Geoffrey: You know, sir, the Earl of Cranbrook to whom I was in service for several years suffered from the most severe headaches.
Philip: And you're saying these were caused by some sort of stress?
Geoffrey: I should very much doubt it. He spent his days riding to the hounds, and his evenings attending rather pleasant dinner parties with his delightful wife, Lady Celia. Now, she was a terribly good snooker player, one of the best. One night, she bet-
Philip: Geoffrey. Where does the stress come in?
Geoffrey: Well, it certainly doesn't in Lord Cranbrook's case. I never saw a calmer household.
Philip: Then what was the point of the story?
Geoffrey: Sheer entertainment, sir.

Philip: You will drive her to her class, you will wait for her there, and you will bring her home.
Will: Oh, come on, man, I got to sit through a hour of them scratchy violins?
Philip: Will, you might learn something.
Will: Yeah, the same thing I learned from banging my head against a pole: Don't do it again.
Philip: This is your new job. Wednesdays you are Ashley's driver. Understood?
Will: Yes'm. I'll be more than happy to drive you to the Piggly Wiggly, Miss Daisy.

Philip: Practice is over, Will. Ashley, honey, it's teatime.
Jazz: Ooh, tea. Biscuits!
Philip: Geoffrey, put on our teatime music, please. You'll love this, honey. It's Brandenburg Concertos.
Will: Jazz, hit me with some sugar, man.
[Jazz throws a sugar cube across the table into Will's tea cup]
Will: How about a little milk?
Ashley: No, I'll get it.
Jazz: [holding a spoon] I thought this was sterling. It's got that certain weight to it.
[Geoffrey takes the spoon out of Jazz's hand]
Philip: Yes. This is my favorite part. Ashley, honey, this is possibly the most beautiful music ever written. Would someone turn it up for me, please?
Will: Jazz, crank it up for me.
Philip: Yes. Listen, darling. Listen to the violins. Beautiful. The oboes will be coming next.
[After Jazz starts "scratching" the record like a DJ, he is thrown out of the house]