Vy: Now, what does Aunt Eleanor have that I don't?
Aunt Helen: A horny husband.

[fantasy:]
Old Will: I'll get it! Hey, Al! Psh! [coughs]
Mailman: How you doing, Mr. Smith?
Will: Hey, call me Will, man. Hey, what you say, you take me down to one of them dance clubs you all be going to. [sings] Do dop yiddy yiddy Bop dat doot dat yiddy brown
Mailman: Excuse me?
Old Will: Oh, never mind, boy, I thought you was hip. Get on out of my house. Oooh-eee! Hey, girl. How you doing with your fine self? Why don't you slide on up here and let Big Daddy talk to you a little bit! You like that?

[fantasy:]
Old Vy: Baby, why ain't you got on that leisure suit I laid out for you?
Old Will: Because I'm a 72-year-old man still living with his mother. And I'm tired of it, Mom. I mean, I want to get married. And I want to have some kids. And I don't want nobody telling me what to wear.
Old Vy: I'm sorry. You the man, you the man. About time I start treating you like one.
Old Will: You've got that right. Can I have $10 to go to the movies?
Old Vy: Sure, baby. Here you go.
Old Will: Another dollar for some Gummy Bears.
Old Vy: You taking anybody special?
Old Will: Harriet Jenkins.
Old Vy: Mmm. You're spending my social security on Harriet Jenkins.
Old Will: Look, Mama, I'm going to tell you, if you mess this date up for me, I'm moving out of here.

Philip: Now, Will, about your moving back to Philly.
Will: Yeah, I know, the sheets and bed linens stay here.
Philip: No, well, yeah. No, what I was going to say was I hope that money wasn't a part of your decision because I'd be more than happy to help you with your tuition.
Will: Thanks a lot, Uncle Phil but I need to be in Philly, you know, with my mom.
Philip: Whatever you decide, I just want you to know that I'm behind you 100%.
Will: Thanks and it means a lot to me, Uncle Phil.
Philip: Good. Okay, son. Okay, Vivian, I told him everything you wanted me to now give me my piece of pie.

Will: Aunt Viv, I got the cake you wanted for the family reunion.
Vivian: Good.
Will: And guess what's in here?
Carlton: It's round, it's rubber and you'll never use it.
Will: Carlton, can we please keep your hand puppet out of this? Look, it's a California's driver's license.
Carlton: I think you're confused, Will. You need a license to drive a car, not steal one.
Will: I'm sorry, Carlton, I didn't understand you, I don't speak pygmy.

Philip: I hate family reunions. I always do all the work.
Vivian: Philip, that is not true. Philip, this is not the kind of juice Vy drinks and Helen does not like this kind of bread. I guess I will have to take it back to the store.
Philip: No, no, no, let me do that.
Vivian: Great. Would you pick me up a gallon of Rocky Road and some sardines.
Will: And don't eat it all on the way home like you did last time.

Hilary: Isn't it obvious? Really big news? She must be bringing me Grandma's diamond earrings.
Janice: I don't think so. [shows off earrings] Do you like them?
Hilary: Aunt Janice, I never got to know Grandma. I'd really like to have something of hers.
Aunt Helen: Listen, honey, I have a beautiful silk handkerchief of Grandma's.
Hilary: Yeah, like I really want some old lady's snot rag.

Vivian: Honey, what happened, tell us.
Janice: Yeah.
Vy: Well, he just wanted more out of the relationship and I wasn't sure I could spend the rest of my life with him.
Will: Amen.
Vy: And, Will's never been too fond of him.
Will: No, Will was not.
Vy: So, in the long run it seemed like the best thing.
Will: Well...

Will: I love you so much, Mom.
Vy: I love you, too, sweetie.
Will: You know, it's great having you out here. Especially without that Robert dude. Getting all in our hair. Trying like a damn fool to win me over.
Vy: You're not kidding, baby. You know, for your graduation, he actually wanted to buy you a car.
Will: [scoffs] A car?
Vy: Yeah.
Will: Well, I'm glad you dumped him anyway, Ma. What kind of car he want to get me, Mom?

Vivian: Okay, set everything on the island. We'll use it tomorrow to serve.
Philip: [takes the fork out of Vivian's hand] Let me take that, Vivian, wouldn't want you to overexert yourself.
Vivian: Philip, are you upset with me?
Philip: Vivian, for the past 48 hours, all I've heard is: "Philip, wash this. Philip, dust that. Philip, push me up the steps, I'm pregnant."
Vivian: As long as you're not upset with me.
Geoffrey: Sir, when she's not looking, break one of her crystal figurines. It'll work wonders for your attitude. [crashing sound]
Philip: [o.s.] Yes!