Geoffrey: Your sandwich, sir.
Philip: Thank you, Geoffrey. What is this?
Geoffrey: Tofu and rice cakes. I tried to warn you. Mrs. Banks has run amok.
Philip: Geoffrey. Geoffrey. Now, if you'll go to my office and look in my desk...
Geoffrey: Gone, sir.
Philip: My pimento loaf?
Geoffrey: I'm afraid so, sir.
Philip: But I still have some bologna in the...
Geoffrey: She got that too, sir.

Carlton: And in conclusion, if you follow these steps as I have outlined then I guarantee you'll be successful. [applause] Thank you.
Student #1: You still haven't told us what you do.
Carlton: Well, I was previously in expeditious comestible management. And, um, currently, I'm overseeing a myriad of options.
Student #2: Do you even have a job?
Carlton: Well, strictly speaking, I-
Student #3: He's a bum just like my Uncle Eddie.
Student #4: Excuse me, sir. Are you really a bum?
Carlton: Back off, sister.
Student #1: You got an attitude problem.
Carlton: Damn right I've got attitude. Just wait till you grow up. You'll see how tough it is. There are sharks out there and you're all little guppies waiting to be devoured. Oh, sure, you can lie back in your protective little womb called high school and pretend the world is your oyster. But one day it's gonna turn on you like the rotting milk in your stinking little lunchboxes. Thank you.

Philip: You know, Will my first job was in a law clerk's office. It was the summer of my freshman year in college and I thought I was... [chuckles] all that. Anyway, I spent most of my days making coffee and copying legal documents. And that was before Xerox machines.
Will: Dag. Who was your boss? Mr. Slate? [laughs] He was on The Flintstones.