Will: Carlton, you're going down to that hospital if I have to knock you out and call an ambulance.
Carlton: You come near me, I'll spray.
Will: Man, you don't know how lucky you are. You can be with your father whenever you want. You can eat with him and argue with him. He's there for you. You know where my father is?
Carlton: No.
Will: Neither do I.
Carlton: Look, I don't wanna see my father with tubes up his nose, okay?
Will: Carlton, there's gonna come a time when all he has is tubes up his nose-
Carlton: Not my father!
Will: Everybody's father! Except mine because I don't know where the hell he is!
Carlton: You don't understand, Will.
Will: Yes, I do. You're selfish.

Will: Oh, Uncle Phil. Hey, you been out on the courts?
Philip: Played a little tennis with Ashley. I can't remember when I've worked up such a sweat.
Geoffrey: And you've certainly earned your lunch.
Philip: What the heck is this?
Geoffrey: Chicken, sir. Oh, you probably don't recognize it without a thick coating of batter and gravy.
Philip: I can't do this. I can't give up my favorite foods cold turkey with... Oh, my God. Turkey. With pillowy mounds of mashed potatoes, butter-drenched dressing, tiny onions swimming in a sea of cream sauce.

Will: Well, she does have a point, Uncle Phil. I mean, hey, I'm getting tired of the fat jokes myself.
Philip: What is wrong with you people? I weigh the same thing I weighed in high school.
Will: Yeah, if you add up all four years. Guess I'm not getting as tired of those fat jokes as I thought, huh?