomach.

Carlton: Will, this might be a good time for you to put your John Hancock on this.
Will: "l, Will Smith, being of sound mind, do hereby bequeath." Yo, what the hell is this?
Carlton: It's your peace of mind, my friend. Let's say you die. Do you want just anyone to get their hands on that $323 and 15 cents you have hidden under your LL Cool J hat?
Will: I ain't think about it like that. Can I see that, Carlton?
Carlton: Sure, Will. [Will hits Carlton over the head with the document]